Mid Week Tea Bag Wisdom

I hope you make a habit of taking a moment to savor the bits of wisdom on the tag of your tea bag. Here's a recent one I noticed:

"It is better to to something ridiculously stupid than to be ridiculously boring."

Can you guess who said this? 

DRUM ROLL:

Marilyn Monroe

Do you agree with this advice? I do.

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

Are You Ready For A Story? - #157

Here's a story we can use for beginning to understand the Buddhists definition of detachment:

"Once, an old woman, as an act of charity, undertook to support a monk living in a nearby hermitage. The monk was an austere and seemingly holy fellow who needed very little in the way of food, clothing, or shelter. But after a couple of years the old woman decided to test the monk. 

"She sent her beautiful daughter out to the hermitage and instructed her to put her arms around his neck and ask, "Mr. Monk, do you think I'm beautiful?"

"Well, the monk just sat there impassively, and after a moment said, "A withered tree doesn't notice the change of seasons."

"So the beautiful daughter went back to her mother and told her what the monk had said. Whereupon the old lady went out and burned down his hermitage and drove him away, yelling, 

"I can't believe I've wasted all my hard-earned money on a fraud like you!"

Barry Magid explains in Ordinary Mind (2002 & 2005), that being detached in the neurotic sense, trying to avoid all feeling, and retreating into some unchanging state is not what Buddhists mean by detachment.

Positive detachment centers on the awareness of impermanence. You don't have to give up on the things of the world but accept that they go away. This reminds me of our consultant and her countertops.

As always, I would love to hear from you - I am not detached from my readers. I am learning that the dream of a life without ups and downs is foolish and that emotions give depth to life.

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

Holding On and Letting Go With Our Consultant!

"I think attachment is just a holding on to something with the belief that it can make us happy.  Zen Buddhism is about letting go more than holding on."

These wise words are from our consultant Vicki Goldsmith. When she writes that attachment "is just a holding on," the little word "a" slows me down.

Even though "a holding on" is the opposite of "a letting go" - there are times that we need to hold the tension of opposites. 

My stomach gets anxious when gazing at the down escalator in Von Maur. I imagine the unique combination of letting go and holding on, that is required to get on the escalator, is triggering buried issues that need resolution. 

It is not easy to admit that you are afraid to step on the down escalator. It is humbling. I'm trying to learn from it.

Vicki closes with a helpful question: "What should I do/say/buy/notice this instant, and how can I lessen suffering?"

Is there an example in your life of letting go and holding on at the same time that is a challenge for you? Have you ever had to hold the tension of a pair of opposites? Please share with us your experiences.

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

Does Anyone Tell You What Attachments To Make? - #156

Buddhism is not a belief system. When you become a Buddhist, there is nothing your have to believe. You will be told about the Four Noble Truths and Eight Pieces of Brocade. You don't have to believe this or take a vow that signifies a life long attachment to these precepts (guiding principles).

As a Buddhist, you will be encouraged to see how these precepts work in your life. Do they make sense to you? No one will ask if you believe them.  

In a belief system, like Christianity, you may be asked by a true believer whether you believe in Jesus or perhaps if you have been born again.  

Some Christian churches are not this fundamental. The motto (precepts?) for the large progressive United Church of Christ Christian church to which belong, and would attend more often but for the temptation of the NY Times & now Sunday morning Tai Chi in the park, has the motto: We agree to differ, We resolve to love. We unite to serve.

The Buddhist perspective is that the true seat of the mind is the heart, not the brain. (Note to consultant: I'm not sure what this means or what its implications are. My question is, do you think it is true?)

According to Pew Research Center in 2012, there were nearly 500 Million Buddhists (7%) in the world. 

Compare that with 2.2 Billion Christians (32%) and 1.6 billion Muslims (23%). If you Google these figures you will find they vary according to source. These figures are from 2012. 

Photo is from Burtynsky's Water exhibit that we explored last year. It captures a few of the 1 Billion Hindus (15%)

I'm floating out the idea that the more we believe, the more attached we become. What do you think readers? What do you think consultant?

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

NOTE - If you know any Buddhists that would like to join our discussion or anyone you think would enjoy these posts, please forward to them. 

Exploring The Mystery Hires A Consultant!

