Mid Week Dilemma

This week I was walking the nature trail along North Walnut Creek when I received this picture. I was impressed with how tenaciously the roots were grasping the creek bank; I sensed the strong life force of the tree.

There are two large ash trees in my backyard. One of the trees is outside the window where I meditate.The other ash tree is outside my screened cedar room where I often go to read or write. These trees have kept me company and comforted me since I moved here over five years ago. I love their presence.

At 3:00 P.M. today I learned the town home association, in charge of the grounds, has been informed that the emerald ash borer is coming to Iowa. A tree specialist is recommending as a preventative measure: cut down trees.  

I am sick at heart.  What would you do? 

I am trying to remember that everything is impermanent. Perhaps the mystery to explore is how to recognize when to let go. But does it make sense to cut down trees to protect trees? Have you ever faced such a decision? Do you have any suggestions?

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

This Post Will Not Disappoint - # 111

*

In Posts #107 to Post #110 (plus four midweek bonus posts), we explored the mystery of disappointment. 

I would classify posts on disappointment as serious. I readily admit to taking things seriously; hopefully you haven't felt a "heaviness of spirit" in my inquiry or in yourself as you contemplated the role of disappointment in your life.**

We discern what needs to be taken seriously when we pay attention. Paying attention to disappointment yields benefits because it helps us understand more of what we experience.

Jeffrey B. Rubin*** believes that one of Freud's towering insights was that people grow ill---and suffer from---experiences they don't understand.

Paying attention to feelings of disappointment enables us to spend time with our experiences. The "understood experience" leads to an appropriate response (anger, grief, regret) - and to knowledge that will guide us in the future.

Have you been paying attention to disappointment the last few weeks? I have. Paying attention has helped me recognize disappointment isn't a disaster and doesn't mean I did something wrong.

Let me know what you've learned about disappointment. What is your most common disappointment and how you manage it?

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

*Picture taken in Bali last April while barreling through the streets in a tour bus. I was disappointed I couldn't have time with the massive masterpiece and grateful the out-the-window picture captured the strength and majesty evident driving by.

**Ideas integrated while reading May 3 poem in A Year With Rilke (2009). I would be happy to send you a copy of Rilke's poem if you request by email.

***Rubin's article found in Spring: A Journal of Archetype and Culture (2013).

Mid Week Dead Bug Disappointment

David Richo* writes that our fears are often, at base, fears of not having control. He presents a long list of annoyances and writes that underlying every one of them is the belief that we should be in control of everything at all times.

Here's a short selection:

We want to be different from the way we are.
We want others to be different.
We want someone to call back or visit.
We cannot get rid of the ants or roaches once and for all.
We cannot keep the weight off or the blood pressure down.
We have feelings, moods, and habits that we do not like.
We do not sleep as well as we want to.
We feel compelled to anticipate all possibilities.
Our parents, children, partners, or friends do not act as we want them to.

To me, the list could be used as a list for what causes disappointment!  

Are disappointment and control related? Let me know what you think!

Thanks for exploring the mystery of disappointment and control -
                                                  Nicky Mendenhall

*David Richo, The Five Things We Cannot Change (2005).

Can You Let Disappointment Lead You? - #110

I remember as a child being told to stop crying because there was nothing to cry about. Being disappointed wasn't acceptable.

As an adult, I visited my Mother in the hospital during her cancer treatment. It was an especially difficult day and she was crying at times, not her usual beautiful-bright-eyed self. Neighbors arrived to offer support. 

I remember feeling sad and disappointed when my Dad insisted Mom smile at her visitors.

Staying with my disappointment led to anger. The anger validated my growing inner knowing that as a child and young adult, I wasn't met on an emotional level. I was ridiculed for having feelings. 

After feeling and honoring my anger, the anger began to dissipate (this is what feelings do when attended to). Building a bridge of compassion for my Father's position was the next step.

Dad was disappointed his long-time companion was not her usual self. I wish he could have used his disappointment to connect with his sadness. This would have allowed him to be with her on an intimate emotional level.  

I can't help but think that Mom would have felt supported in a deeper way if we all had stayed with our sense of disappointment.  

Instead of ignoring disappointment, what would happen if we really paid attention when it was present? Perhaps we might discern which disappointments would lead us to feelings of anger or of grief that need attention. 

