Managing the Censor - #55

Journals from the past are currently spread out on the daybed for easy access. I'm mining each for notes taken after sessions with my analyst. My hope is to discover gemstones that will enrich my memoir describing my experience with her in psychoanalysis.

It has been an experience all its own reading words from the past. My essence permeates all the journals, of course, but some entries puzzle me: Did I really know that so long ago? Why didn't I know that I knew and trust it?

These days I'm busy working on developing a new chapter for the memoir. Instead of writing a full post for today, here's a quote I found in a May, 2001, journal:

"The censor, fat as a tick with pride, hates not being taken seriously."

My brain held no memory of this gem from Leaving a Trace, the book that my scribbling said was where it originated. I just ordered a used copy.

Since meeting the censor frequently occurs when writing, I am eager to read ways to manage encounters with it. The unsolicited advice it gives is often to avoid anything creative or unique. It tends to utter phrases such as, "You can't say that!" or, "What will people think?"

When the book arrives, I hope to be able to pass on any new tactics for dealing with censors.

Are there things in your life that you want to do but a "Censor" says no?  Do you know what activates your censor? What messages do you receive from your censor? Please let me know by going to comment section or replying to this email.

CLUE to exploring mysteries: As you prepare for a new season by organizing your closet, be sure to pass on anything you haven't worn or don't like to wear. Someone else needs it and the feeling of generosity will give you a lift. A wise friend reminded me of this recently.

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

The Value of Knowing Who You Are - #54

Is spending time and energy writing about what happened to me    in psychoanalysis narcissistic? I wonder. Perhaps this sometimes issue of mine will help us explore a deeper question: 

Are there benefits to knowing who you are?  

Anne Lamott, an author I admire, believes the only way we can see others compassionately, is to see ourselves compassionately. She writes that while this might sound easy, it is difficult to do.

When I began analytical treatment, the focus was on what I didn't like about myself. On my list of complaints were all the things I thought were wrong with me. If you are thinking that this doesn't sound very compassionate, you are correct. I didn't feel compassion for myself. 

The paradoxical thing is the more I became aware of what my long term patterns were, and then discovered how difficult it was to change my behavior and ways of thinking, the more compassion I could feel for others.  

It's a funny thing, but the more I knew and accepted my shortcomings and began to look at myself with kindness, the easier it was to give others the benefit of the doubt. We were all in this together.

Perhaps my question about narcissism is part of my old pattern of thinking something is wrong with me. I will let this pattern go. I'm excited about writing this memoir. My hope is that my experiences will in someway be useful to others.

CLUE: Do one nice thing for yourself this week. It can be as little as reminding yourself of all the positive things you do or as big as buying yourself chocolate and flowers. Do these acts with compassion for yourself and let me know what happens. Try the new feature - hit reply to this email. It should be a direct email to me! I'd love to hear from you!

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

Seeking Composure - #53

While writing my memoir and blog posts, sentences and metaphors  that contain wisdom don't come easily. In my imagination, when Joan Halifax, author of the book* I mentioned last week sits down to write,  beautiful sentences flow from her pen onto the page.

Taking words from your inside and putting them out on paper is difficult, a fact that continues to surprise me. How do others make it look so easy? How can it take so long? I would bet that writing for Halifax isn't quite as easy as I image. The truth probably is that her impressive sentences are the result of hard work and persistence, the first item on my manifesto.   

Here's a sentence of hers that impressed me:  

"And sometimes, I could not find my composure; it got away from me, like a tide quickly receding from the shore of the present moment, and I found myself worn out and discouraged."

I would rather not say what happens when I lose my composure. If you were a mouse in the corner (that possibility scares me for many reasons), you might notice me stomping around the room like a two year old. You might hear me blaming whoever or whatever is in my way. You might witness a nasty word as it darts out of my mouth.

The longer I poke around in the Halifax book, the more my admiration for her grows. It is evident from the stories she shares that she is compassionate and kind, genuinely human and contemplative, all traits that I desire. Plus, she is a good writer.

The longer I work on my memoir or write posts, the more composed I am able to be most of the time. This is partly because when you tune into your creative nature, losing one's composure at times is part of the process. I don't like knowing I will freak out once in awhile but probably it is better to know so it won't be another surprise.

Who do you admire? What aspirations do they bring out in you? When do you lose your composure? What do you do when you lose your composure? 

I'd love to hear from you. I'm working on making it possible to hit reply to this email to comment so it will be sent to me but so far my tech person hasn't been successful. When it says no reply when you reply to this email, it means no reply - I never see it. I don't know where it goes - a mystery to explore. 

So the geniuses among us can leave comments on the blog itself. Another option is to let me know what you think by using my email address: nicola.mendenhall@gmail.com. Or just think of me and send energy and inspiration.