    

I'm excited to continue our exploration of the Buddhist view of attachment.  Excited but wondering who on earth I think I am to undertake such a venture. 

As the fog in my mind cleared, it became evident that I'm a person who needs a consultant!  A person knowledgeable about Buddhism. A person who practices meditation. Vicki Goldsmith, a Buddhist who has meditated since the flood of 1993, fits both those requirements.  I emailed her.

"Oh, sure, Nicky.  I'd love to help.  People sometimes think non attachment means not caring about anything or anyone, but it is about not basing your happiness on that connection, on realizing the impermanence of that thing or relationship. 

I am buying countertops right now, and I love the pattern I've chosen, but I have to stay aware that if the house burns down, I'll be fine without the countertops."

Thank you Vicki! If you have questions for Vicki - send them to me by replying to this email. We will continue to learn more in the next few posts.

Thanks for exploring the mystery of Buddhism -  N. Mendenhall

Attachment: Stressful and Unsatisfactory - #155

The St. Patrick's Day post promised attachment from the Buddhist perspective. Let's see what we can learn.

The Buddha's first sermon outlined Four Noble Truths. 

The First Noble Truth informs us that life is "Dukkha" - Dukkha a Pali word often translated as suffering. More modern translations prefer the words stressful or unsatisfactory.  

Why do Buddhists believe life is unsatisfactory?

The Second Noble Truth answers that question with our word attachment! When we are attached to people or things and they change or die, we are stressed and dissatisfied.  We suffer.

Our tendency as humans is to become attached to things we like.  If you've been paying attention you know that everything ends and everything changes.

The photo: Tulip petals from gift bouquet for Easter.  

What does that have to do with Buddhism? Easter is a Christian holiday isn't it?

The petals represent impermanence, an important concept for Buddhists.  

Is your life satisfactory? Are you stressed? What do you think of the idea that life is unsatisfactory/suffering? Do you like this definition of attachment? Let us know by replying to this email or going to the blog and making a comment.


Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

Tolerating Physical Symptoms

I'm still reading The Body Keeps The Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk, M.D. It has been a helpful resource for our series on attachment. Bessel also offers advice on managing pain.

I'm paying attention to that part right now. 

The tradition at my church Easter Sunday is for the minister to invite members of the congregation, who so desire, to walk down front and sing the Alleluia Chorus with the esteemed Chancel Choir.  

I'm a soprano and to my surprise, some of the alleluias were higher this year. Hold your mouth open as if you are going to sing alleluia. See how it stretches your jaw? I wasn't able to hit the highest notes but I had to look like I was hitting the highest notes. My mouth was stretched wide open even when no sound was coming out.  

After church, Easter dinner. To chew ham was difficult enough but forcing a malted-milk-ball-Easter-egg into my mouth was even more difficult. The second egg harder than the first!

I began to recognize TMJ symptoms.

In order to cope, I'm using Bessel's advice to manage pain. He calls pain, a sensation. 

If Bessel were here he would say: "Nicky - you need to tolerate your physical sensations for what they are - just sensations in the present, with a beginning, a middle, and an end."

He would help me stay calm enough to notice what I felt without judgment. Without catastrophizing. Without beating myself up for not feeling 100%. 

Next time you have a physical symptom, hear Bessel's voice (or mine) encouraging you to tolerate your physical sensation for what it is - just a sensation in the present, with a beginning, a middle, and an end.

Right now it is Tuesday morning. I woke up with my jaw sensations and a new one: the sensation that I didn't publish this last night. This was affirmed when it didn't come into my inbox this morning. I don't know when Feedburner will send this out.

Whenever you receive this, send me and my jaw healing energy. 

Thanks for exploring the mystery of sensations - Nicky Mendenhall

Is Attachment Up Close & Personal? - #154

"The closer you get to anything, the less personal it becomes."

Thus says Michael Stone,* a wise teacher who spoke on April Fool's Day as part of the Daily Dharma series.  Let's see if we can unpack this sentence (I've always wanted to say that!) and make sure it wasn't an April Fool's joke.

When a relationship becomes more intimate, closer=less personal looks like:  

 ...... the less you think about who the other is or who you are. Michael says that the closer you are to another person, the less that person has to do for you. I'm not sure I understand that.