Disappointment: Can you let it be a bridge to your emotions? 

What do you think? Share your thoughts in the comments section or hit reply and email me your response.

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

Mid-Week Short Story on Disappointment

  Check out this short story from Lydia Davis:

 "We sit in the airplane so long, on the ground, waiting to take off, that one woman declares she will now write her novel, and another in a neighboring seat says she will be happy to edit it. Food is being sold in the aisle, and the passengers, either hungry from waiting or worried that they will not see food again for some time, are eagerly buying it, even food they would not normally eat. For instance, there are candy bars long enough to use as weapons. The steward who is selling the food says he was once attacked by a passenger, though not with a candy bar. Because the plane had been delayed so long, he said, the passenger threw a drink in his face, damaging one eyeball with a piece of ice."

I love the Urbandale Public Library. I requested the library order Lydia Davis's story collection, can't and won't, after reading Peter Orner's review in the New York Times Book Review. 

Orner described the author as the patron saint of befuddled reality.  

He said if you read enough of her stories, they start happening to you; her stories express the wild divergence of human experience. Disappointment figures in several of the stories.

Bonus: Here's one of my favorite stories from the collection:

"Under all this dirt
the floor is really very clean."

Let me know what you are discovering about disappointment. Is your floor disappointingly dirty?

Special Note: The picture was taken in Greece in honor of my oldest granddaughter Lydia.

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

Why You Might Welcome Disappointment - #109

My expectations have been that I would always be mobile. Two years ago, my left hip began hurting when walking more than ten minutes. This was very disappointing.

After a winter of R-Phase drills, Magic Ball contortions, M.E.L.T. routines, Tai Chi while heating clay pads in microwave, sessions with two massage therapists, sessions with one osteopath and sessions with one acupuncturist, I am able to walk for a half hour or more. 

What healed me?

There is an element of mystery in the healing process; however, making space for mystery in our world is challenging. 

When it comes to the body, no matter how much time or money we spend, we do not have control over the end result. We cannot solve the mystery of why some people heal and why others don't.  

It feels appropriate that I am writing about disappointment and mystery on Good Friday. The Biblical story makes it clear that the disciples' expectations were dashed.

The takeaway: For me the assurance that it is human to be disappointed. I used to think that being disappointed meant I had done something wrong.

Instead, now I see disappointment as a signal to pay attention to my body and to my feelings.  

Easter promises that we can always begin again. There is no promise that we will never be disappointed again.  

Mystery and disappointment, feeling and healing - what has been your experience?

Believe it or not, we have more to explore about disappointment. See you next week.

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

Mid Week Freaky Fact!

On April Fools' Day, I searched for the word disappointment in the index of a book I was reading. Disappointment wasn't there.

Grabbing another book from my collection, I again looked for the word disappointment in the index. Again disappointment wasn't there.

What overtook me then was a full blown obsession: an obsession to find the word disappointment in the index of one of my books.

Out of the hundreds of books I own - only ONE book's index contained the word disappointment.

And what a book it was - probably a best seller in its day - a book I wish I could say I have read and reread from cover to cover over the years:

Outpatient Psychiatry: Diagnosis and Treatment, editor Aaron Lazare, M.D. copyright 1979.  

Here is the disappointing sentence from page 57:

"Growing up consists in significant part in accepting disappointment in one's parents step by painful step." (Copied exactly from text!)

As you can see in the picture above, it took step by painful step for me to accept my parents weren't perfect.  

For years my fear was of disappointing my parents. My siblings and I agree that we did not want to disappoint our parents. As you are probably deducing, disappointment was a big deal in our family. Undoubtedly, that is behind this whole series on disappointment. I'm learning as I go.....

When did you become disappointed in your parents? Was it painful? Is disappointment a big deal in your life? When was the last time you were disappointed?

And by the way - look in the index of any book you own or have borrowed. Is the word disappointment there? I would love to know if you score a disappointment.

 Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

Can You Top This? - #108

Exploring the mystery is currently investigating the nature of disappointment. (Origin of inquiry: Sunday New York Times Travel Section, March 30, 2014).  

Describing the "grandeur and timeless culture of Rajasthan," reporter Russ Juskalian observed that viewing a fort, accessible by a narrow stone roadway that passed through a series of stone gates, "did not disappoint."  

