Learn From Your Feelings - #51

Despite evidence to the contrary. my six decade old feeling Mom didn't do hard stuff and didn't teach me to persevere persisted,  Hearing from my brother his memory that Mom encouraged him to do his best, I briefly considered the idea that no reason existed for my feeling and I should disregard it.  

During a phone conversation with Lisbeth, one of my spiritual mentors and future daughter-in-law, I was surprised when she mentioned reading post #50. It reminded her of statements her mother made to her and how they undermined her desire to be a biologist: "You would have to take organic chemistry!" Her mother's concern led Lisbeth to believe being a biologist would be too difficult. As she shared this, a memory became conscious:

When I was a senior in high school and knew everything, I informed my mother that I wanted to be a missionary in Africa. She responded, rather matter of factly as I recall, that this would not be possible: "Nicky, you have a weak constitution." 

Once this memory appeared, it was like a puzzle piece locked into place. At some level, knowing my mom thought I was weak, meant to me that I wouldn't succeed if I tried something hard. Not wanting to prove her wrong, or probably more important if truth be told, look foolish, I established a pattern of giving up when things got too hard. 

The good news is that I know neither Lisbeth's nor my mother meant to discourage us, they thought they were being protective. And even more good news, is the fact that ways of thinking about yourself can change. Now that I know I am NOT weak, (I survived India three times), and that I have resources and support, I can tackle the hard stuff like writing a book.

One friend wrote and commented she thought it was brave of me to write about my analysis. Some days it feels really brave. Other days, in order to be brave,  I cling to the first paraphrased statement on my manifesto:

Anything worthwhile or deep needs time and energy.

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

CLUE: The image represents how much is in the dark when we work on ourselves, there is so much we don't know. Feelings are the lights that guide us. Pay attention to all your feelings this weekend, see what you can discover. Please let me know - we learn from one another!

Learning to Work - #50

I love that my brother responded to my manifesto. I offered him a chance to go offline to discuss further and he answered by going to the comments section and posting!  

The first item on my manifesto wouldn't have been there twenty years ago. I have had to learn, mostly in the last ten years, that  my wants don't materialize as the result of wishful thinking. Anything worthwhile takes time and effort.

My assumption that the first  time I tried something it would work perfectly didn't get me very far.  Believing things were too hard to continue, I stopped.

Now here's where I want to consult my brother for information about our mom. I don't mean this question to blame her, however, I believe that children learn ways of being from parents. Asking, I'm exploring the causes and conditions that led me to be me.

My memory is that our mom thought Weight Watchers was too hard and as a result, never tried it. I have always thought she didn't like to do anything that was too hard.  But now, as I'm writing this, I can't think of any other examples.  

Nolan - do you remember mom saying things were too hard to accomplish and then not doing them? How about you - what is your reaction when you come up against something difficult? What did you learn about accomplishing difficult things?

I'm in the process of writing a memoir about my experience in psychoanalysis. Because of my age and my former profession as a psychotherapist, I have a unique perspective.  

I didn't realize how difficult it would be.  

One thing I have learned in analysis is that you have to stick with the hard stuff!  So I declare that I am going to finish writing this memoir.

Everyone reading this is thinking, but too polite to say:  Nicky, you didn't stick with your goal of making something out of 360+ posts you had printed out! Won't you give up the memoir?

If anyone is asking that perfectly legitimate question, I want to say, no, I'm not going to give up. I believe I didn't follow through on the blog project because it was not my idea. My desire was not to make something out of those posts. It was someone else's suggestion, someone else's idea, and while it had possibilities that I wanted to explore, a spark never kindled as I was reading the posts and contemplating what to create with them.  

I believe I rushed to start working on the posts because I lacked the courage to say I wanted to write a memoir of my psychoanalytic treatment. At that time, I didn't tell many people that I was in analysis.

It was actually great to revisit all 360+ posts and I don't regret for a minute the time I spent. Rereading what I have written since 2012, gave me courage to begin the memoir. 

It was part of the preparation for tackling the writing of this memoir.


Thanks Nolan for your help. I'd love to hear from others about beginning and ending projects. Where do you run into difficulty?

CLUE: Watch yourself this week and see if you tackle new projects with gusto or mumble that they are too difficult and give up. Let me know what you find.

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall
 Image received @ Red Feather Lakes in 2010.

Sharing My Surprise Manifesto - #49

I have enrolled in three of Dan Blank's three month Creative Shift Mastermind* groups beginning January of this year. My memory doesn't quite remember being given the assignment to write my own Manifesto in February or May but I'm pretty certain the assignment was given.  But here's the thing: I never even attempted it. 

This time when Dan gave the manifesto assignment I heard,  "all you have to do to create your manifesto is decide what you want to tell others about what is important to you." I realize that is not a very free flowing sentence but something about how he described the process of writing a manifesto this time encouraged me to tackle the task in my journal that very morning. I was surprised!

After I wrote the Manifesto heading in my journal, the words seemed to appear. Again I repeat, I was surprised. I was pleased by how easy it turned out to be once I started writing and when I shared it with a former group member she said that it was so beautiful, she printed it out and wanted to keep it near. I was totally surprised at her reaction!

Another thing I hadn't heard before that may have encouraged me was: "think of what kind of conversation you like to have with others."  If you know my INFJ self, my introverted, quiet self, my twoness on the enneagram self, you know that I am most comfortable talking about intimate, personal, uncomfortable-for-most-people, stuff. I think my Manifesto indicates these tendencies. 