If you are a meditator, closer=less personal may exhibit as: 

......the more you feel your breath in your body as you are meditating, the less you think. Breathing becomes a function of the natural world. You don't have to think about the breath, it just is.

When you get closer to your body, closer=less personal might mean:

......your body feels just like A body - not your body.

Does it make sense to you that closer=less personal ? Michael says the purpose of this idea is to help us feel more intimate with our day to day experience. It can help us be more embodied. Most of us, myself included, spend way too much time in our heads.

I know from my experience that when I pay attention to my body, my experience has a different character.  

My massage therapist Kate Teas didn't like Michael's word personal and suggested that we change it to "in the now." This makes sense to me - when you are really with someone, there is nothing but the present moment. The closer I get to another, the more in the now I am. Being in the now isn't personal, it just is.

I wonder how closer=less personal fits with what we learned in the last post -  things come together quietly and things make noise when they break apart? 

I would love to hear from you. exploring the mystery alone is not as much fun as having a passel of friends throwing in their ideas!

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

*MichaelStoneteaching.com

Nepo' s Recipe For Attachment

"The truth is that this is how we evolve inwardly: by separating and rejoining, each time rearranging who we are....."*

Beyond Awakening's 100th interview on Sunday featured poet Mark Nepo. I remembered purchasing a book by Nepo several years ago, reading part of it, putting it on the shelf. I wondered what I would think now.

Making time to listen to Terry Patten interview Nepo appealed to me. Maybe there would be insights into attachment. I believe Nepo spoke of attachment without using the word. 

Here's a paraphrase of what I heard; see if it speaks to you of attachment:

"Things come together quietly; when they fall apart, they make a lot of noise."  

Attachment, according to the two Nepo quotes, may be as much about separation as it is about togetherness. What do you think? Do you need spaces in your attachments? If you need space, how do you go about getting it?

Please reply to this email or go to the blog by clicking on underlined exploring the mystery below or click on the word comment. I'm getting attached to hearing from you!


Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

*Mark Nepo, The Exquisite Risk (2005).

Balancing Act: Autonomy & Belonging - #153

exploring the mystery cannot be accused of ignoring attachment as an important component of life. If your sense of autonomy has been begging for recognition: relief follows!

You may recognize a portion of the following quote from a previous blog. If you do, congratulate yourself for remembering - this is a great quote to have in your heart:

"We are not here to fit in, be well balanced, or provide exempla for others.

"We are here to be eccentric, different, perhaps strange, perhaps merely to add our small piece, our little clunky, chunky selves, to the great mosaic of being.............

"We are here to become more and more ourselves."*

If your attachments/relationships encourage you to become more and more yourself, congratulate yourself once again. Regardless of where you are now in your life, keep working to make autonomy and belonging, separateness and attachment balance!

Is it more difficult to be yourself when you are in a relationship? Please let me know by replying to this email or going to the blog by clicking on exploring the mystery at the bottom of this page.

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

*What Matters Most: Living a More Considered Life by James Hollis, PH. D.

Photo materialized in my kitchen recently. Similar to the Buddhist practice of making beautiful sand mandalas, and then sweeping them away, this sculpture is no longer in existence.  

Midweek: Why Do We Live Disembodied?

A creative exploring the mystery reader suggests our first attachment may be  to our body - not to our parents.  Go to blog comment section March 10, 2015, to read her thinking.

Attachment suggests connection. When we are attached to someone or something, we spend time making certain the person or object is safe. If our first attachment is to our body, why do many of us struggle with, and many times fail, our attempts to care for our bodies?

Most of us, self included, spend our waking life in our minds, intellects, or heads (whatever label you choose). This interferes with our ability to feel our feelings. 

Disappointment can be a path to our emotions. We don't get to know feelings by thinking, we get to know feelings by feeling. Feelings need exercise.  

Anger is one feeling that I don't exercise very often. Longtime readers will remember when threats of the emerald ash bore led to a plan by the Homeowners Association to cut down perfectly healthy trees in my yard. 

My first response to the news was disappointment. I would miss these trees, I commune with them every day. Staying with the disappointment, feelings of powerlessness appeared. Not liking the feeling of powerlessness, anger erupted from a deep place inside me  The anger helped me speak up and save the trees.   