Having been a tourist and pilgrim in India, I suspect that Juskalian would not have been disappointed viewing any apparition* (look it up), if it meant he could dismount from his camel. 

The "did not disappoint" phrase tickled my fancy. I wanted to write about it! It gave me a theme and an opportunity to use illustrative personal photos.  The resulting post, I fantasized, would be full of pithy* language (you didn't put away the dictionary did you?) 

Despite an exhaustive search, India pictures remained hidden. While searching I encountered the image above; it seemed the ultimate word on disappointment. Plus it contained enough cynicism to partner with last weeks quote (for those of you without images it says: Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway!).

There is more to explore about disappointment but not today. In the meantime, please go to the blog or reply to this email with your comments. Have you been disappointed since last week? What does disappointment feel like?

Thanks for understanding that exploring the mystery takes second place to the gorgeous spring day. If you are disappointed, use the disappointment to explore disappointment. Nicky Mendenhall

*When writing, words sometimes appear in my head and I don't know exactly where they came from or what they mean. Often the dictionary definition proves eerily accurate for my purposes.  Does this happen to you?

Midweek Pondering on Disappointment

"Hope is disappointment delayed."*

The quote under the picture was given to me as a gift this week. 

Do you think it means when the sky looks like the image and I am hoping to go on a picnic, hope will delay the disappointment? I'd like to hear other explanations as I'm not entirely satisfied with this one.

This drum was given to me this week!

During the introduction portion of a drumming circle on Sunday afternoon, I mentioned my desire for a drum. (I brought a gourd rattle for my instrument.) Can you imagine my surprise when the circle closed, a man carried his drum across the circle, placed it at my feet and said, "I would like to gift you with this drum."

Wanting a drum for years, a drum appeared. Scouring indexes of my books, I only found one entry for disappointment. Then the gift quote appeared.  

Perhaps the joy was so potent because I had no expectations for gifts.  

Is disappointment usually tied to expectations?

Let me know how you think disappointment is related to hope and to expectations. Or tell me your experience of disappointment.

Thanks for exploring the mystery of disappointment.

                                                               Nicky Mendenhall









*Thanks to D.S. for this quote. Unfortunately I don't remember the source.

Musing on Disappointment - #107

The emergence of this image on my easel engendered disappointment.

My disappointment was acute; painting an accurate likeness of beauty I observe every day has long been a desire.  

Disappointment has always been difficult for me. You could say that sometimes my fear of disappointment, or my fear of disappointing others, has been a barrier to living a full life.

I'm beginning to learn it is more difficult to experience disappointment when my focus is on the process, not the product. The time I spent painting was satisfying, despite the result. But whether that always holds true or not remains a question.

There are more things I want to explore about the mystery of disappointment: Prepare yourselves for a few weeks of disappointment! 

I would love to hear your thoughts about disappointment - I am tempted to say - don't disappoint me - but I don't want to put pressure on you. Here are the some questions to ponder:

   Have you ever decided not to be too hopeful because if something doesn't happen, the disappointment would be worse?

   Did you ever fear disappointing your parents or a boss? 

   Do you ever allow yourself to feel disappointed? 

   Is disappointment an emotion?

Go to blog and comment or send me an email. I will assume you are giving permission to publish unless you tell me otherwise.

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

Mid Week Resistance

One thing I resist is slowing down my thinking and reactions. This resistance is related to my perceived need to settle and decide things. I resist giving myself space.

I appreciated Laraine Herring's* thoughts on resistance:

"Resistance manifests as tension in the body. This is easy to see in yourself. Try to push against the outside wall of your house. You're pushing with force (resistance) against a structure that is pushing back with exactly the same amount of resistance. 

"You'll push all day and the next day and the next until you collapse. Neither of you is going anywhere. You can observe your muscles tightening, your belly constricting, your shoulders rising up to your ears as you push and push in a futile attempt to move your house with your hands.

"You can see this right away in your body. Resistance and tension in the body are contractions. They take up space. As you lose spaciousness within your body, you lose the ability to flow with what is occurring."

When you resist, do you note how your body responds? What do you think Herring means by contractions taking up space?

Don't resist sharing - go to blog comments section or hit reply to this email.

