Strange Bedfellows: Willpower & Passivity - #73

Last week we investigated willpower and how focusing on why we want what we want can help us get what we want. 

What can get in the way of focusing on why we want what we want? 

Passivity. 

Passivity is an offense of omission.  Not focusing on why you want  what you want is passive. 

To have willpower is not passive.

But here's the thing - it's taking willpower to not knock down the icicles you see in the image above. But I feel passive because I'm not knocking them down. Willpower is passive?  

CLUE: Pull a book off your shelf and open at random. Use what you discover to create something. You can create a joke, a pun, a wise saying, or just enjoy reading or rereading a random sentence. I'd love to hear what you create! I pulled John Lee's book, The half-lived life, on overcoming passivity to create this post.

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall






 

When Do You Use Your Willpower? - # 72

Everybody is talking about willpower. With high hopes, I purchased a book that promised me the newest scientific research on the subject. After page 3,  boredom. I don't even know where the book is now.

I know where Scott Forrester's, The Aware Athlete, is! The last time I opened it, I found an intriguing way of thinking about willpower. 

Scott says we think willpower is forcing ourselves to do things. I express my agreement by gritting my teeth.

He writes: "The real use of willpower comes not through forcing ourselves but by eliminating the influence of competing thoughts through persistent, focused attention." That's a complex sentence but I can follow it if I slow down. So let's apply it to my situation.

"Eliminating the influence of competing thoughts."  If my goal is to  work on my memoir, what are the competing thoughts? 

A big one: Everybody is writing a memoir so why bother.  

This line of thinking may influence me to stop writing if I don't have concrete reasons like the ones below to place my attention on:  
#1. I want to show how valuable psychoanalysis can be, 
#2. I want others to know how the unconscious plays a role in life,
#3. Writing the memoir is my self analysis, 
#4. I want to know it is possible to complete the memoir.  

Keeping my focus on those reasons. Paying attention to those reasons will engage my willpower. At least it has so far! I'm working on Chapter 10!

What do you think about willpower? Is Scott's way of thinking too cerebral for you? Where in your life do you wish you had more willpower? Do you think knowing your goal and having clear reasons for it would work for you? Please let me know!

CLUE: For no reason in particular, eat popcorn. If you don't like popcorn, eat chocolate. If you want to pick something else to treat yourself to, go right ahead. I'd love to know what you decide!

Image: Please look closely at the Guardian's hat. It was too cold to get a better shot - but it was amazing!

An Epistolary Post For Your Edification! - #71

  

Nicola, Thanks so much for your continued interest in The Aware Athlete. Its encouraging to know that it has given people something to think about. I like the idea of mindlessly flipping through a magazine as that idea plays out in many ways. I recently let my mind lead me into an integration of ideas while I slept. I think this kind of "mindlessness" is actually allowing the brain freedom a freedom to explore and integrate.  

Scott Forrester

⇰
Scott - you are most welcome - thank you for a great book!

Could you tell us more about how to let our minds lead us into integration while sleeping? I would really like to know!

Thanks in advance for any input you can provide.

Warmly,

Nicky

⇨

Nicola, that is a great question! We know the saying that we should "sleep on it".  It think we have all benefited from insights of all kinds after a nights sleep. But sometimes I think things come together in a special way during or after sleep if we have really been immersed in the details of a particular thing and another factor is a deadline or a matter of personal urgency or importance that provides a point of focus before sleep. What do you think?

⇰

Scott - Last night as I crawled into bed wondering how to begin Chapter 7 of my memoir, I thought of you and your challenge to me of what do I think? So I decided to ask for some ideas to appear as I slept. I woke up at 3 AM and wrote several notes on index cards which I had strategically placed on bedside table. I haven't looked at them yet so I can't report how helpful they will be but when I wrote them down, they seemed creative, original, innovative, insightful, and perceptive. I'll let you know!

Dear Readers! 

I hope you enjoyed hearing directly from Scott and learning a new word or two. I did! I had to use Google to remember the name for books containing letters. If you already knew both of the E words in the title, consider yourself a winner! 

As far as the notes I captured at 3 AM, I could barely decipher some of them because of their preschool scrawl aesthetic. Overall, I was pleased that several of the ideas proved helpful though waking up did interrupt my precious sleep. Let me know if you try using your sleep this way.