Does your mind get in the way of exercising your feelings? Do you have ideas about our first attachment? Please let me know in an email or in the comment section. BTW, I use emotion and feelings to refer to the same thing in this post.

Thank you for exploring the mystery of attachment
                                                                     - Nicky Mendenhall

The photo (and the camel photo last post) is from a feeling engendering photo exhibit at The World Food Prize building, downtown Des Moines. I am currently unable to locate the name of the photographer.  

You Gotta Have Attachments! - #152

"The need for attachment never lessens," writes Bessel Van Der Kolk, in one of my favorite new books: The Body Keeps the Score (2014).

In our daily lives, we watch people attach to others through work, friendships, and family. Humans cannot tolerate being disengaged from others for very long. Of course this varies depending on the person's attachment style.

Bessel* writes that people who cannot bond with others, in the ordinary ways listed above, find other ways: illnesses, lawsuits, or family feuds. He continues: "Anything is preferable to that godforsaken sense of irrelevance and alienation.".

This is not permission to blame people who exhibit these less than optimal strategies. Remember, people don't choose these strategies consciously. 

Life is challenging when you enjoy positive attachments; think what it would be like to be lonely.  As we move into the spring season, people come out of their winter hibernation. Greet each person you meet with kindness and compassion.

As for the camels, I've decided that once in awhile I'll use an image I love but that doesn't necessarily reference the post. The challenge is for you to make a connection - then let me know. We will create meaning together! Keep me posted on your view of attachments and remember if you are riding a camel, be attached!

Thanks for continuing to explore the mystery of attachments - 
                                                               Nicky Mendenhall



*I take the liberty of using Van Der Kolk's first name after hearing his personable presentation for NICABM

MidWeek: Good News About Attachment Styles

Our exploration of attachment will initially focus on the psychological meaning of attachment. Exploring Buddhist ways of thinking about attachment will be in future posts. 

Psychologists describe attachment as exhibiting four styles: secure, avoidant, anxious, and disorganized.

All of us want to be persons with secure attachment; not all of us are that lucky.  Bowlby* (1988) believes a person with secure attachments will "feel bold in his explorations of the world."

The formula for secure attachment: 

Being seen, understood, met, and loved as we truly are.**

Don't worry, research now tells us that if as a child you aren't lucky enough to receive these from your caregivers, you don't have to be saddled with a less functional attachment style forever. 

Insecure attachment (and anxious and disorganized attachment) is subject to change! 

The good news: what happens to us in childhood can be modified.

Scientist now know neuroplasticity makes it possible for neural networks to shift and change and as they do, attachment styles can be modified.

Next post will continue to explore attachment in all its complexity. If you have questions or comments, I would be pleased to hear them. Email me or (let's see if it works this time) go to bottom and click on exploring the mystery that is underlined. This will take you to the blog. Scroll up and down to find the comment box.

In case you are wondering - here is the answer to the quiz last week: "a" or "b" or "a&b". It turns out there could be no wrong answer. 

Thanks exploring the mystery of attachment -  Nicky Mendenhall

*Bowlby quoted in A Psychotherapy of Love (2010), Firman & Gila, page 32.

**Attachment sections (I lost the page & I want to go to bed!) in The Neuroscience of Psychotherapy (2010), Cozolino.

Attached to Attachment - #151

If you visited the comment section* of exploring the mystery this week, you already know the meaning of the word attachment varies depending on its context.

Regardless of whether or not you understand the complexities of the word attachment, please choose a or b in exploring the mystery's first quiz:

The Dalai Lama, the spiritual leader of the Tibetan people, would agree with which of the following definitions:

a. Attachment refers to the nature of our interactions with others.  

OR

b. Attachment refers to an unhealthy tendency to project good qualities onto people and then cling to them, expecting they will bring happiness.

FYI: a and b are both bonafide definitions of attachment. 

Do you choose a or b?

And the next question - which definition do you want to explore first? 

If you have a preference, email me by replying to this message, letting me know if you are more interested in exploring the "nature of interactions" or exploring the dynamics of "projecting and clinging".  

Thanks 4 exploring the mystery of attachment - Nicky Mendenhall

*At the bottom of this post you will see Comments. Click on it to go to the blog, then scroll up and down to see the comments. While there you can enter your comment or read other comments.