CLUE: If there is a person who inspires you for any reason, find a way to let them know this week. A short email or phone call might make their day. I may try and email Joan Halifax!

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

*Standing At The Edge (2018) by Joan Halifax

Attentional Balance & the 3 D's - #52

The first item on my manifesto, anything worthwhile needs time and attention, reminds me of how satisfying it has been the last few weeks to read, every evening, a small portion of Joan Halifax's new book, Standing At The Edge.  

Halifax uses a phrase that interests me: attentional balance. After losing some of my physical and, more to the point, psychological balance while coping with normal pressure hydrocephalus, I pay attention when balance is mentioned.  

Halifax lists 3 D's that interfere with our attentional balance:  divided, distracted, and dispersed. Here's how the 3 D's appear in my life:

Divided: There are so many things I want to accomplish in a day that if I don't have radical clarity about where to place my attention, I feel divided and no matter how much I do, I feel dissatisfied.

Distracted: I can be distracted by my body if I don't pay attention when it needs to move. I may stay in the same position, even when my back hurts and ignore the timer signalling it is time to stand up, but be distracted until I stand or move.

Dispersed: Halifax writes that according to neuroscience, wherever our attention goes, our brains follow: "Attention is the boss of the brain." I have so many interests my attention is spread, as they say, thin. I've never before this moment, thought of thick attention! 

Is your attention thick or thin? How do the 3 D's show up for you? I would love to know. Either email me or go to comments section. We are learning from each other!

CLUE: Watch where your attention is this week. I will be doing it right along with you. Life is too short to be divided, distracted or dispersed! Let me know how you stay away from the 3 D's!

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

Image is from last year (Leaves are still green and on the trees but are beginning to drift to the lawn one by one. I wonder how it is decided which leaf goes first?)

Learn From Your Feelings - #51

Despite evidence to the contrary. my six decade old feeling Mom didn't do hard stuff and didn't teach me to persevere persisted,  Hearing from my brother his memory that Mom encouraged him to do his best, I briefly considered the idea that no reason existed for my feeling and I should disregard it.  

During a phone conversation with Lisbeth, one of my spiritual mentors and future daughter-in-law, I was surprised when she mentioned reading post #50. It reminded her of statements her mother made to her and how they undermined her desire to be a biologist: "You would have to take organic chemistry!" Her mother's concern led Lisbeth to believe being a biologist would be too difficult. As she shared this, a memory became conscious:

When I was a senior in high school and knew everything, I informed my mother that I wanted to be a missionary in Africa. She responded, rather matter of factly as I recall, that this would not be possible: "Nicky, you have a weak constitution." 

Once this memory appeared, it was like a puzzle piece locked into place. At some level, knowing my mom thought I was weak, meant to me that I wouldn't succeed if I tried something hard. Not wanting to prove her wrong, or probably more important if truth be told, look foolish, I established a pattern of giving up when things got too hard. 

The good news is that I know neither Lisbeth's nor my mother meant to discourage us, they thought they were being protective. And even more good news, is the fact that ways of thinking about yourself can change. Now that I know I am NOT weak, (I survived India three times), and that I have resources and support, I can tackle the hard stuff like writing a book.

One friend wrote and commented she thought it was brave of me to write about my analysis. Some days it feels really brave. Other days, in order to be brave,  I cling to the first paraphrased statement on my manifesto:

Anything worthwhile or deep needs time and energy.

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

CLUE: The image represents how much is in the dark when we work on ourselves, there is so much we don't know. Feelings are the lights that guide us. Pay attention to all your feelings this weekend, see what you can discover. Please let me know - we learn from one another!

Learning to Work - #50

I love that my brother responded to my manifesto. I offered him a chance to go offline to discuss further and he answered by going to the comments section and posting!  

The first item on my manifesto wouldn't have been there twenty years ago. I have had to learn, mostly in the last ten years, that  my wants don't materialize as the result of wishful thinking. Anything worthwhile takes time and effort.

My assumption that the first  time I tried something it would work perfectly didn't get me very far.  Believing things were too hard to continue, I stopped.

Now here's where I want to consult my brother for information about our mom. I don't mean this question to blame her, however, I believe that children learn ways of being from parents. Asking, I'm exploring the causes and conditions that led me to be me.

My memory is that our mom thought Weight Watchers was too hard and as a result, never tried it. I have always thought she didn't like to do anything that was too hard.  But now, as I'm writing this, I can't think of any other examples.  

Nolan - do you remember mom saying things were too hard to accomplish and then not doing them? How about you - what is your reaction when you come up against something difficult? What did you learn about accomplishing difficult things?

I'm in the process of writing a memoir about my experience in psychoanalysis. Because of my age and my former profession as a psychotherapist, I have a unique perspective.  

I didn't realize how difficult it would be.  