CLUE: Enjoy being safe in your warm  home and know the meat locker effect won't last forever. On that note, I want to welcome new readers from Australia and New Zealand! I hear from them that they are experiencing the opposite extreme weather as we are in the United States. It's difficult for me, when we are below zero and the wind is howling, to remember that it is also uncomfortable to be too hot but you help us. So in the spirit of helping,choose ONE thing you can do for someone you love that will help them cope with life's challenges. 

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

An Image To Change Your Brain - #70

It's not news, at least if you are awake in the twenty-first century: Our brain has plasticity. I am old enough to remember when scientists believed that once you were an adult, you were stuck with the brain you had. Even if you were lucky enough to have a good brain, there was not much to look forward to as you got older except for watching it deteriorate. 

Scott Forrester definitely is awake and in the twenty-first century. Every time I open his book The Aware Athlete, I find something to support my growth. While it is one thing to know that scientists have changed their minds about our brains, it is another to actually feel the possibilities this opens for us.

In Chapter 9, Scott shares the story of how Mark Allen finally claimed six Ironman world titles after losing six. The story is too detailed to describe here but I wanted to share the part that impressed me, as it really did impress me. I keep thinking of it.

Here's what happened: When Mark began to focus on gratitude and not on negative thinking, he had a vision of a shaman. The expression he saw on the shaman's face was not of busyness, uncertainty, and stress as we often see on faces in the modern world. 

The face he saw radiated great peace yet great strength. The interesting thing is that it was no one Mark had ever met, it was merely an image he had seen while mindlessly flipping through a magazine.   

It may be because I've just been to a retreat with shamans that this had such an affect on me. I don't know. But it has me thinking about so many things. Like how important it is where we put our attention. And how much we influence others  - even by our facial expressions. 

Do you think you can change your brain? My brain is tired because I've been working all week on a chapter for my memoir so I will sign off for now. As always, I would love to hear from you!

CLUE: Flip through a magazine or book of your choice and see what images capture your attention. This doesn't have to take very long. Have fun with it. You are exercising your brain and may possibly find an image to inspire you.

Thank you for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

Image: The Guardian is barely peeking out of her snow palace.

Self Awareness Is Not Always Positive - #69

This week I've attempted to be aware of my discombobulated  psyche! My sometimes-helpful and sometimes-not-so-helpful habit has been to rise above weather conditions and act like I am not in any way affected. 

It's 8 degrees below zero: I get to wear my down pants! 

Our Pepper game got cancelled: I can be like a bear and hibernate!  

Suddenly I ask myself - am I becoming one of those annoying people who are happy all the time?

This week I decided that I am, in fact, bothered by the weather. When I wasn't admitting to being bothered, while I was in fact bothered, the uneasy bothersome feelings morphed into anxiety. I wasn't above it all. I was anxious and off kilter about the weather and its effects. 

When we had to cancel another social outing because of the weather, my friend Ann said: "The weather is just like a big hand pushing down on all of us."  Because of the work I've done this week, I was able to agree with her 100%. This is hard! I didn't try to tell her that whatever was happening was probably for the best.

Knowing myself and my tendency towards all or nothing thinking, I will have to watch that I don't totally switch my focus and only look at the negative effects of the weather. 

Do you give all of your feelings equal attention? Which feelings do you hide from yourself and from others? Do you recognize what your feelings are trying to tell you? I'm learning that if I stay with a feeling, it changes. Is that true for you? I'd love to hear how you manage the emotional part of your life. And if you would rather I not publish it for the world to see, just let me know and I will savor your offering in private.

CLUE: This week, especially if you are experiencing winter, find three feelings you like to experience and three feelings that make you uncomfortable.  They don't have to be about winter but they could be. Tell someone you know to make their own list and then share. Your feelings will thank you for getting them out.

Thank you for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

The image records the first time the Guardian was totally immersed in snow. I shared an almost similar image on Instagram so if you feel you've seen it before, you are right!

Stepping Out In Belief - #68

I believe if I moved away from IA because of my fear of winter I would be a wuss. Now I'm not saying this is true for everyone but I believe it is true for me.  

I want to get over my fear of ice which is really what I fear about winter. Today I donned my late father's put-over-my-boots-ice-cleats and headed for the certain-to-be-icy analyst's parking lot. 