So I decided that my blog readers deserved to read this manifesto because it is the basis for everything I write  Take a look:

I believe (and often protest) that anything deep and meaningful takes time to create and intimately know.

I believe that the causes and conditions we are exposed to throughout our life may foster in us mistaken notions that are not adequate for healthy living.

I believe that we need support to thrive.

I believe that each person has many different inner parts and that each person needs to be acquainted with as many of these parts as possible. I believe that the parts will act up or prevent us from doing what we want to do if we don’t know them and learn how to manage them.

I believe that coming together with another person is a way to learn who you are. This is Freud’s idea of transference: we see parts of ourselves in others and can use this to learn more about who we are.

I believe that being gentle with your developing Self is key to progress.

There are probably no surprises but if there are, I have had recent practice dealing with surprises so let me know. I'd love to hear what you would leave out or add. I would be honored if you would write your own manifesto and share with me. I won't publish it unless you give me permission.

CLUE: Start a conversation sometime this week about a subject that would be on your manifesto, something you ordinarily don't talk about but would like to. Let me know how what happens.

 *Here is contact information for Dan Blank. The new MM will begin October:  http://wegrowmedia.com/mm/
WeGrowMedia - Dan Blank
The Creative Shift Mastermind

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

This 2010 image was created in Brazil.

A New Look at Exploring Mysteries - #48

The name exploring the mystery mysteriously came to me in 2012, when my web designer asked: "What name do we give this creation?"  

I grow fonder of the name every year, perhaps as I become more aware of its complexity.

As I become more comfortable with how complex life is, it is easier to accept that a mystery is more than a puzzle to be solved.  I've often had to remind myself that we are not exploring the mystery to come up with an answer.  

Mystery, the type we are exploring, describes something for which there is no human solution. The proper response to a genuine mystery is awe. In order to feel awe, we need to step back, take time, and savor. 

A dream is a mystery. Earlier this week, I tried to capture the essence of a dream. The illegible scratchings on an index card made with a pen that didn't start writing in the dark when I thought it did, led to a mystery all it's own.  Parts on the paper were almost impossible to read but here's what I deciphered:

I was backing fast down the driveway singing Dora Dora. 

It was an embarrassment to me as a psychotherapist to never feel competent making meaning out of dreams. This was mainly because I had a belief that I couldn't make meaning out of dreams. My frustration and eagerness to have the answer immediately often led to not even trying.

I've been missing being a therapist lately so I decided to be one for myself and stay with the dream,. To not let myself give up.   

So when I was thinking and talking outloud to myself about the backing up part of the dream, I suddenly remembered writing blog posts a few weeks ago where the focus was on paying attention to what is in back of us. So maybe I was backing up because there was something important back there! Perhaps the dream is related to the memoir I am writing about my psychoanalysis.  

The "doro doro" song may have been triggered by a note my sister recently passed on to me, a note that I wrote my mother sixty-seven years ago when she was in the hospital giving birth to this sister. Being nearly six years old at the time, I assured my mother that I was fine and reported that I was able to play "doctor doctor" on the piano.

It doesn't feel like I've solved the mystery of my dream and what it means but I have explored it. The process of exploration is satisfying when I am able to slow down, savor, examine, and explore.

Do you like thinking of the word mystery in this way or does it frustrate you? What do you wish you would slow down, savor, examine and explore more? I would love to hear your ideas. What is a mystery to you? Please email me or comment on the blog.

CLUE: If you remember a dream this week, take some time to play around with it - whether or not you believe that dreams bring us psychological knowledge. Whatever you think about dreams, I think we all might feel that the contents of a dream are mysterious.

Thank you for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

Deal With Complexity By Doing More Or Less? - #47

I am tempted to overlook the complexities of life. Even after years of analysis, my pattern of reverting to all or nothing thinking  is very seductive.

When I wrote in Post #46 that meditation was as simple as following your breath, nothing about that was untrue. What I didn't say was that meditation can be so much more. So much more, just like life can be so much more, when we pay attention.

That life is too complex for all or nothing thinking is one of the most valuable insights I have gained in treatment. And it was a difficult lesson for me to learn and then put in practice. As you can tell, I'm still working on it.

I have been and sometimes remain tempted to rush important decisions for the purpose of settling the matter at hand. This is because I am uncomfortable waiting for clarity. Anxiety can be difficult to contain.

This morning during meditation, a person from the past popped into the the present moment. Our connection was severed over twenty years ago. When I thought of this person, I felt something was unsettled. My initial reaction was that I needed to DO something.

One reason meditation has been valuable for me is that sitting on the cushion* and staying there, even when discomforting emotions  urge me to DO something, I can practice being with the anxiety and then make considered choices instead of thoughtless reactions.

Because I've experienced in meditation that feelings rise and then pass away, I stayed with the uncomfortable feeling. Yes, I said to myself, I could call this person. Then the thought arose that there was really nothing more for me to say. That doing nothing was the option that made the most sense right now.

Sometimes dealing with complexity means you say more. Other times, dealing with complexity is best dealt with by saying less. It can be complex figuring out which option we want to take.

CLUE: When something feels complex & bugs you this week, think of some ways to do less rather than doing more. Let me know how it goes and how you feel about it.

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

*Or in my case kneeling on a bench because it is no longer possible to cross my legs in front of me. I also want to acknowledge that many people don't meditate and I have observed that these people accomplish the same skill of managing their feelings that a person who meditates does. I applaud wholeheartedly however we learn to deal with our feelings.


Image taken when the flowers on the back deck were glorious. Now they are wilted and playing dead.