**HH is a nickname for the Dalai Lama. I learned this while traveling in India. HH stands for His Holiness.

Midweek: The First Attachment

My maternal grandmother lived in the house pictured above sans red door and decorative circle. 

Our first attachment is to our parents. Our attachment to them is influenced by their attachment to their parents. Norman Fischer, in Taking Our Places,* writes:

"In the end our maturity demands that in accepting our parents we find a way to be grateful to them, no matter how terrible a job they may have done with us."

Fischer continues: "......to accept our parents with gratitude is to accept the world as it actually is and to understand its suffering and confusion with a wide wisdom."

So as we explore attachment to our parents, I hope to keep his wise words in mind. Accepting the world as it actually is - where did you learn to do this?

More to come in Post #151 on attachment. In the meantime, please consider what comes to your mind when you think of the attachments in your life - and tell me, Do you accept the world as it actually is? Let me know what you think and feel. We're going into another complicated mystery!

Thanks for Exploring the Mystery of Attachment - 
                                                                        Nicky Mendenhall

The Secret Life of Attachments: - #150

Today I felt a pain in my thigh as my massage therapist was working on my legs. I asked, "What is that?" She answered, "An attachment."

In the lovely relaxed atmosphere of her office, free association took over: I have an attachment to my husband and three sons and their families, my two stepdaughters and their families, eating organic food, being surrounded by beauty, watching the sunset. 

Then, like the unwanted previews on Netflix DVD's, my less wholesome attachments began parading across the screen: my need to have decisions settled and decided right now, my need to be on time, my need to know everything. 

The pain in my thigh was related to an attachment. Does attachment often lead to pain?

I wanted to write about this today as it was fresh on my mind. The more I mulled it over, the more I suspected that attachments are mysteries to explore and that the subject is not going to be closed in one blog post. 

More exploration of this is needed.

What are you attached to - both on the positive and less flattering side? Please let me know on the comment section on the blog or hit return to this email.

Thanks for exploring the mystery of attachments - 
                                                                    Nicky Mendenhall
Photo captured while waiting for green flash purported to happen when sun dips into the ocean. San Diego, CA.

Rilke Recommends Insecurity

It's Midweek - time for a word from Rilke. 

Today's reading, titled 'Not Prisoners' from A Year With Rilke, made me question whether I focus too much on security. As I age, I want to try new things - go in all the rooms of my house but I find myself being more reluctant and afraid. 

Will I have the courage to explore the mystery? Do you try new activities or do you settle in and do the same things over and over with the same people?

And another quick midweek comment - as winter goes on and on, I am beginning to feel a bit like a prisoner. Are you ready for a change of season? I am!

Now here's Rilke to explain what rooms and prisons I mean:

"If we imagine our being as a room of any size, it seems that most of us know only a single corner of that room, a spot by the window, a narrow strip on which we keep walking back and forth. That gives a kind of security. But isn't insecurity with all its dangers so much more human?

We are not prisoners of that room."*

Tell me what you think about Rilke's conclusion that taking risks is what makes us human and that to be insecure can be liberating.

Thank you for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

The photo is of my CA granddaughter's courage and free spirit.

* A Year With Rilke translated and edited by Joanna Macy & Anita Barrows (2009).

Who Is In Your Head? - #149

Pico Iyer is in my head. He snuck in a word at a time. His articles, published by Tricycle, The New York Times, and an occasional airline magazine, support my exploration of mysteries.  

Pico, a lifelong traveler, has the ability to plumb the depths of human nature. (Notice, if you will, how we are on a first name basis.)

The Man Within My Head,* Pico's book describing Graham Greene's foothold in his head, was the rare book I wasn't interested in buying. Unfamiliar and uninterested in Greene's work, I would skip this one.

Promotional material and book reviews tried to convince me otherwise. Both hinted it was essential this book make it into my Amazon cart. 1-click option activated and instant gratification wins again.

The reviews were right - the book is engaging. Here's one of my favorite sentences: "Was it only through another that I could begin to get at myself?"

This made me ask: Is it only through Pico that I can begin to learn about myself? 

I haven't met Pico FTF. Pico didn't meet Graham Greene FTF. Nevertheless, both relationships, mine with Pico and Pico with Graham, were instrumental in the process of our individual self definition.

Who is in your head? How did they get there? Would you be different without them? Who helps you be you? Is there anyone in your head  you wish wasn't? Please let me know in an email or comment in comments section. 

Thanks for exploring the mystery headspace - Nicky Mendenhall

In honor of Pico's travels, the picture above is from my trip to Greece in the early part of the twenty-first century.

Midweek: Good News About Aging

"I seem to be waking to a larger world of wonderment – to catch little glimpses of the immensity and diversity of creation. More than at any other time of my life, I seem to be aware of the beauties of our spinning planet and the sky above. Old age is sharpening my awareness." * ~ Ram Dass, Being With What Is* I wish I would have written the above paragraph; maybe I'm not quite old enough yet. Each year I feel more and more aware of life!  Ram Das will be 84 on April 6, 2015. In 1971, his seminal book, Be Here Now, was published. I remember having a copy years ago but now I can't locate it. Today everyone writes about being in the moment! As you get older, do you appreciate the immensity and diversity of life? I do. Do you appreciate the beauty of the present moment? I do. Let me know how you cope with aging - no matter what your age. Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall Ram Das quote found here: kimmanleyort.com  .

Tis the Weekend for Breathing & Resting - #148

"Sometimes the most important thing in a whole day
is the rest we take between two deep breaths."*


This quote from First Sip appeared in my phone email box at just the right moment this afternoon. I was out running errands. My winter coat popped a button. My new haircut didn't produce the look I wanted. The low fuel symbol on my dash began to flash. 

In the midst of those happenings, which I took in stride better than usual, I tried to formulate a post idea in my mind for completing this evening.

Opening up First Sip made me pause as I read about breathing and resting. It soothed my nerves. Then when I didn't devolve into the disaster place I have in the past, I felt pleasure arising.  

How do you handle a series of disappointments? 

My wish for readers of exploring the mystery is for a weekend of breathing and resting. Thanks for reading. Nicky Mendenhall

The photo above is of the sky one evening when I was leaving my office. Looks like snow doesn't it?

*Etty Hillesum

MidWeek - Time To Get Thrown Out of the Nest

The essence of life is that it's challenging. Sometimes it is sweet, and sometimes it is bitter. Sometimes your body tenses, and sometimes it relaxes or opens. Sometimes you have a headache, and sometimes you feel 100 percent healthy.

From an awakened perspective, trying to tie up all the loose ends and finally get it together is death, because it involves rejecting a lot of your basic experience. There is something aggressive about that approach to life, trying to flatten out all the rough spots and imperfections into a nice smooth ride.

To be fully alive, fully human, and completely awake is to be continually thrown out of the nest. To live fully is to be always in no-man's-land, to experience each moment as completely new and fresh. To live is to be willing to die over and over again. From the awakened point of view, that's life.

Wise words by Pema Chodron found on First Sip, February 17, 2015.

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

Love According To Angel - #147

Angel Kyodo Williams believes the best way to find love is to create space. In her view, love is spaciousness itself.  

I "met" Angel Kyodo Williams* when she presented a live Daily Dharma Talk,* February 12, 2015. To learn more about Kyodo, an African American Zen Priest, Google her name. When I did this, I found and listened to parts of an interview sponsored by the Global Oneness Project. 

I remember clients who have been puzzled by their partner's request for space. They ask, "What do they mean by space? What do they want?" Kyodo's possible answer: Space and Love are the same. 

She might suggest to the person who was asked for more space to say to the person making the request: "I want to let you be as you are rather than trying to control you." 

As I listened to Kyodo speak about functional love beginning in space, it occurred to me that Valentine's Day is the Western World's attempt to create space for love.

Exploring the mystery wishes you a spacious Valentine's Day. If you experience any discomfort, remember that you always have the tool of breathing space around the discomfort. Your breath will create the space for the discomfort to ease. Fighting the discomfort will likely make you more miserable and increase your suffering. Accept the discomfort and make space for love.

Thanks for exploring the mystery of love - Nicky Mendenhall

*To learn more about this inspiring African American Zen Priest, Google her name. There are multiple options to choose from. I listened to parts of a complete interview of Kyodo by the Global Oneness Project.

Photo: Received at my massage therapist's office.

MidWeek Wisdom: Wait Till Top of Hill

I experienced a miniscule stab of chagrin (I almost didn't pay attention to it but I'm tracking feelings these days) when this comment from Karen arrived in my inbox:   

"While I am not denying that some decisions need to be made immediately, my many years experience tells me most do not.  I think people rush to decisions less out of necessity than being uncomfortable with uncertainty for a period."

How did she know that? 

I sort of knew that.

The way she put it made it so clear.  

So if I remember that what I'm rushing away from is uncertainty, I will be more likely to slow down. Somehow naming uncertainty as uncertainty takes some of the mystery out why it's such a temptation to rush ahead. I will be able to explore the mystery of uncertainty and not rush into making foolhardy decisions.  

Thank you Karen for helping me explore the mystery of my rushing and for being willing to be published.

Let me know how you manage uncertainty!

Thank you readers for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

Intersections To Be Aware Of - #146

Why am I so passionate about recognizing and possibly eradicating black and white thinking? 

I would like to propose that black or white, either/or responses occur when we are happily  motoring along  and suddenly encounter an unexpected T intersection.  

Suddenly, a question is thrust in front of us. A decision has to be made.

Knee-jerk reactions are by definition automatic and unthinking.

We depend on our conditioning to answer lightening fast questions. Can you trust your conditioning? Do you know how your conditioning is likely to respond?

For me, my conditioning is likely to want me to rush which means my response is not well-thought out.

How do you handle T intersections?

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

Mid Week: More About Black & White

As soon as we admit that there are no right answers, that we must be ready to live with contradiction, we are forced instead to listen to one another, to admit our need to learn, to recognize our need to receive.*

The above Esther de Waal quote gives us clues for moving from a black and white perspective.   

The comment section of exploring the mystery (click on italicized words & then scroll) features a quote by Anonymous that shows how one woman courageously faced her history with black and white thinking. 

Let me know in comment section or by replying to this email what your relationship with black and white thinking has been and what you would like it to be. 

*From Companioning the Dying, January 30, 2015.

Image: Day after 10" snowstorm!

Rooted in Black & White - #145

It takes time to make an informed decision when you begin with the following knowledge: 

You will undoubtedly face more than two options. This tip is good for healthy decision making and for understanding poetry.

When you are steeped in black and white thinking, the hot water of uncertainty urges you to make quick decisions. This often makes for inappropriate decisions based on shallow thinking.

I don't remember when or why or how the above image made its way to my Picasa album. I think it has been in there simmering, waiting for me to become aware: 

Aware that my rushing may be related to my black and white thinking.

When I took another look at the image, it pleased me when I saw gray. Becoming comfortable with the ambiguity of gray is the way out of rigid thinking.

If you remove "undoubtedly" and "often" (words I added in the last edit) from the sentences above, you will see that these additions were necessary to make it possible for me to practice what I preach.

Do you do black or white, all or nothing thinking? Do you recognize it when you do? How do you guard against this fundamentalist tendency to judge right or wrong? Please share by replying to this email or clicking on the underlined exploring the mystery below.

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

Magic Indeed!

Imagine my surprise when post #131 (originally published October 3, 2014) popped up in my inbox two days ago! My apologies for the extra email - I have no idea how this occurred. Never a boring moment around Blogspot!

"If something is boring after two minutes, try it for four. If still boring, then try it for eight, sixteen, thirty-two and so on. Eventually one discovers that it's not boring at all."*

Take a look at the picture above** and see what you can see in thirty-two seconds. Do you see the moon?



*John Cage, Four Statements on the Dance, 1944, Cited in my exciting new book Ways of Looking by Ossian Ward.

**Portion of mural, lower level of the World Food Prize Building, Des Moines, IA.

More Roots For You MidWeek

"These Days

whatever you have to say, leave

the roots on, let them
dangle

And the dirt

Just to make clear
where they come from"*    

What do you think would happen if the next time you spoke, you left the roots on? I'm thinking leaving the roots on could mean, for me, letting my feelings be expressed instead of burying them to keep everyone happy.

Email me with your thoughts about exploring roots; throw in some dirt if you desire.  Nicky Mendenhall

*Charles Olson

Source: Collected Poems of Charles Olson--Excluding Maximus Poems (edited/translated by George Butterick)

December 12, 2014, Inward/Outward, Daily Words.