One thing I have learned in analysis is that you have to stick with the hard stuff!  So I declare that I am going to finish writing this memoir.

Everyone reading this is thinking, but too polite to say:  Nicky, you didn't stick with your goal of making something out of 360+ posts you had printed out! Won't you give up the memoir?

If anyone is asking that perfectly legitimate question, I want to say, no, I'm not going to give up. I believe I didn't follow through on the blog project because it was not my idea. My desire was not to make something out of those posts. It was someone else's suggestion, someone else's idea, and while it had possibilities that I wanted to explore, a spark never kindled as I was reading the posts and contemplating what to create with them.  

I believe I rushed to start working on the posts because I lacked the courage to say I wanted to write a memoir of my psychoanalytic treatment. At that time, I didn't tell many people that I was in analysis.

It was actually great to revisit all 360+ posts and I don't regret for a minute the time I spent. Rereading what I have written since 2012, gave me courage to begin the memoir. 

It was part of the preparation for tackling the writing of this memoir.


Thanks Nolan for your help. I'd love to hear from others about beginning and ending projects. Where do you run into difficulty?

CLUE: Watch yourself this week and see if you tackle new projects with gusto or mumble that they are too difficult and give up. Let me know what you find.

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall
 Image received @ Red Feather Lakes in 2010.

Sharing My Surprise Manifesto - #49

I have enrolled in three of Dan Blank's three month Creative Shift Mastermind* groups beginning January of this year. My memory doesn't quite remember being given the assignment to write my own Manifesto in February or May but I'm pretty certain the assignment was given.  But here's the thing: I never even attempted it. 

This time when Dan gave the manifesto assignment I heard,  "all you have to do to create your manifesto is decide what you want to tell others about what is important to you." I realize that is not a very free flowing sentence but something about how he described the process of writing a manifesto this time encouraged me to tackle the task in my journal that very morning. I was surprised!

After I wrote the Manifesto heading in my journal, the words seemed to appear. Again I repeat, I was surprised. I was pleased by how easy it turned out to be once I started writing and when I shared it with a former group member she said that it was so beautiful, she printed it out and wanted to keep it near. I was totally surprised at her reaction!

Another thing I hadn't heard before that may have encouraged me was: "think of what kind of conversation you like to have with others."  If you know my INFJ self, my introverted, quiet self, my twoness on the enneagram self, you know that I am most comfortable talking about intimate, personal, uncomfortable-for-most-people, stuff. I think my Manifesto indicates these tendencies. 

So I decided that my blog readers deserved to read this manifesto because it is the basis for everything I write  Take a look:

I believe (and often protest) that anything deep and meaningful takes time to create and intimately know.

I believe that the causes and conditions we are exposed to throughout our life may foster in us mistaken notions that are not adequate for healthy living.

I believe that we need support to thrive.

I believe that each person has many different inner parts and that each person needs to be acquainted with as many of these parts as possible. I believe that the parts will act up or prevent us from doing what we want to do if we don’t know them and learn how to manage them.

I believe that coming together with another person is a way to learn who you are. This is Freud’s idea of transference: we see parts of ourselves in others and can use this to learn more about who we are.

I believe that being gentle with your developing Self is key to progress.

There are probably no surprises but if there are, I have had recent practice dealing with surprises so let me know. I'd love to hear what you would leave out or add. I would be honored if you would write your own manifesto and share with me. I won't publish it unless you give me permission.

CLUE: Start a conversation sometime this week about a subject that would be on your manifesto, something you ordinarily don't talk about but would like to. Let me know how what happens.

 *Here is contact information for Dan Blank. The new MM will begin October:  http://wegrowmedia.com/mm/
WeGrowMedia - Dan Blank
The Creative Shift Mastermind

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

This 2010 image was created in Brazil.

A New Look at Exploring Mysteries - #48

The name exploring the mystery mysteriously came to me in 2012, when my web designer asked: "What name do we give this creation?"  

I grow fonder of the name every year, perhaps as I become more aware of its complexity.

As I become more comfortable with how complex life is, it is easier to accept that a mystery is more than a puzzle to be solved.  I've often had to remind myself that we are not exploring the mystery to come up with an answer.  

Mystery, the type we are exploring, describes something for which there is no human solution. The proper response to a genuine mystery is awe. In order to feel awe, we need to step back, take time, and savor. 

A dream is a mystery. Earlier this week, I tried to capture the essence of a dream. The illegible scratchings on an index card made with a pen that didn't start writing in the dark when I thought it did, led to a mystery all it's own.  Parts on the paper were almost impossible to read but here's what I deciphered:

I was backing fast down the driveway singing Dora Dora. 

It was an embarrassment to me as a psychotherapist to never feel competent making meaning out of dreams. This was mainly because I had a belief that I couldn't make meaning out of dreams. My frustration and eagerness to have the answer immediately often led to not even trying.