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

* The Writing Warrior (2010) Laraine Herring

Image received 3/39/2014 in the rough neighborhood I live in.

Going To Dentist With Expectations - #106

I hate going to the dentist. Especially since my dentist, Dr. Work, AKA a stand-up comedian, retired.  

March 26 was my six month ordeal (AKA check-up). Approaching the building where I used to be royally entertained, my expectations were not high. 

Crossing the threshold, I noted excitement and newness in the air. Dr. Clare (who bought out the practice) was grinning from ear to ear; the hygienists, receptionist, and even the bookkeeper looked like they were auditioning for Downton Abbey. 

When change is not my idea and appears unavoidable, gnashing my teeth occurs to me. Changes such as: A change in my schedule. A computer update. A new person serving me in place of a person that I have developed a relationship with. A new package design that makes locating a favorite product difficult. A new direction for rescuing voice messages.  A favorite product discontinued.

I usually find it a challenge to see the positive in change.

What was the excitement at the dentist office?  

Staff was learning how to operate new technology - there were new X-Ray machines and new computer programs and monitors and this was the first day after their training.  

Enthusiasm was obvious and infectious. I was impressed.

Challenging our brains to try new things - especially new technology - takes a fighting spirit.  

Responding to change with an open mind and heart is my intention.

What is your usual response when you hear from someone that there will be a change? Which changes bring excitement? Which bring gnashing of teeth? How do you deal with change that you are not in charge of? When is the last time you tried something new?

Please share in the comment section by going to the blog or reply by email.

Thank you for exploring the mystery of change - Nicky Mendenhall

Mid Week Nourishment

"We carry a terrible wound: alienation from our embodied life.
"Your flesh shall become a great poem."
                                                                                         Walt Whitman

This week be aware of your precious human body. Nourish your body by giving it fresh food and ample rest. Remember that you won't always have a body to care for.

What do you think Whitman means when he says your flesh will become a great poem? If you feel inspired, write a poem for the man in the picture above.

Share your thoughts and poems in the comment section or email them to me. Unless you tell me otherwise, I will assume that you give me permission to post on the blog.

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

What Are Your Expectations? - #105

I've noticed that being mindful - being in the moment - is easier when the sun shines.  

When a day is windy, cloudy, cold, I feel grouchy.  

Why? 

My expectations for weather have not been met. I wanted to be outside. I wanted to take a walk.

We prefer our expectations be met.

Giving up expectations is difficult. Mental health professionals would likely blame our egos.  

Paradoxically, letting go of my expectations (AKA disappointing my ego or not getting what I want) can set me free.

Finding myself trapped in the house, because walking wouldn't be pleasant, I realize there is now time to watch another episode of The Good Wife.  

How do you handle it when your expectations don't pan out? Do you rage? Cry? Pout? Swear to never have another expectation? Try to manipulate things so you can have it your way?

I've done all those things - please share what do you do in the comments section or email me and I will copy and paste it to the blog unless you request I abstain.

If you are wondering about the image, here's my line of reasoning: Your meeting was held on the twenty-fifth floor. Meeting over, your expectation is to hop on an elevator and descend to the Lobby. When you read the posted sign and begin to smell smoke, your expectation will be quickly dashed.  Giving up this expectation isn't difficult because holding on to this expectation has the possibility of killing you. Many of us act like our dashed expectations are life or death matters. This causes undue suffering.

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

Midweek Pleasures & Free Book

"We read in part to lose ourselves and thereby to find ourselves; from self-loss comes self-construction."

"There's a rhythm to museumgoing that requires silence and solitude."

"That is happiness; to be dissolved in something complete and great."

If you like the above quotes, found in Seven Pleasures, be the first email I receive and I will send you the book! Simple as that! Include your mailing address.

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

SLOW DOWN: Transitions Ahead - #104

Are transitions difficult for you?

This year the days following the change to Daylight Savings time haven't seemed as disrupted.

My secret?

Slowing down.  Deciding the week was not going to be as productive as usual, deciding to accept this, deciding not to fight it. 

Taking advantage of a 62 degree day with sun and minimal wind.   Walking slowly, camera in hand, ready to receive images. Remembering Christine Valters Paintner's suggestion to walk in a contemplative manner and look for the gift of what "shimmers".