It wasn't that icy.

But I believe I could have made it to the door if it had been. And according to Scott Forrester in The Aware Athlete, belief and practice are essential for overcoming fear.

Not just any old practice, but practice that is characterized as immersion, which translates, in my case, as going outside on the ice.

I'll plan to do this as soon as I stop coughing and blowing. Promise.
What do you want to practice?

CLUE: My definition of practice is being willing to do something that you don't know how to do (this can be either physical or mental or psychological) and being willing to look or feel foolish as you are practicing it. In my case, practicing on the ice will feel physically, mentally, and psychologically risky as well as inane. Think to yourself which of these areas are the most difficult for you to make change in. What is one small step you believe will help you? For example if you say physical change is most difficult, resolve to do a stretch that you avoid. If you choose mental change, see if you can do the crossword puzzle on Monday. If psychological risk is your choice and it's difficult for you to feel your feelings, pick one you usually avoid, write it down in a secret place, and then watch for it. I'd love to have company practicing so let me know what you decide. Either go to comment section or hit reply to this email.

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

Do You Need A Belief Booster? - #67

The final stage of my seasonal cold is gifting me with exuberant sneezes and prolific nasal discharge. If only the booster in the women's restroom (that I discovered while visiting a New Zealand retreat center) was available! What is the meaning of a Buddha above a Booster?  I choose to believe that this juxtaposition has healing properties and hope the virtual is as potent as the real. I am ready to feel better!

In the meantime to encourage our discussion of how we choose beliefs, our guest author, Scott Forrester, The Aware Athlete, was kind enough to send a few words that I think are fascinating, regardless of what our belief is about walking on water:

"A lack of belief may be actually the belief that life just happens to us. While that may be partly true I think active belief is more creative, more of a sharing with the process of life. So belief and creating the life we want are very active processes or choices, even moment by moment  choices.

I am reminded to the story of Jesus walking on water and Peter getting out of the boat and coming toward him. Then a storm arose and Peter's attention was drawn away and toward the danger and the chaos around him and he began to sink. 

So indeed belief as a moment by moment thing is the ability to still the mind, to get out of the way of what hinders that which is really possible, to stay on cusp of the wave. This is viewing each day as an opportunity for growth."

I've never thought of belief as a moment by moment thing - have you? I'm going to go ponder the ideas Scott offers.

CLUE: Can you do one thing today that feels like growth? I'm going to rest instead of pushing myself to keep writing today - that will be growth of my ability to take care of myself. Let me know what growth steps you take.

Do You Believe Belief Is A Choice? - #66

With assistance from Scott Forrester via Aware Athlete, we have established that imagination, like a muscle, needs training. Here's  another idea of Scott's for us to ponder:

Belief is a choice.

When first encountering the word belief in Scott's book, I remembered my Christian upbringing. Taught to believe in God, Jesus, and the Holy Ghost even though we couldn't see them didn't feel like a choice.

Scott cites a research study by Carol Dweck who  discovered, through her research, two distinct mindsets: fixed and growth. People in the fixed mindset believe they are stuck with what they have; people with a growth mindset believe nothing about us is static.

The image above shows part of my meditation altar. What you see  are statues and photos related to Buddhism. My Buddhist teachers tell me that when we gaze upon images or bow to them, we are not being asked to believe anything. We are being asked to honor our own essence and basic goodness.

These Buddhist teachers go on to advise me not to believe what they say, but experiment with their words and teachings to see if they work.

In this way of thinking, belief is the framework on which hang all our thoughts, feelings, and actions. We choose what to think, feel, and do. This seems like a growth mindset. 

I really resonate with the idea that we have a choice about what we believe. Scott writes that Henry Ford is credited with saying if you believe you can do something or if you believe you can't, you are correct.

I'm curious what you believe about your ability to choose your beliefs. Do you feel you have a choice?

CLUE: This being the first post of 2019, I would like to thank you for continuing to read and comment! Your support keeps me writing and at this stage of my life, that is what I believe I want to do so thanks for making it possible. Your job for this week is to find someone in your life to thank for making your life meaningful. Then let me know by going to comment section (I think it's working) or simply hit reply to this email and tell me who you thanked or what you believe about imagination.