I've been missing being a therapist lately so I decided to be one for myself and stay with the dream,. To not let myself give up.   

So when I was thinking and talking outloud to myself about the backing up part of the dream, I suddenly remembered writing blog posts a few weeks ago where the focus was on paying attention to what is in back of us. So maybe I was backing up because there was something important back there! Perhaps the dream is related to the memoir I am writing about my psychoanalysis.  

The "doro doro" song may have been triggered by a note my sister recently passed on to me, a note that I wrote my mother sixty-seven years ago when she was in the hospital giving birth to this sister. Being nearly six years old at the time, I assured my mother that I was fine and reported that I was able to play "doctor doctor" on the piano.

It doesn't feel like I've solved the mystery of my dream and what it means but I have explored it. The process of exploration is satisfying when I am able to slow down, savor, examine, and explore.

Do you like thinking of the word mystery in this way or does it frustrate you? What do you wish you would slow down, savor, examine and explore more? I would love to hear your ideas. What is a mystery to you? Please email me or comment on the blog.

CLUE: If you remember a dream this week, take some time to play around with it - whether or not you believe that dreams bring us psychological knowledge. Whatever you think about dreams, I think we all might feel that the contents of a dream are mysterious.

Thank you for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

Deal With Complexity By Doing More Or Less? - #47

I am tempted to overlook the complexities of life. Even after years of analysis, my pattern of reverting to all or nothing thinking  is very seductive.

When I wrote in Post #46 that meditation was as simple as following your breath, nothing about that was untrue. What I didn't say was that meditation can be so much more. So much more, just like life can be so much more, when we pay attention.

That life is too complex for all or nothing thinking is one of the most valuable insights I have gained in treatment. And it was a difficult lesson for me to learn and then put in practice. As you can tell, I'm still working on it.

I have been and sometimes remain tempted to rush important decisions for the purpose of settling the matter at hand. This is because I am uncomfortable waiting for clarity. Anxiety can be difficult to contain.

This morning during meditation, a person from the past popped into the the present moment. Our connection was severed over twenty years ago. When I thought of this person, I felt something was unsettled. My initial reaction was that I needed to DO something.

One reason meditation has been valuable for me is that sitting on the cushion* and staying there, even when discomforting emotions  urge me to DO something, I can practice being with the anxiety and then make considered choices instead of thoughtless reactions.

Because I've experienced in meditation that feelings rise and then pass away, I stayed with the uncomfortable feeling. Yes, I said to myself, I could call this person. Then the thought arose that there was really nothing more for me to say. That doing nothing was the option that made the most sense right now.

Sometimes dealing with complexity means you say more. Other times, dealing with complexity is best dealt with by saying less. It can be complex figuring out which option we want to take.

CLUE: When something feels complex & bugs you this week, think of some ways to do less rather than doing more. Let me know how it goes and how you feel about it.

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

*Or in my case kneeling on a bench because it is no longer possible to cross my legs in front of me. I also want to acknowledge that many people don't meditate and I have observed that these people accomplish the same skill of managing their feelings that a person who meditates does. I applaud wholeheartedly however we learn to deal with our feelings.


Image taken when the flowers on the back deck were glorious. Now they are wilted and playing dead. 

The Magic of Transformation - #46

The word magic has always made me yearn to know the magician's tricks; how could part of a woman vanish when sawed in half? Where was the rabbit before pulled out of the hat?  

When I began focusing on my inner life, there were times I wished for magic to vanish thoughts that made me anxious.

One thought in particular: Becoming obsessed about physical symptoms; fearing the symptom will get worse and/or never go away.  

This week I started using a foot massager (because my massage therapist who does magic on my feet is not available), and my right foot (it's usually the left) began hurting. 

Now whether the machine has anything to do with the pain or not, I don't know. But I want to stop focusing on the pain. It drags me down emotionally.

I haven't found a magic trick to make my thoughts disappear. It's not a trick but what I have discovered is that if I want to change my thoughts, I will need to become familiar with how my mind works.  

Meditation is one way to learn how the mind works. You can get to know your mind in other ways: set an intention of being more aware of one thought that makes you miserable, see how often it comes up, get to know what triggers it.  

Meditation is basically trying to focus on your breath or a mantra and then noticing what happens when your focus changes. Where does your mind go?

Meditation or however you chose to become aware of your thoughts, gives us access to the magic of transformation. The trick is to be consistent and open to change. 

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

CLUE - Be open to the magic of transformation. It can be as simple as noting how the light looks when you get out of bed and how it is changing/transforming every day.

The image is from a particularly beautiful morning walk this week.

Living with the Less than Perfect - #45

As the neurologist reviewed my MRI scan, I tried to take deep breaths, to not tense up and hold my breath. The exam room was outfitted with a table and large monitor. Eventually the Doctor raised his gaze from the screen, turned to face me, looked me in the eyes: "Parts of your brain are atrophied."