On the sidewalk, a large sycamore leaf shimmered for me.  

I walked a few steps forward and heard a distinct swooshing noise. Did my leaf move? (Notice how quickly I became possessive.) 

I backed up to where I had received the leaf and here's what I saw:

I wondered where my gift had gone. 

Walking a a few steps to the east I found it - it had turned over and looked quite cozy in its new home:

I went back to my office basking in the mystery of this occurrence. This small incident made me feel contented and connected to Nature and myself.  The rest of the afternoon I was a bit drowsy but that was to be expected.  

When you are facing a transition, remember to slow down. Relax your expectations. Breathe deeply. Look for what shimmers for you.

Thanks for exploring this transition mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

*Eyes of the Heart (2013) Christine Valters Paintner

Midweek Bonus: What's Going To Happen Next?

When you allow that you don't know, you become very awake. 

You become like a hunter who doesn't know what's going to happen next. 

He's not making anything happen. 

He is just stillness in the midst of activity. 

He is an open space through which anything can move. 

He is no longer a noun. 

He becomes a verb. 

He's the act of standing. 

That kind of presence for our life is the perfect preparation for death.

It means being open to whatever happens, excluding nothing.

 –Stephen Levine

Companioning the Dying - Our Weekly Sharing - March 7

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

Pay Attention! - #103

Which caught and held your attention; made you think for the longest period of time - the two words in the subject heading or the words in the multi-colored image?

There is no right (or wrong) answer to this question. You and you alone decide where to place your attention.

Did you ever think of it that way - that your attention is a valuable resource and is entirely under your command?  

This post was partially inspired by words in Associate Justice of the Supreme Court Sonia Sotomayor's memoir, My Beloved World:

"What holds a jury's attention, essentially, is the quality of one's own attention."  

This week, pay attention to where you place your attention. Is it a place that will reap benefits for you?

Let me know where you place your attention. What do you learn by paying attention? What do you miss when you don't pay attention?

Thanks for exploring the mystery of attention - Nicky Mendenhall

It's Midweek: No U-Turns

Henri Nouwen was uncomfortable, somewhat embarrassed, and self-conscious. What circumstance would elicit these emotions in Nouwen - a Catholic priest known for compassion?  

A three hour plane ride sitting next to a man who confided he was en-route to his brother's funeral. Nouwen recalls even feeling some irritation; he felt he couldn't have a normal conversation with this man.

Years later, when flying home for his Mother's funeral, he remembers his former seat mate. He fears now he will be the one to embarrass and irritate the other passengers:  

"I realized that sorrow is an unwelcome companion and that anyone who willingly enters into the pain of a stranger is truly a remarkable person."*


To make it through grief in healthy ways, we have to stay with the feelings. In other words, no u-turns. But as we keep going forward, we observe our feelings are constantly changing. My feelings of grief and loss change every day.  

My subscribers and readers are truly remarkable persons. While I am not a stranger to most of you, by reading my posts and responding (either in person or by email), you entered my pain. Your responses were comfort during a difficult time. I truly appreciate your love and care.  

 Thanks for exploring the mystery of loss and grief with me -
                                                 Nicky Mendenhall

*In Memoriam (1980), Henri J.M. Nouwen.







  

THREE GIFTS -#102

Gift #1
Yes, the snow is a gift to me - a good snow storm and slick roads lend themselves to hours, if not days, sitting before the fire. Right now, I cherish the gift of solitude. Alone time provides space to stay with the grief for my friend Jo. When someone important to us dies, it takes time to let go of the things in us that will have to die.

Gift #2

The quote below arrived in my inbox this morning from #3 son. He found it underlined in my Bell Hooks book. Perhaps it explains my desire for fire:

"And its deepest sense, grief is a burning of the heart, an intense heat that gives us solace and release. When we deny the full expression of our grief , it lays like a weight on our hearts, causing emotional pain and physical ailments."



Gift #3

Later today a good friend sent me the following quote which I thought was very wise and I wanted to share:

"There is a difference between taking something too seriously and being passionate about something.  When you are too serious you repel others. When you are passionate, your joy and enthusiasm are contagious."  (Author: Kathy Keats)

What gifts did you receive today? I am very thankful - as I finish this post it is beginning to snow!