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

 

Using My Imagination - #65

At New Zealand's Wangapeka retreat center there were many cups to choose from. I imagined the choice was a one time event and that I would be expected to use this cup exclusively for the duration of my stay. With that assumption in mind, it took me a long time to decide which cup would be the best one for me. In retrospect, one reason the Focus cup clung to my fingers was that I imagined it  would help me pay attention to my intention to discover the shamanic world view.  

While most people grabbed a different cup for each meal, I jealously guarded my Focus. On a day filled with insecurity about the upcoming quest, I hid Focus on a messy kitchen shelf behind the handwritten signs signifying gluten free food.   

In my imagination, the cup was helping me. When I returned home and opened The Aware Athlete book we've been discussing, I appreciated, in a new way, this sentence:

"Our imagination is the most powerful most basic, gentle, creative, and universal entry point into the process of true fitness."

I could have cheered! This imagination stuff is fun as well as helpful in becoming fit! I was so glad that I had the imagination to capture the still life you see above.  

As we come to the close of 2018, I leave you with these questions:

Is imagination a skill or is it more like a muscle you can develop?

I would love to know how you think about and use your imagination. Please reply to this email as the comments section isn't working all of a sudden. When you make a comment in the email, I will cut and paste it into the comment section.

CLUE: This morning I have been challenged to list the ten best things that happened in 2018 and I invite you to do the same. My inspiration comes from WomanPause Newsletter by Diane Gottlieb.

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

Asking for Help - #64

Miyazu Garden is the home of the glorious tree you see above. The many trunks are symbolic of my multi-faceted  journey to New Zealand. While my suitcase was unpacked shortly after I returned home, my experiences still need time to penetrate my routine consciousness.

Scott Forrester, author of The Aware Athlete, might be surprised to know that I copied a paragraph from his message into my travel journal; a message I received before plunking my body on an airplane seat for 15 hours and 20 minutes flying time.  

Throughout the journey, I pondered this one particular sentence:

"Imagination plus action equals dreams realized."

During the Shamanic retreat, led by John Broomfield (pictured below with my son Matt), these words became true despite my undeveloped relationship with imagination.  

Lying down, with eye shades to block out light, listening to a steady drum beat, inwardly asking to be introduced to my power animal, internal barriers were removed.  

Much to my delight on this inward journey, I met a bear. This bear was sturdy and strong, qualities I want help developing.

A persistent message of the workshop was that help is always available, we just have to remember to ask. 

I'm trying to remember!

My best to all of you for a peaceful and happy holiday season. 

Do you ask for help from others you can see or spirit helpers? Do you, like me many times, forget to ask? Let me know how you think about needing assistance and where you go when you need it. Aging, which we are all doing, like it or not, gives us many opportunities to solicit help.

CLUE: When you ask another, whether they be visible or invisible for aid, can you remember how good it feels when someone needs your help and then pat yourself on the back for asking?

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

How Do You Relate To Your Imagination? - #63

I was tickled to receive a second message from Scott Forrester,  author of The Aware Athlete. He seemed pleased that we are exploring the multiple ways to be in relationship with the environment. Because of my decades long focus on posture, I appreciated this sentence in his message: "We interact with the world around us through our carriage and movement in the field of gravity."

As we move to exploring the next chapter, please keep in mind Scott's thesis: Fitness is the ability to survive in whatever environment you find yourself.

Here's an insight from Chapter 2: "Our imagination is the most powerful, most basic, gentle, creative, and universal entry point into the process of fitness." 

I've got to tell you that I didn't expect that! The idea that you can use your imagination to start, shape, and nurture true fitness was a surprise.

My mother did not read fables or fairy tales to me. She chose stories that gave preference to what we could see. But, as I searched my memory about the role of imagination in my life, I suddenly remembered Mom describing my two imaginary playmates, Chi-chi and Moo-kah. She reported that she set the table for them!  

It feels as if I received mixed messages. I have been puzzled about the role of imagination in my life. I must have been in touch as a small girl, but what happened?  To discover that Scott suggests imagination as a gateway to fitness is intriguing. I can't wait to read more.

Tell me what your relationship is with imagination! How did your parents deal with imagination? How do you understand fitness enhanced by imagination? Do you use your imagination? Do you feel comfortable with it?  

CLUE: Pay attention to what you think or feel when someone uses their imagination to create something unique. Better yet, create something unique with your imagination! Then tell me about it or send us an image!  

