The first item on my manifesto wouldn't have been there twenty years ago. I have had to learn, mostly in the last ten years, that my wants don't materialize as the result of wishful thinking. Anything worthwhile takes time and effort.
My assumption that the first time I tried something it would work perfectly didn't get me very far. Believing things were too hard to continue, I stopped.
Now here's where I want to consult my brother for information about our mom. I don't mean this question to blame her, however, I believe that children learn ways of being from parents. Asking, I'm exploring the causes and conditions that led me to be me.
My memory is that our mom thought Weight Watchers was too hard and as a result, never tried it. I have always thought she didn't like to do anything that was too hard. But now, as I'm writing this, I can't think of any other examples.
Nolan - do you remember mom saying things were too hard to accomplish and then not doing them? How about you - what is your reaction when you come up against something difficult? What did you learn about accomplishing difficult things?
I'm in the process of writing a memoir about my experience in psychoanalysis. Because of my age and my former profession as a psychotherapist, I have a unique perspective.
I didn't realize how difficult it would be.
One thing I have learned in analysis is that you have to stick with the hard stuff! So I declare that I am going to finish writing this memoir.
Everyone reading this is thinking, but too polite to say: Nicky, you didn't stick with your goal of making something out of 360+ posts you had printed out! Won't you give up the memoir?
If anyone is asking that perfectly legitimate question, I want to say, no, I'm not going to give up. I believe I didn't follow through on the blog project because it was not my idea. My desire was not to make something out of those posts. It was someone else's suggestion, someone else's idea, and while it had possibilities that I wanted to explore, a spark never kindled as I was reading the posts and contemplating what to create with them.
I believe I rushed to start working on the posts because I lacked the courage to say I wanted to write a memoir of my psychoanalytic treatment. At that time, I didn't tell many people that I was in analysis.
It was actually great to revisit all 360+ posts and I don't regret for a minute the time I spent. Rereading what I have written since 2012, gave me courage to begin the memoir.
It was part of the preparation for tackling the writing of this memoir.
Thanks Nolan for your help. I'd love to hear from others about beginning and ending projects. Where do you run into difficulty?
CLUE: Watch yourself this week and see if you tackle new projects with gusto or mumble that they are too difficult and give up. Let me know what you find.
Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall
Image received @ Red Feather Lakes in 2010.
As you once said, it’s like we had different Moms. I remember her encouraging me to do my best and can’t think of any examples of her giving up on anything. I’m sure the difference in our birth order and gender make a huge impact in our perception. With that being said, I do recognize that sometimes I don’t like to tackle things that I think may be too hard. Makes me wonder why now.
ReplyDeleteOh Nolan - so fun to hear from you! Different Moms - when I think about the how much I change in seven years - makes so much sense. The gender issue might be a big factor as Mom's little brother was highly esteemed because he was a boy. At least that's the impression I got from mom when she described her siblings: I was the pretty one, Jean was the smart one, and Bud was the boy.
DeleteI loved your sentence that you can't remember her giving up on anything. Strange as it may seem, I can resonate with that too. She was tireless in cooking, experimenting with new recipes. She invented soft soap - or so we believe.
Your closing two sentences on not tackling hard things tickle me because I wonder what you will come up with as you think about your reasons. Please share them here or in private email to me.
Thanks SO much - fun to learn more about you.
Love from you oldest sister,
One reason for not tackling new or challenging tasks is that I don’t want to look foolish. I also don’t want to be unable to finish what I started. I remember watching Dad fix everything from farm machinery to household appliances. I still wonder how he knew how to rebuild the farm house after the fire.
ReplyDeleteOH boy do I know the not wanting to look foolish block. In the group I'm in we talk about our blocks as our trolls. The I-don't-want-to-look-foolish troll is alive and well in me.
DeleteYesterday I almost didn't post a question I had on the group forum because i felt it was probably a stupid question but I thought, what's the worst thing that could happen? I posted it and really learned important things as a result. So I was so glad that the troll stayed under the bridge that time.
I like to finish what I start too - that's why not making something out of my blog posts was difficult for me. Thanks for helping me get clearer about that.