Thank you for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

Midweek: Time to Sharpen Our Focus

Sharing quotes is one of my favorite things. Here's one for you:

"Up until we have received a catastrophic diagnosis or lost someone we love, we might take life for granted. When we receive a diagnosis that we have just a little while to live, or when our closest friend dies, our focus may sharpen, at least for a while, and we begin to examine our lives and our fate."*

I certainly resonate with this perspective now. Extending my arm out the door this morning to receive the image above, (it was six degrees) was because I want to live every day to the fullest. The sun was sneaking up from the horizon calling to me.  

Let me know if this quote resonates with you. Do you remember times when your life seemed precious?

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

*Joan Halifax, Being with Dying: Cultivating Compassion and Fearlessness in the Presence of Death (2008)

Did You Know Grief Causes Fatigue? - #101

Fatigue is defined in the dictionary as extreme tiredness resulting from mental or physical exertion or illness.  

This definition doesn't name grief as a cause of fatigue.  I think tiredness and need for sleep are often omitted in lists of grief symptoms.

Grieving, letting go of what/who we have lost, requires surrender. Letting go takes practice and patience. It is not always obvious how much energy it takes to surrender.

As I write this, I am feeling a low level of fatigue. I've learned to expect this so I'm not fighting it. When my Mother died, I remember rushing home from work and falling asleep, waking up to eat, and then going back to bed. I was worried that something was physically wrong with me.

When grieving, plan on feeling this way. Fatigue comes and goes in waves that are difficult to understand or to explain to others.

The Prescription:

Naps. 
Rest. 
Ask for help with daily chores. 
Take Out Food.

My plan for today is to fill this prescription.  Marion Woodman* writes this in an elegant way that fits for us in the Northern Hemisphere:

To surrender is to accept

life as it is:

winter today, spring tomorrow;

cruelty with beauty;

aloneness after love.

 Thanks for exploring the mystery with me - Nicky Mendenhall

*Coming Home to Myself: Reflections for Nurturing a Woman's Body & Soul, page 117.

Commemorative Crow

This crow is a commemorative symbol of Jo.

Jo loved crows.  She fed them whenever she saw them. She fed them wherever she saw them. 

Picture a nice New Delhi hotel; all rooms feature a balcony. 

Picture Jo inviting a convention of crows to her balcony.

Picture Jo in all her glory generously feeding the crows bread crumbs and crackers (borrowed from the hotel restaurant).

Me?

Intimidated by the loud squawking, frightened by the unpredictable darting movements, and horrified by the mess, I am very uncomfortable. I fear she will get us all in trouble with the authorities. I'm unsure which authorities but surely someone will object to this type of convention at their hotel.

Enviously I watch her connection to the crows become apparent. I don't understand but I can see that she has some sort of a relationship with them.  

Over the years, Jo tries to teach me by example about communication with animals. I am a poor student but I appreciate her efforts. I envy her access to other species in such close proximity. My own connection with other species occurs at more of a distance.

Do you communicate with animals? How did you learn? What do you learn?

What do your friends teach you? Are you ever uncomfortable with things your friends do? How do you handle it?

 Please share your comments by clicking on exploring the mystery (it is underlined) at the bottom of this email. This will take you to the blog where you can write your comment or you can hit reply and email me. If you feel uncomfortable with me publishing your comment, please let me know.


Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

Exploring Bodily States of Consciousness - #100

The immediacy of loss catapulted me into a different state of consciousness. 

To describe this different state of consciousness, I do not have to use mystical or esoteric language. I only have to say that the majority of my bodily senses are wide open: the sun seems brighter, my essential oils smell more potent, and a hug feels life-sustaining. My sense of taste, on the other hand, has shut down and nothing tastes good; my sense of hearing doesn't want sound other than silence.

Add these senses all together and the outcome is an increased awareness of being in a body. And when I'm in my body, it is easier to pay attention to my breathing.

In Post #96, we looked at matching words with our inhalations and with our exhalations. I shared the words I chose and invited you to create your own set. I hope you have benefited from your words.

The last few days I have continued to use "Be Present" for my inhalation. Because of Jo's ability to be in the Now right to the end, my desire to be present is even more ferocious than before. 