The next post will be on December 21. I am off to test my fitness  in New Zealand, a totally new environment for me. I will be attending a shamanic retreat in the southern Alps led by John Broomfield, the husband of my dear friend Jo, who left us in 2014.  I am excited that I will be accompanied by Dr. Matthew Mendenhall who you see in the image below. Ryan, my tallest grandson also in image, will not be with us though he says he will cheer us on. I hope you will join him and send us good energy for this adventure!

I will be in email contact until late afternoon, Monday, December 3, then will be off the net until December 14th.

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

Do You Notice Your Environment? - #62

The ambiance, or to underscore the point of this post,  the environment of my inbox was enriched by a message from Scott Forrester, author of The Aware Athlete. 

Scott wrote that his entire book answers the question I posed last week: What is the difference between exercise and fitness?  

He then offered a definition: Fitness is when an organism is able to adapt to circumstances the environment presents. 

This reminded me how the instructors in the active adults exercise classes we attend, target exercises that mimic the physical demands we face in our everyday environment. One instructor labels these  functional exercises: Pulling across the body to mimic putting on seat belts. Bending down to rescue a dropped sock. Reaching for a vase on the top shelf.

When I'm not exercising, I am working on a memoir describing my experience as a patient in Freudian psychoanalysis. I discovered, while researching the history of analysis, that Freud believed what  psychoanalytic treatment offered was a healthy environment.   He believed that if a patient developed a dynamic relationship with an analyst, this would provide the type of healthy interactions they had missed. In other words, analysis wasn't a set of exotic maneuvers but merely supplied the appropriate environment.

The idea that fitness is related to the environment is an important point in the book. I was intrigued by an idea in Chapter 1 that suggested posture originates, and is conditioned by, our interaction with the environment. When others slouch, we slouch. 

CLUE: Pay attention to how the environment affects your day to day feelings. Which part of your environment is the most influential for you? Sun? Clouds? Cold? Heat? Light? Darkness? Stillness? Order? Mess? Let me know - I'm curious. I'm feeling affected by the sudden cold here in Iowa.

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall


The image was received before the Guardian received her necklace.

Do you read newspapers or books? - #61

The daily newspaper becomes thinner every day. The quality of articles seems to be following suit. Today the breaking news on the Today section was: New exercise guidelines: Move more, Sit less.  Who doesn't know that? Rolling my eyes in disgust, I turned to the comics.

My extreme reaction to this article may be because, unconsciously of course, I'm worried that you will have a similar reaction to my next series of blog posts I'm thinking of basing on The Aware Athlete by Scott Forrester. I heard Scott interviewed several months ago and was so impressed I had to purchase his book. 

At this point that is all I have accomplished. But I want to remember why I got this far by actually opening the book and I decided that I would more likely follow through on reading it, since it isn't devoted to writing or psychoanalysis, the books I'm glued to these days, if I read parts for each week's post and then wrote a post because any help I can get to stay healthy, and I assume it's the same for you, is worth it.

So far I haven't made it past the Forward by Alimine Barton, a Certified Fitness Trainer who must also be a good writer because while I usually skip Forwards when they are not by the author, I read this in its entirety. 

One question I was left with, and the question I want to pass on to you, is this: How is fitness different from exercise?

Ms Barton answers in this way: Exercise maintains an organism. Fitness increases the potential of an organism, whether it be animal or human. She said that Forrester's book, the one I purchased and haven't read yet, answers this question and hopefully, I think, will explain her answer. 

In the meantime, I'm going to read more and see if I can figure it out. What is fitness? And I've emailed the author so I'm publishing this early just in case he goes to the website. If you have any ideas about how fitness is different from exercise or what it is, please let me know by replying to this email (it works!) or go to comment section on the exploring the mystery blog.

CLUE: When you stand up from reading this or the next time you think of it, take a deep breath and feel it all over your body. Now the  former MD in the house will say that isn't possible, that breath doesn't go all over your body, but try it anyway. 

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

Do You Figure Things Out? - #60

You can learn all sorts of things if you listen to yourself. This can take the form of paying attention to what your thoughts are or what your body is trying to tell you.  I've found that working with a psychoanalyst helps me get past old habit patterns that insist there are no acceptable ways of being other than the ones I hold dear.