Dad was pretty talented. I don't think I gave him the credit he deserved. You are right - he could fix almost everything. Wendell is a lot like that and I watch him really inspect what needs fixed and take time with it and try things slowly. I'm always in such a rush. When something breaks I want it fixed right now!
I've never thought about how remarkable it was that he rebuilt the house after the fire! Thanks for that. It was a beautiful house with all the wooden beams. Wonder if those were in the house that burned?
The day is going by so fast! Fun to talk to you. I am again receiving an email when you post (for awhile I wasn't but I think my tech guy fixed it) so it's fun to hear from you.
Nicky! Your self-reflection is such an inspiration! You are determined and courageous and I have every belief that you will finish that memoir!!! Sometimes we give up on things because they are not right for us; sometimes it is fear; sometimes it is just that we are not ready yet. You do have to "do" anything with your past posts--they did the work of getting you to the place you are now. You may change your mind--but it will be YOUR mind, not someone else's. Yay for you!!! P.S. I thought I responded to last week's post of your actual manifesto, but it appears I didn't. I am inspired by each of the rich points. Thank you for sharing it!
ReplyDeleteDiane - I feel so happy that my self-reflection is inspiring you! Thank you so much for telling me.
DeleteI love your point that working with the posts got me to where I am today. The Buddhist concept of causes and conditions is inspiring to me - and I think that is what you are saying too.
You did respond to my manifesto! Thank you again for your support. You told me you printed it off and I was so amazed to think my words would be near you in a non-virtual manner!
Nicky, I believe you will finish the memoir. I believe it is wisdom that allows us to recognize when we've set ourselves a goal that isn't right for us. You showed wisdom in recognizing the compiled post book wasn't right for you. Thank you for sharing your journey.
ReplyDeleteDear Unknown! Thank you for your kind words. I can't remember where it was but I was reading the other day about the difference between wisdom and - shoot - I don't remember for sure - maybe it was the difference between wisdom and knowledge. I think that whatever the opposing word to wisdom was it was something that had nothing to do with your own personal knowing so I guess that the word could be knowledge. I appreciate you making that distinction for me in your post.
DeleteThank you for reading and commenting!
Dear Unknown again! I had to tell you that this morning I was reading about psychoanalysis and stopped short when I came across a sentence where an analyst was quoted as saying that in a session he was more concerned about what he didn't know - the unknown! This type of synchronicity interests me. It is a mystery to be explored!
DeleteHi, Nicky! You made me reflect on my own accomplishments. I am one to not do something because it's too hard. Maybe it's not worth working so hard for if it's not fun. If a project is fun I'll be determined to finish; and I know now, at my more experienced age, that it won't be as perfect as I would like. Sometimes a project can turn into a better project. Thank it for it's help and let it go? Jeanne
ReplyDeleteJeanne - so good to hear from you! I hope you included your drumming accomplishment in your reflection, it was so great to hear you and your band play. I hope I get a chance again in the near future. Please keep me posted as to future dates.
DeleteI appreciate your idea that we need to keep in mind that the end result may not be as perfect as we would like. I am finding that is true for the process of writing this memoir. I feel in the flow and the words come and I'm excited. UNTIL I come back to it the next day and it doesn't live up to my high expectations.
I have been told that this is part of the creative process so I'm trying to use my more experienced age to soothe me when I know the quality of writing I want and can't yet achieve it!
Thanks for reading and commenting! Have a great weekend.
Surely your creative juices must be surging after all those happy feet and lateral hops this morning.
ReplyDeleteKathi - Honestly, my creative juices need some restoration after exercise class, especially those happy feet one minute drills. I have trouble with hops too but they don't wear me out as much.
DeleteYou inspire me with your dedication to exercise and I always look forward to seeing you in class and trying to keep up with you. It is fun when we can compare notes on oxymorons like active rest.
You strike me as a person who has always known that you had to work hard and as a person who did work hard. I'd love to know where you learned these things and if anything in particular gets in your way when you want something and how you manage it.
Thanks for reading and making a comment. I think that you are correct that exercise does help my creative juices, especially after a nap!