 I've begun to vary my word for the exhalation. Lately "Trust" has surfaced as a word with meaning. Trust my feelings. Trust exploring the mystery. Trust the bond I shared with Jo continues albeit in a different form. Trust I will be able to die in a manner that won't burden others.

In this, Post #100, I invite you to discover new words for your exhalations and inhalations if you choose. 

Or each day, pick a sense that you want to pay attention to and see what effect it has on your enjoyment of life.

I so appreciate those of you who share your comments. You might want to go to the blog and see what other readers are saying.  Please let me know which sense helps you feel alive and aware.  

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

Midweek Memorial

The email I have been dreading and hoping for arrived.

  

Subject line:

Jo's passing.

Dreading the email because the finality of death would quash all hopes of waking up one morning to one of her satisfying psychologically sophisticated emails in my inbox.   

Hoping for the email because it would mean an end to her suffering.  

The message this morning was brief: Jo died on February 9, 2014.

She requested a natural burial which means that her body will not have any chemical treatment and will have to be buried two or three days after her death.

 Joan Halifax's words* comfort me today:

"The brokenheartedness that we call sorrow-- our kinship with the now-invisible other -- is really a lotus flower nourished by the cold and murky waters of grief."

"Grief can bloom into humility, faith, and tenderness when we hold it with patience and respect, and find a sane relationship to our sadness without being overwhelmed."*

Many thanks to all of you who reached out to me today to offer your sympathy and love. I feel very blessed.

The image above is a batik Jo gifted me with several years ago. It brings beauty to one of my office walls. She was an artist and writer. Her heart became bigger as dying approached.

Thanks for exploring the mystery of grief - Nicky Mendenhall

Let me know if you have thoughts about death, grief. or impermanence. We can help one another.

*Being with Dying: Cultivating Compassion and Fearlessness in the Presence of Death (2008) Joan Halifax

Exploring Grief - #99

  

Why are we exploring grief?

Because my friend Jo, suffering from liver cancer, has stopped eating and drinking.  

I'm grieving.

She is fearless about dying.

Her last few months have been spent in a retirement hospital in New Zealand. When I asked her what she was experiencing, she said her room is pleasant; it has a window with a pleasant view.  

She was in the moment. For years she has talked about and worked on being in the Now; now she is. She can still express loving feelings though she has virtually no mobility.  We giggled during our last two calls.

What has my exploration of grief discovered?  

Where there is grief, there is love.

As I reach out to friends for support to mourn a friendship I am losing, I learn anew the importance of friendships and the loving care I receive from them.  

While pondering this new loss, I notice space opens up for me to revisit former unresolved losses. If I choose I can begin to heal unresolved anger and pain.

It is a very tender time. I'm listening to my body to learn what it needs.There is an element of mystery in times like these.

What do you know about loss? Have you ever made time to grieve? Do you feel that love is behind grief?

Share your thoughts on the comment page or email me.

Thank you for exploring the mystery of grief - Nicky Mendenhall

Mid Week Bonus: The Answer...........

.....depends on the question. 

If your question is whether it is still cold in Iowa, the above image will be your answer.

If your question is: "Who is Agnes De Mille?" the answer is:

The woman who choreographed the dream ballet sequence for Oklahoma!*

Agnes was a lifelong friend of Martha Graham. One evening the two were having dinner; Agnes expressed doubts about her own creativity. 

In response, Martha wrote to Agnes, words that are often quoted (have you seen this quote? Did you know who it was addressed to? Does it excite you about your own creativity? )

A Letter to Agnes De Mille

There is a vitality,
a life force,
a quickening
that is translated through you into action,
and because there is only one of you in all time,
this expression is unique.

And If you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and be lost.
The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine
how good it is
nor how valuable it is
nor how it compares with other expressions.

It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly
to keep the channel open.
You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work.
You have to keep open and aware directly to the urges that motivate YOU.

Keep the channel open...
No artist is pleased...

There is no satisfaction whatever at anytime
There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction
a blessed unrest that keeps us marching
and makes "us" MORE alive than the others.

Martha Graham
( - 

I will smile the next time I read it knowing now the recipient was Agnes De Mille.

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall (Are you humming OKLAHOMA!?)

*Hats off to Mark Mendenhall, aka Curly.
**Letter found marthagrahamletter.blogspot.com/‎