During our weekly sessions, I have discovered that my usual pattern for dealing with life is to try and figure things out in my mind. In the not too distant past, I felt proud that I had the ability to figure out what to do. I always considered this a positive trait. 

Come to find out - there is a problem with this "trying to figure out life in my mind" strategy.  The figuring out strategy is often related to determining who/what is right and who/what is wrong, With this type of question in my mind, I can go back and forth between two options seemingly forever. 

The better strategy that is suggested subtly by the analyst (that I am trying to learn) is, instead of figuring out with my mind, allow myself to experience what is going on. Let it unfold and see where it leads.  See how it feels in my body. Pay attention to all the options.

My friend Lisa teaches me how to do this. When we plan a lunch date, my preference is always to figure out where we are going to meet and at what time even though the meeting is weeks in advance. Lisa likes to wait and see what we feel like eating that day and what time works best and what our bodies want and need in that moment.

Letting go of my need to control things, which occurs to me is another way of saying figuring it out, makes my life a lot easier. 

I'm trying to think of another example of how I try and figure out things, but I can't seem to discern it now so will ask you. Do you try and control things by figuring them out? Do you have examples of when not figuring out makes things easier?

CLUE: Pick one day and pay attention to when you get hungry. Do you listen to what your body wants or do you go with what someone else wants? Let your body be in control - it's only for one day - of when and what you eat. See if this makes any difference in how you feel when you go to sleep that night. Let me know!

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

Final Entry from Leaving A Trace - #59

The last idea we will explore from Leaving a Trace*, is the idea that vital to the process of writing memoir is the decision of what to leave out. Since I'm writing a memoir this caught my attention.

It occurred to me this also may be good advice for the rest of my life. What would enhance the quality of my life if it was not there?

Currently I'm trying to let go of clothes that no longer fit because I've gained weight. Even when they are way too tight when I try them on, I want to save them. I forget that someone else may need them.

In 2016 and 2017, I couldn't gain weight no matter how much I ate. Then I had the procedure (AKA operation) suggested for NPH (Normal Pressure Hydrocephalus). After a few months, I started to gain weight. It felt so good to feel healthy again that I kept eating. Now I would like to lose ten or more pounds but only if I can do it and stay healthy. 

Besides clothes that are too tight, I'm trying to let go of the idea that I can eat anything I want. It is a surprisingly difficult attitude to shake. The omnipotent feeling of eating everything I wanted and not suffering any consequences is hard to relinquish. It was like saying, "Look at me - I can eat anything I want and not gain weight. I'm special." Of course I didn't think that consciously but unconsciously that attitude must have been there otherwise this wouldn't be such a struggle.

Letting go of eating anything I want every time I feel like it is sort of difficult. I've started to treat myself to a cup of hot tea when the urge comes to eat. Most of the time it helps.

It is much easier to toss a blouse into the Goodwill bag than it is to convince myself that I might be eating out of habit and not hunger; only eat one Almond Bite instead of fifteen. I try to switch my attention to the question of what are the necessary details I need to include in memoir describing my experience in psychoanalysis? If there are things you would like to know about my time in psychoanalysis, let me know. If you've always been curious about what goes on in an analytical session and wanted to ask questions, here's your chance! I probably won't answer your question here but it might be included in the book!

What do you need to let go of? What is the most difficult for you to shed - material things or attitudes? I'd love to know.

CLUE: Think of the last time you let go of something. Did you give it away or just throw it out? How did you decide to take this action? Then remember the feelings you had after you let go. If they were good feelings, congratulate yourself for a wise move. If you wish you had whatever you took leave of, devise a plan to either get it back or replace it. Then let me know.

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

*Leaving a Trace by Alexandra Johnson (2001)

The image of beautiful fall leaves is completely unfiltered and was received during a walk on Sunday, October 28, 2018. I love it so much that I shared it on Instagram.

Nostalgia and Living Life Twice - #58

Leaving a Trace, the used book I purchased searching for ideas on how to manage censors, arrived from Amazon covered with old price stickers and black marks on the cover.  But the inside was clean and full of good ideas.

Today I will share the epigraph for Chapter IX by Patricia Hampl as it describes perfectly what I am experiencing while working on my memoir:

"To write about one's life is to live it twice, and the second living is both spiritual and historical, for a memoir reaches deep within the personality as it seeks its narrative form." 

Reading authors like Hampl inflames my desire to write words that engender deep feelings. I have one of Hampl's books with a moving subtitle of, "Sojourns in the Land of Memory."  

The subtitle was undoubtedly part of the reason I selected the picture above. The image is of my Father's house which was his Father's house. It no longer exists on the physical plane which is hard for me to believe; so much that was important in my life occurred within those now nonexistent walls.  

Autumn is such a rich season, full of letting go and preparation for going into the cave of winter. I feel sad that summer is gone while at the same time, grateful for the privilege of having memories.  

How do you manage the days becoming shorter? What, if anything, do you look forward to in the coming days? What do you remember fondly? What do you remember that brings unease? Has writing ever felt like living life twice? I'd love to know what you are thinking. Please email or go to comments section.

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

If you miss the Clue section - let me know.

How Important Are Details In Your Life? - #58

"Life is in the details" 

The quote under the above image is from Leaving a Trace, a book I have been mining for ways to manage censors. The book's main purpose is to help readers transform their life experiences into stories. I thought perhaps the quote would qualify as a homily - an advice giving lesson - but perhaps the phrase is more of a platitude. 

If,  "life is in the details," I find myself at a disadvantage. My big brown eyes viewed the distant world as blurred, not revealing any details. This myopic way of seeing meant trees were mysterious beautiful green globs. The detail of leaves didn't become apparent until prescription lenses in third grade. 

Now cataracts throw a sparkle to what I see, especially when walking the sidewalk in sunshine. While under the spell of sparkles, I don't look for details. I'm again captivated by the mysterious.  

Virginia Woolf described details in journals as "shivering fragments." Do you suppose she had cataracts?

Exploring old journals, looking for shivering fragments of  psychoanalytic wisdom to become part of my memoir is time consuming. When I find entries lacking details, I vow to be more aware and mindful when I journal each day. I don't always remember.

I've read that Freud (1909) made it a point to look for a high degree of particularity in whatever he was observing.  Psychoanalytic treatment focuses on details; details that can seem foolish and not worth attention; details that eventually become keys to understanding the past in the present.

Do you agree that life is in the details? Why? What details do you pay attention to? What details do you miss? Please give me the details!

CLUE: Set an intention to pay attention to ONE detail this week. Make it a detail that will make you happy to pay attention to! Our household is good at taking care of inventory - household items that we need. Paying attention and writing an item on the list when it is almost gone is a detail that makes our life easier.

Thank you for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall 
  

Who Do You Find In Your Journal? - #57

Continuing to riffle through, Leaving a Trace, book purchased to discover more ways to manage censors, I've discovered several ideas that were helpful to me especially since I've been reading my old journals.

The book's author, Alexandra Johnson, says that when she began to read her old journals, she feared setting herself up for the double misery of finding no wisdom and seeing how awful the original writing was. Yet when reading, she felt a quiet shiver of surprise:

They weren't so bad!

She says she felt a strange fondness for "this someone else."  The someone else was her former self.  She realized that she wasn't the same person who had written the words she was rereading.

It has been emotionally wrenching and many times mystifying (what did I mean by that?) thumbing through my old journals in search of scenes from analytical sessions. Remnants that show how treatment was transformative. (If you are a writer you realize I am following the advice to show, not tell.)

It is true, I was someone else when writing in my 2009 journal. Not to mention 2010. Or any of the years up until 2018. This makes sense, especially since I am writing about the changes I've made through the psychoanalytic process.  

Have you ever read something you wrote in the past? Did it sound like you? What were you doing in 2009? Do you know how you have changed? How would you describe these changes? Please share with me how you deal with your former self. Do you have more than one?

CLUE for unraveling the mystery of the week: Ask someone you know and love (if you dare), how they see you as different from how you were in 2009. You may be surprised. If they say they don't see much change, congratulate yourself - you are the same wonderful person you have always been - or they wouldn't still be around! If they say you have changed for the better, congratulate yourself - change is difficult. If you are lucky enough to be gifted with a negative answer, congratulate yourself for knowing such an honest person and decide for yourself if there is truth in the reply and if there is, what steps you want to take in the future.

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall 


Image - We haven't seen the guardian for awhile. Here she is with a raindrop clinging to the bottom of her new crystal - you have to look closely to see it!

Censoring the Censor - #56

Leaving a Trace: What a great title for an interesting book I  explored for ideas about censors. I was not disappointed in my search for censor managing tips, there were pages of ideas for dealing with the "fat tick" censor we heard about last week. 

Sometimes identifying censors, those inner voices that interfere with our happiness or block creativity, can be difficult. The tick may even call upon a former English teacher's advice to stop you from writing: "I" (no, not I, never use I),..."Well" (Don't use that either! Too casual, I have to impress with big words).  

I can be stumped by rules from the past - whether they be rules of grammar or rules of etiquette. At times I feel that other people know what is proper and I, metaphorically speaking, missed that class.

These days I often Google to clarify the rules I need to know. The answers are not usually as clear cut as I would like, but the lack of clarity helps me not take the censors so seriously.

Do you try and follow rules? Do you always know what the rules are? What do you do if you think there may be a rule but you don't know it? Please reply to this email or go to comments section. It is always so helpful to hear from you!

CLUE: Give yourself permission to rest, especially if you have a rainy afternoon. Put one pillow under your head and shoulders and another under your knees. Rest for five minutes. This position is good for relaxing your body. I'm investigating the Esther Gokhale method. If you want more information on Stretchlying on your back, visit her website: https://gokhalemethod.com/

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

Image - couldn't resist this photo from my files after hearing today that there will be rain all weekend and into next week.



 

Managing the Censor - #55

Journals from the past are currently spread out on the daybed for easy access. I'm mining each for notes taken after sessions with my analyst. My hope is to discover gemstones that will enrich my memoir describing my experience with her in psychoanalysis.

It has been an experience all its own reading words from the past. My essence permeates all the journals, of course, but some entries puzzle me: Did I really know that so long ago? Why didn't I know that I knew and trust it?

These days I'm busy working on developing a new chapter for the memoir. Instead of writing a full post for today, here's a quote I found in a May, 2001, journal:

"The censor, fat as a tick with pride, hates not being taken seriously."

My brain held no memory of this gem from Leaving a Trace, the book that my scribbling said was where it originated. I just ordered a used copy.

Since meeting the censor frequently occurs when writing, I am eager to read ways to manage encounters with it. The unsolicited advice it gives is often to avoid anything creative or unique. It tends to utter phrases such as, "You can't say that!" or, "What will people think?"

When the book arrives, I hope to be able to pass on any new tactics for dealing with censors.

Are there things in your life that you want to do but a "Censor" says no?  Do you know what activates your censor? What messages do you receive from your censor? Please let me know by going to comment section or replying to this email.

CLUE to exploring mysteries: As you prepare for a new season by organizing your closet, be sure to pass on anything you haven't worn or don't like to wear. Someone else needs it and the feeling of generosity will give you a lift. A wise friend reminded me of this recently.

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

The Value of Knowing Who You Are - #54

Is spending time and energy writing about what happened to me    in psychoanalysis narcissistic? I wonder. Perhaps this sometimes issue of mine will help us explore a deeper question: 

Are there benefits to knowing who you are?  

Anne Lamott, an author I admire, believes the only way we can see others compassionately, is to see ourselves compassionately. She writes that while this might sound easy, it is difficult to do.

When I began analytical treatment, the focus was on what I didn't like about myself. On my list of complaints were all the things I thought were wrong with me. If you are thinking that this doesn't sound very compassionate, you are correct. I didn't feel compassion for myself. 

The paradoxical thing is the more I became aware of what my long term patterns were, and then discovered how difficult it was to change my behavior and ways of thinking, the more compassion I could feel for others.  

It's a funny thing, but the more I knew and accepted my shortcomings and began to look at myself with kindness, the easier it was to give others the benefit of the doubt. We were all in this together.

Perhaps my question about narcissism is part of my old pattern of thinking something is wrong with me. I will let this pattern go. I'm excited about writing this memoir. My hope is that my experiences will in someway be useful to others.

CLUE: Do one nice thing for yourself this week. It can be as little as reminding yourself of all the positive things you do or as big as buying yourself chocolate and flowers. Do these acts with compassion for yourself and let me know what happens. Try the new feature - hit reply to this email. It should be a direct email to me! I'd love to hear from you!

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall