"It is unnerving, this new unreliability in my vision. Perhaps that's why I find myself looking backward. The past has a clarity I can no longer see in the present."
Since I have cataracts in both eyes and optic neuropathy in my left eye and keep writing about what is behind me, I was astonished to read this. The story begins in 1995 when the woman is eighty. I was excited to read about someone older than me.
But Chapter 2 shifts back to 1939.
I was mad because I didn't want to know what happened in the past. I wanted to know what happened to her at eighty! Why did she climb the rickety stairs to her attic and how did she handle her doctor son who tried to boss her around?
I decided to skip to the last chapter.
Chapter 39, finds the 80 year old main character facing her fears and traveling to Paris with her son but not letting him boss her around. She reconnects with people from her past and her son is impressed and all her secrets are revealed. She is a heroine. She finds herself.
I cried. I'm not kidding you, I sort of sobbed - not a big sob but a short sob.
I was feeling down before I got to Chapter 39 because a group I'm in is ending next week and I will miss the connections. I figured that was probably bothering me but I didn't want to admit it. I didn't want to sit with the feelings. I just wanted to feel differently.
The release of tears made me feel better. Why can't I remember to pay attention to my feelings and really feel them? Feelings are in back of my mind and I am going to learn to pay attention to them!
CLUE: Pick a feeling that is in back of your mind and really feel it. See how it shifts and changes. Be thankful that you can feel feelings. They are what makes us human. Cherish at least one feeling this week! Please tell me which one you choose.
Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall
*The Nightingale: A Novel by Kristin Hannah, 2015.
The Nightingale is one of my most favorite books....such a powerful women’s story. You won’t be sorry that you read it all!
ReplyDeleteWhat a nice surprise to hear from you Jeanne! I'm glad to know that you love Nightingale. I may have to read Chapters 2 to 38 now!
DeleteThanks for reading - it's good to know you are out there!
Hi Nicky. I am going to pay attention to self-doubt. I am actually beginning a project that I am very excited about--one that will challenge me in ways that I have not been challenged before. Alongside the excitement is the self-doubt. Am I getting in over my head? Am I the right one to do this project? What do I know? These questions pop up all the time. Instead of trying to squash them or let them get the best of me, I will pay attention to them. I'll ask myself, "Why is the question popping up now? What is the fear underneath the doubt?" and I will sit and listen to the answer! Thanks for the post!
ReplyDeleteDiane - what an excellent idea to pay attention to the self doubt instead of letting it bamboozle you! I bet the answer you hear will be a help in knowing what to do next. Taking one step at a time will help too I bet. I send lots of good wishes for the project's success.
DeleteThanks so much for reading and commenting. Self doubt is something I will pay more attention to because of your words so I thank you for helping me!
Nicky, I'm also a little sad because the group is ending, but that doesn't mean we can't stay in touch.
ReplyDeleteI didn't finish the Nightingale. It moved too slowly for me. Perhaps I will try again some day, but for now there are other things I'd rather read.
What's interesting to me is that even though you didn't read the whole book, it spoke to you. The power of the written word amazes me every day.
Have a wonderful day, my friend.
Thank you Susan. We will stay in touch!
DeleteMy friend in TN wrote that The Nightingale was one of her favorite books and that she wants to hear from me after I read it all. I think I will try at some point but for now, it is back at the Library. Thanks for your input.
I think it is interesting that the beginning and the end were enough for me at this time. And you are so correct that the power of the written word is an everyday miracle to pay attention to!
Thanks for reading and commenting. Much appreciated.
This makes me think the same way as when we visualized ourselves as 20 years from now. I can’t seem to be aware of my feelings on a continuous basis. Unless something really touches you, I don’t think about how I feel.
ReplyDeleteNolan - interesting this made you think of the visualization exercise and that it is difficult to pay attention to how you feel consistently. That may be a good thing - I don't know. Maybe feelings are just part of us and we don't notice unless we need to pay attention for some reason. Don't know what to say.
DeleteI notice your comment was made yesterday - I didn't receive it until this evening - the 24th. So glad to find it!
Thanks so much.
I have a terrible time with sadness. It sits like a rock and I have to take different avenues to access it. Found a new phrase this AM that helped me reach it today. Next time I'll need to find something else.
ReplyDeleteSounds like you are using the power of words to help you contact your feelings. Susan, in a comment above, spoke of her amazement at the power of words. So true.
DeleteKeep your eyes out for phrases you like and make a note of them. Maybe you can use them in the future. Or maybe it will be a movement or gesture that will help next time. Good that you are working on accessing your feelings.
Thank you so much for reading and commenting!
This is my favorite of your recent posts, possibly because I am a reader and like to hear how books impact people. But also I enjoyed your "rebellion" against the stricture of having to read the whole book. It really made me see you more clearly. Anyway, this is from Greg's wife (from the mastermind). Thanks for writing!
ReplyDeleteWhat a delightful surprise to hear from you - I hoped you would respond to my invitation. I hope you will subscribe and receive posts every Saturday.
DeleteI appreciate you picking up on my rebellion - having always been a "good" girl, it did seem a bit naughty to skip ahead. It is interesting what helps us get to know a writer - often things that the author doesn't consciously add.
I like your "handle" cendare and would love to know more about it.
Thanks again,