The above memory manifested in my mind shortly after the ceiling light over the bed flashed on. It was 1:30 A.M.  This light has mysteriously turned on in the past but this is the first time my rude awakening resulted in a recollection.

Buddhists speak of events occurring because of causes and conditions. The shift in focus from what is behind us to a focus on what is inside us may be one cause and condition that brought up this memory. When I heard the word atrophy, there was, for me, an insinuation of failure. It was a difficult word to hear. I didn't want to remember this memory.

When I think about our new focus of going inside, I don't think of writing about the brain, I think about ideas that relate to the mind. Perhaps the nearly midnight memory is my unconscious trying to draw attention to the more biological aspect of going inside.

Am I worried about what the neurologist saw on the MRI scan? Of course. But since the shunt was inserted on February 28, 2017, I have felt the healthiest I have for years. 

Maybe the lesson here is to not make assumptions about what we see but pay attention to what we feel.

How do the physical properties of the brain relate with our inner lives? Where do you think the mind is? What areas of your life do you need to look past appearances?  Please let me know what you think and feel.

It appears that going inside is going to be interesting! 


CLUE for the week: Celebrate summer and appreciate going outside without a coat and hat with both your brain and your mind. Let me know what you like best about summer if you are in the Northern Hemisphere! 

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

Note: The mushrooms in the image above are from the walk where I encountered the ripped apart tree image last week.  Wendell reported they were gone the next day.

The Interior as a Focus of Attention - #44

After a wind storm and the flash flood of North Walnut Creek, walking on the concrete nature trail by our home meant stepping over dried mud and surveying damage to the woods. One tree was opened up in a manner I had never seen before and I tried to capture what I saw and felt when I came upon it. 

I hope you can see how the tree is open to its core. It was shocking for me to see how utterly stripped apart the tree was. Apparently the wind behind blew it over because it was rotten inside. 

The tree brought to mind a Ralph Waldo Emerson quote I had seen recently:

 "What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."

I love this quote as it speaks to what is important to me and where our focus will be for the next few months: what is inside. 

Watching a young child interact with others, witnessing an adult child make it through a life transition with integrity, cheering on a friend working out how to be in a long term relationship, or feeling your own inner landscape becoming larger are all ways of comprehending what lies within.

I hope you will be open to changing your focus of attention from what is behind you to what is inside you. I'm excited about our new direction!

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

CLUE for the week: Pay attention to your inner responses this week. How many times do you try and talk yourself out of what you are feeling? Be kind to yourself this week and cherish what is inside.

  

Two Characteristics of Introverts - #43

While making reservations for our June 15th, 55th class reunion, I felt stirrings of excitement. When it was time to hop on Highway 330, I wanted to back out. It was so hot. I knew only a small percentage of the 72 in the graduating class because we were together for just one year. I won't remember people's names. I'll get eaten alive by mosquitoes. It will take so much energy!

Online a few days later, I noticed a self-identified introvert reveal  that frequently, after he made social plans, he wanted to back out. 

As an introvert myself, I resonated.   

Dan Blank, the moderator of this discussion and owner of WeGrowMedia, asked a question that caught my attention: Do introverts have to be drained by social interaction?

Dan went on to say that if introverts steer the conversation to topics that are enjoyable to them, the pleasure they feel may make up for the energy expended. His closing remark: "You might even be energized!" 

I decided to try this out at the reunion. I wish I could say that all my conversations were pleasurable, but I can say that most of them were. And that is because I found a way to bring up my favorite subject: writing. 

Here's the spot in this post where I would report fascinating conversations if I could. The noisy sweltering shelter house made remembering difficult for me because of another characteristic of introverts: Overstimulation impairs the ability to be present.

Arriving home after the event, I experienced a sense of satisfaction from the overall friendliness of people. I didn't have many deep conversations but I did enjoy myself. And I wasn't wiped out by the event - just tired.

Do you consider yourself an introvert? Whether an introvert or extrovert, do you ever want to back out of social plans? Do you?

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

CLUE: A word Dan uses frequently is obsession. Think of what you are obsessed with these days. What do you feel passionate about? Bring it up in a conversation. See if you gain energy. Let me know what happens. 

Dan Blank helps writers and artists with their creative lives. Sign up for his free weekly newsletter at WeGrowMedia. 

The Beauty Of Being Uncomfortable - #42

My first trip to India was in 1994. I wondered why the tour leaders were slightly apologetic when they told me who my roommate was. Her name sounded innocent enough: Mona. It wasn't long before I discovered the reason for their hesitation.

Mona was a talker.  

I wanted quiet because in India I often found myself in a state of overarousal. The noise, colors, and crowds pressed in on me. India didn't seem to bother Mona. 

Mona knew how to shop. While I was determined not to make the trip about shopping, my greed grew stronger each time she brought her treasures to our room.  

One day, Mona returned from a shopping expedition and displayed the most beautiful silver ring. It was like nothing you could find in the States. There was an exotic Buddhist symbol signifying long life and happiness. It was unique. It was beautiful.  It fit me. It should have been mine. I felt out of control with desire. I wanted it!

The next day was my 49th birthday. At the party, most everyone gave me a gift. Mona gave me the ring. I was gobsmacked! Her generosity was beyond my comprehension. I didn't even like her and she gifted me with something she knew I desperately wanted. 

I have worn it  every day, barring three days it was being overhauled at the jewelers. That's 24 years of daily wear.

This ring is part of my past - something behind me. But it is also here with me in the present. The ring reminds me of what I've been learning recently: good things come from uncomfortable circumstances. 

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

Clue for week: Pay attention to the next time you are uncomfortable and see if staying with it for a few minutes yields something positive. Or, option two, be more generous than you would usually be. For example tip twice as much as you would usually tip. Let me know the results of being uncomfortable and extra generous. You can do one or both for extra credit!

Image: Those of you who were around in 2014, may remember this photo from the Water exhibit by Burtynsky. Used by permission.




 

Honor Your Feelings - #41

The novel, The Nightingale*, was on my hold list at the Urbandale Library for several months. My name finally came up yesterday. When I opened to chapter one, page one, here's what I found:

"It is unnerving, this new unreliability in my vision. Perhaps that's why I find myself looking backward. The past has a clarity I can no longer see in the present."

Since I have cataracts in both eyes and optic neuropathy in my left eye and keep writing about what is behind me, I was astonished to read this. The story begins in 1995 when the woman is eighty. I was excited to read about someone older than me.

But Chapter 2 shifts back to 1939.

I was mad because I didn't want to know what happened in the past. I wanted to know what happened to her at eighty! Why did she climb the rickety stairs to her attic and how did she handle her doctor son who tried to boss her around? 

I decided to skip to the last chapter.

Chapter 39, finds the 80 year old main character facing her fears and traveling to Paris with her son but not letting him boss her around. She reconnects with people from her past and her son is impressed and all her secrets are revealed. She is a heroine. She finds herself.  

I cried. I'm not kidding you, I sort of sobbed - not a big sob but a short sob.

I was feeling down before I got to Chapter 39 because a group I'm in is ending next week and I will miss the connections. I figured that was probably bothering me but I didn't want to admit it. I didn't want to sit with the feelings. I just wanted to feel differently. 

The release of tears made me feel better. Why can't I remember to pay attention to my feelings and really feel them? Feelings are in back of my mind and I am going to learn to pay attention to them!

CLUE: Pick a feeling that is in back of your mind and really feel it. See how it shifts and changes. Be thankful that you can feel feelings. They are what makes us human. Cherish at least one feeling this week! Please tell me which one you choose. 

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

*The Nightingale: A Novel by Kristin Hannah, 2015.

Gently Appreciating Our Support - #40

Many of you let me know, when I see you in person, that you have read and enjoyed this blog. I can't tell you how delightful it feels to hear that. Sometimes it terrifies me to know someone is actually reading what I write. My new calling as a writer generates various feelings and is very challenging!

In light of our exploration of the premise that what is behind or in back of us is as important as what is in front, it occurs to me that more awareness of you behind me would be healthy to cultivate. You are out there even when I don't hear from you.  

When one of you does hit reply or is savvy enough to figure out how the comment section works, I will celebrate. Comments will be frosting on the cake! And that's no small thing as it brings back fond memories. As a girl, when my mother decorated cakes, she would squirt frosting from the decorating tube directly into our mouths as a treat!

CLUE for the week: Take a moment to determine what is behind you that you can use as support. It could be an inanimate object like a comfortable chair. Or you may recall a person that you feel connected to even though the contact with them is not frequent. Whatever you choose, place a feeling of gratitude and gentleness around it. Celebrate what is behind you!

Please let me know what supports you - back of front!

Thanks for exploring the mystery with me - Nicky Mendenhall

Image is of clouds. I love watching clouds and receiving images.



 

Can You Trust What Is In Back of You? - #39

What have we learned from studying what is in back of us? 

That we need someone to be behind us and that coaches often fill this role. A crucial part of a relationship of this type is trust.

This week, I want to explain how my osteopath, who practices osteopathic manual medicine, is behind me both in literal and nonliteral ways. 

There are often students following him when he sees me for treatment. I can sense that he is a trusted mentor for them. After my surgery, he told me that one of the students was responsible for my diagnosis; the student remembered the mnemonic for Normal Pressure Hydrocephalus.  

As their teacher, he listened to students. He also gave the student credit. Careful listening is part of building trust.

The Dr. listens to me when I tell him what feels out of alignment in my body.  

Osteopathic Manual Medicine is a hands-on treatment.This means  the Doctor needs to touch the patient and be in close proximity to their body. He asks me everytime he touches me, "Is it okay if I touch your ischial tuberosity?"*  

After several years of being treated by him, I feel very safe and sometimes it feels annoying when he asks permission every time he touches me. However, when I read about coaches who have taken advantage of athletes or doctors who have engaged in inappropriate touching with patients, I realize how important it is that he keeps asking. It is part of what makes me know I can trust him.

Looking someone in the eyes is said to be a way we can know if we can trust them. When we are talking about someone being behind us, we have to use other ways of knowing.  

Do you feel your Doctor is behind you? If so, how? If not, why not? Is it easy for you to trust someone who is behind you, someone who has your back? Why or why not? I'd love to hear of your experiences. Please reply to this email or to to comments.

Your clue for this week: Tell yourself that you can trust yourself to do what you say you are going to do. Then do it. Small things matter. Let me know what you encounter!

Thank you for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

* He actually says Sitz bones but when I Googled sitz bones, thia is what I learned and I decided to share it with you.

The image is of a fabulous spiderweb that my husband found a year of so ago. Look closely and you can see how wonderfully made it is!

What Type of Coach Do You Need?- #38

 Perhaps one reason I resonate with the idea that what is in back of us is as important as what is in front of us is because of my vision. Cataracts in both eyes mean I don't see the little blue flowers my partner points out when we are on a nature walk. Optic neuropathy in my left eye means impaired depth perception.  

But I do have a strong sense of what or who is behind me.  

Janene Armstrong*, my personal wellness coach, is behind me. She assumed a nurturing supportive approach when we started working together nine months ago. After a few months she began being tougher on me. When I didn't think I could do one more plank she urged, "Try it one more time!"

In the last month the two of us have discussed fitness issues in a more collegial way. She is still nurturing and supportive and she still pushes me but now we discuss ways we might work together.

A coach who is behind you knows when to nurture, when to make you toe-the-line, and when to move the relationship to a collegial one. Some coaches specialize in nurturing and some in pushing you to do your best. It's possible to have a good coach who just isn't giving you what you need at the time.

Now there are book coaches who help you write a book. My plan is to hire one in the near future. My needs will be for someone to nurture me (because self-doubt is sometimes my roommate) and for someone to keep me accountable (because having deadlines helps).

Coaches have your back. Coaches are behind you. 

Clue for the week that you probably didn't expect: Try to be your own coach. Keep in mind it is just for this week. Decide what you need. Nurture or push yourself or make time for a conversation with a good friend. However, if you are ready, hire someone to help you. 

Let me know what type of coach you need and if you are able to find it. Or tell me how you are your own coach. Are you still thinking about what is in back of you? Tell me if you are!

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

*Jenene is a certified health coach and women’s fitness specialist who serves women over 45 who are ready to take charge of their health and lifestyle again. She helps women to get active, ditch the diet mentality, learn to eat real, nutritious foods that give them the energy they need, eliminate sugar addiction, lose weight, change habits for good.....and feel fabulous again!

*Here’s Jenene's website link:  www.healthfitcoach.net 

Appreciate Your Inner Goodness - #37

In January I printed every blog.spot post published since 2012. Printed because I am old fashioned enough to need paper in my hands to really study something. After rereading 350 posts, I imagined inspiration waking me up in the night with a fabulous idea for a new creation.  

Let's just say this project has stalled.

Perusing posts has been gratifying (remembering connections forged, marveling at variety of subjects), shocking (not remembering what I wrote and forgetting books I quoted), and startling (some posts sound intellectual or businesslike, some not clear what I wrote or what I was quoting).  

Posts in May have focused on exploring why what is in back of us is as important as what is in front of us. This now strikes me as another occasion my unconscious was involved.

The other day, I was following behind the scene internet links and found an article by Aura Glaser that coincidentally was published in 2012. I found inspiration in this line: 

"Our capacity to turn toward whatever scares or repels us, and remain present with it, depends on our access to inner goodness."*

I am disappointed that I haven't created something new. It helps to express this. The helpful message I receive from Aura Glaser: Appreciate my effort. Appreciate my motivation. Be in contact with and appreciate my inner goodness.  

Weekly Clue for exploring your mysterious Self: Each day, appreciate an effort that you make even if you don't produce a product. Pick an effort that you often overlook that you do out of the goodness of your heart. 

Please share where you place your attention. I am notorious for dropping kleenex all over the house. When I stand up, I usually leave a crumpled one behind me. I'm going to appreciate myself every time I notice that I dropped one and actually stop and pick it up.

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

What Is In Back Of Our Thoughts? - #36

"It's always that space in back of you that's as important as -- or almost more important than -- the space in front of you."  

Let's look further at this idea that we played with in Post #31.

Scientists say humans have a larger brain structure than most other animals. One reason may be that we have a neocortex which is responsible for developing thoughts. (It has other functions too.) These thoughts allow us to be self reflective - to be aware of ourselves. The thoughts also help us think about the space in back of us. Humans have always been very interested in themselves.

What is in back of or behind the thoughts we have? 

Our five senses!

When we intellectualize, we are submerged in thought. When this happens, our senses are blocked out. We lose contact with our bodily feelings.

Many times it isn't easy to know what is behind our thoughts. There is a voice in our head that warns us of the dangers we will face if we discard or question our precious thoughts.  

Our bodies can help us. Our bodies are home for our five senses. Knowing what is behind your thoughts will put you in contact with your feelings and your humanness.

Clue for this week: Pay attention to your breath whenever you can this week. The breath is a built-in stress reliever. Try and feel your breath for a couple of breaths. Don't just think about your breath, feel the breath. See what happens.

If none of this makes sense to you, don't worry about it. Just use the clue and let me know what happens! If you have questions, don't hesitate to email me.

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

The image is one selected from my computer files. I don't remember it but but looking at it gives me a good feeling. Hope you enjoy!

 

When Exploring Mysteries We Need Clues - #35

I surprised myself yesterday.  

Leaving my analyst's office, I was greeted by a plethora of trees with pink, lavender, and white flowers. They were in front of me and in back of me and all around me. The overabundance of blossoms took my breath away.

A twinge of angst fluttered in my chest. This bodily reaction spoke  of impermanence. A part of me knew that the intense beauty would soon disappear.

Then a thought that surprised me popped into my mind. It was a thought I have never had before: Whatever happens when I die, it will have to be spectacular to beat this.

Does this have anything to do with the unconscious? I don't know but I am wondering about it.  

Maybe the thought was a clue. When we explore mysteries, like we do here every week, we need clues!  

I would like to announce, exploring the mystery, has a new feature! Each post will have a clue - an idea that you can play with all week. These clues will be designed to help you stay in the present moment which will help you live a meaningful life.

This week's clue: Each day, should you decide to participate, find a thing or person of beauty.  Something that makes you feel good. Savor it. Be grateful for it. Just make a note of it in your mind. 

I think my clue, if it was a clue, was telling me to find beauty everyday and appreciate the earth. I'm sharing with you. Let's all find beauty this week. Be sure and let me know what you are savoring. Please remember that you are in good company!

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

Special Surprise Suggestion - #34

I forgot to include this suggestion in Post 33.

This week, pay attention to what surprises you. Try to be aware of unpleasant or pleasant surprises. Just be aware when things don't turn out like you thought they would or how you wanted them to. You could be dealing with your unconscious or it could be another reason that only you know. We are looking for things that we weren't expecting to happen.That's the first step.

When you recognize a surprise, say to yourself: I have everything I need to handle this surprise. I have resources and I have strengths. Remind yourself of them.

Then remember that there are other exploring the mystery readers doing the same thing and rejoice in being in such good company! Let us know what surprised you, you don't have to tell us what you figured out about why you were surprised but we would love to hear that too.

Thanks for considering the suggestion! Nicky

I Wonder If It Is Really My Unconscious? - #33

The exploration of the space in back continues to fascinate me.  Surprises continue.  

Mason, my youngest son, commented he felt I was being vague about my scar when I didn't mention it directly as one of the concerns about my pink scalp.

I gasped. 

In case you are wondering, the previous sentence wasn't stolen 
from a Harlequin romance. Mason will validate that I speak the truth.

I gasped. The week I wrote about the back of my head, I didn't once think about the bumpy four inch scar from brain surgery. 

I purposefully am not writing I forgot the scar. I often reach back and feel this weird addition to my body.The scar is where I can't see it but I never forget it.

But then, why wasn't I conscious of the scar when I was writing about the back of my head?

I blame my unconscious.

Freud thought that the unconscious was a force. Perhaps the force of my unconscious interfered with my remembering the scar when I wrote about the back of my head. 

But why? 

Well, maybe my unconscious is not ready to accept that my life was saved by surgery.  Harboring a deep distrust of the current medical system, believing more in alternative medicine, how do I integrate the fact that modern medicine made it possible for me to walk again?

I certainly don't understand the unconscious but I do like being able to assign meaning when something stays out of my awareness. 

That there can be meaning in what is not in our awareness or meaning in what we forget is something to explore. Do you ever wonder why you forget something? Would your unconscious have anything to do with it? What escapes your awareness? So you even believe in the unconscious? 

Please reply to this email or go to website and comment.

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall