Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Mid Week: Mark Twain

A few fly bites cannot stop a spirited horse.*
Mark Twain's quote reminds me of insect bites and old fashioned picnics. Hoping you all have a great holiday. exploring the mystery will return on Friday July 17th.

(for some reason my all caps function is activated & I am unable to get it to cease and desist. I am not shouting at you!)
*Mark Twain as quoted in

A Network for Grateful Living contact@gratefulness.org via mail166.wdc02.mcdlv.net 


Friday, June 26, 2015

Attachment and the Dysregulated Brain - #164

"When you find a way to quiet the fear-driven brain, what emerges quite spontaneously are the attachment circuits."*

The above statement, by neurofeedback specialist Sebern Fisher, MA, reminded me of our recent series on attachment. Our circuits connect us.

Fisher believes the brains of people who have had terrible childhoods are dysregulated. If you have a highly dysfunctional childhood, you will have a dysregulated brain. 

It is difficult to regulate our brains. Now we know about plasticity which means our circuits can change.

"We are social creatures; we are meant to relate to one another."*

We need to keep in mind if our nervous system is highly aroused, relationships will not be very successful. Our challenge is to learn to self-regulate our own brain. It is usually a mistake to try and regulate someone else's brain

"Probably one of the reasons that we go to the ocean, is that it induces theta - it entrains the brain toward theta, which feels very dreamy and drifty."*

Can you tell when your nervous system is agitated? What happens to your relationships when this occurs? Do you feel like a social creature? What calms you down? Please reply to this email or click on www.nickymendenhall.blogspot.com and leave a comment.

Thanks for using your brain for exploring the mystery - 
                                                                     Nicky Mendenhall

*Sebern Fisher, MA, interviewed by Ruth Buczynski, PhD, for NICABM.

Image is collage representing dysregulated brains, mine included.

















Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Exploring Communication & Revisiting Silence

"Everyone communicates: the sparrow with the blue jay, the ants with one another, the queen bee and her workers, the woman at her doorstep thanking the mailman. The quality of this communication is what's key."*

Sometimes the quality of my communication is not quite polite. My voice tone leans toward harsh or curt. I'm impatient. Mostly, of course, this happens with people I love.

How would you describe the quality of your communication?

"Behind words is the silence that supports honesty and self-reflection."*

This is a way of thinking about silence that wasn't mentioned last post about silence. I'm scratching my head and don't quite know what to think of this idea. I keep writing a sentence to explore it and then think - no, that's not right! What do you make of it?

As for the image, I received it on my walk this evening after going out of the house thinking I wouldn't find anything interesting. Why would someone hang a perfectly good pair of socks where a bird feeder or plant is supposed to be? A mystery to explore! And if you know why the socks are there - let me know! Any ideas?

Please email me with your comments or go to the blog www.nickymendenhall.blogspot.com

Thanks for exploring the mystery with me - Nicky Mendenhall

*Michael Stone in Awake in the World (2011)

Friday, June 19, 2015

Silence: Keeping It Real - #163

"In the sweet territory of silence,
we touch the mystery.
It's the place of reflection and contemplation,
and it's the place where we can connect 
with the deep knowing."
Angeles Arrien*

Note that Arrien doesn't advise us to explore the mystery, only to touch the mystery. She suggests that silence is where we will touch mystery.

Though the subject of silence hasn't made an appearance in many of my posts, silence is a key component of my life. 

The need to tackle errands, ones no longer postponable, meant leaving my abode at lunchtime today. Errands gobble up copious amounts of time. Errands do not lead to silent contemplation but often lead me into temptation. Use your imagination!

If I stay true to the image KEEP IT REAL, it would mean telling you that I want to go reflect on and contemplate my new Abakanowicz book that came in the mail today. I want to enjoy the silence of a summer afternoon nap.

Thanks for exploring the mystery with me. Let me know if you like silence and how you carve out space for reflection and contemplation and rest. You know the drill - comment or reply! Thanks for reading!

*An Angeles Arrien poem found on page 207, the last page of Wise Mind, Open Mind by Ronald A. Alexander, PH.D,,2008.

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Easy To Know, Difficult To Practice


"........we need to learn enough about love, mercy, and compassion to realize sickness and death are meant to teach us that life is precious; these experiences are bumps in our road that can ultimately make our lives more profound, meaningful, and bearable."*

*Taken from Into the Heart of the Feminine (2014) by Massimilla Harris, Ph.D. and Bud Harris, Ph.D.

Image received in Portland, OR. Technical Assistance Required:   driver's long arm out window (not mine).

Friday, June 12, 2015

An Apology & An Abakanowicz Visit- #162

 Remember this Image from November of 2014?


In November, 2014, Connie posted a comment admitting she was fascinated with Abakanowicz's work, describing herself as the contemplative in her book club who liked to get into people's heads.  

In revisiting the earlier Abakanowicz post, I was shocked that I hadn't responded to her comment.

Not replying (despite the fact I resonated with her offering) was because I didn't know what to say. And then the task flew out of my head. 

Now revisiting her comment, I notice she said she likes to get into people's heads. If you look closely you will see there are no heads.  

My sincere apologies Connie. I learn from your comments. Thanks for helping me bring out my silly side. If you keep reading you will notice my silliness transforms to seriousness.

Mary Jane Jacob, curator and writer from the School of the Art Institute of Chicago, presented a lecture (6/7/2015) featuring stunning slides of  Magdalena Abakanowicz's work. To say I was knocked off my feet, would not be an exaggeration. 

While Jacob explained how Magdalena's Mother's arm was shot off, then showed slides of headless, limbless eerily alive statues, proceeded to quote the artist that uncertainty was her constant companion, expressed how Magdalena felt alone in a crowd of people, my anxiety kicked up.  

I was wearing loose shoes I wasn't used to and I was alone. The distance to the railing that would guide me up the stairs seemed cavernous. There was a crowd of people but I didn't feel old enough to ask for help.  

In solidarity with people who have mobility problems, I edged myself over to the rail.

Abakanowicz, who turns 85 next week, lives in Warsaw, Poland, and doesn't travel anymore. She seemed to whisper in my ear, "You need to be determined."

Jacob said her actual quote was more like you need to be determined to be an artist and have a fire in your belly and be filled with urgent necessity to make art. What I heard from this courageous artist was encouragement.  

Has fear made you doubt? What? Have your received unexpected encouragement? Please share with me/us by sending an email or going to www.nickymendenhall.blogspot.com







Magdalena Abakenowicz 
The Flock II
Burlap and resin; dimensions variable
Permission given by Des Moines Art Center Permanent Collections: Purchased with funds from the Edmundson Art Foundation, Inc.m 1992.36
Photo Credit - Rich Sanders, Des Moines

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Peregrine Ponders Paradox

Post 161 explored the merits of subtraction and expansion. The dynamic tension between these two ways of creating satisfaction in life brought to mind the word paradox.  While trying to decide whether or not it really was a paradox, the following quote jumped out at me:

"Perhaps the greatest paradox in the human psyche is our longing for union, for peace, for solutions, though experience has taught us that it is our conflicts and our failures which are in fact our points of growth."*

In Post 161, I would say the paradox is that both subtracting and expanding, seeming opposites, give positive results. 

In the above definition, the paradox is that though we long for the "good" stuff, thinking it will make us grow and transform, it is really the "bad" stuff that transforms us.

Do you agree there is something mysterious about paradox that deserves exploration?  

Do you have a different definition of paradox?

Do you have an example of a paradox?

Please share with me/us by replying to this message or visit this link by clicking here: www.nickymendenhall.blogspot.com  

Thanks for exploring the mystery of paradox with me. 
                                                        Nicky Mendenhall

*Quote found in Into The Heart of the Feminine by Massimilla Harris, Ph.D. and Bud Harris, Ph.D. attributed to Irene Claremont de Castillejo.

Photo: Several or you mentioned you couldn't see a cat in the last picture. Peregrine is a trauma survivor which is why he was hiding under the red plastic curtain in his safe house.

Friday, June 5, 2015

The Odd Couple: Subtraction & Expansion - #161

One of my favorite blogs, "The Ancient Wisdom Project,"* published a post Thursday with a sentence that caught my attention:

"Attaining pleasure is largely a matter of subtraction."

This brought to mind the satisfied feeling that arose after enlisting my friend Mary to help organize my closet. We gave away or threw away old clothes or clothes that didn't make me feel good. The next morning, even though there was less in my closet, I felt pleasure. 

Later on Thursday, while continuing to mull the merits of subtraction, I listened to Daily Dharma Gathering speaker, Nick Kranz.**

His topic: "Chaos & Expansion: Our Pain Threshold Examined."

The idea he presented, as I understood it, was how managing pain by enlarging the area you focus on works. Expand your focus; include more he encouraged.

While falling asleep that night, I experienced "an itch that hurt" on my left big toe. I scratched offending toe, first on the on the top of it and then on the bottom. Nothing changed, it still itched and hurt.  

Remembering Kranz's suggestion, I stopped focusing just on the left big toe and focused instead on all my toes, then on my whole foot, then my entire leg, finally my body. Then imagining my body cradled in a rocking boat, I fell asleep.  

Thursday was a day of subtracting and expanding. Each direction needs further exploration. Which direction do you move towards naturally?

Please let me/us know by replying to this email or going to www.nickymendenhall.blogspot.com

*http://theancientwisdomproject.com/
**http://mindfulinthemidst.com
Photograph received in Portland, OR., illustrating how two households merge into one by following the principle of subtraction. Peregrine, (the cat) focuses on safety while hiding under the red covered table.

Monday, June 1, 2015

Mid Week: Life in a Cocoon

"Cocooning isolates and protects one from harsh, dangerous, or disturbing realities especially by remaining indoors at home in one's free time."*

During my junior year of high school, my career goal was to become a missionary in Africa. Knowing what I know now, I would wager my religious fervor was less about saving souls and more about escaping Iowa. Mom said my weak constitution made it too risky to travel to Africa

Sixteen years later my wanderlust was reignited when offered the opportunity to see eight countries in eleven days. To accept this once-in-a-lifetime trip meant leaving my month-old newborn with his grandparents. At risk was attachment to my new son. This time Mom said go see the world; she & Dad would keep both my children. 

During the next thirty-five years, travel was a vital part of my life.  

Now, when home for a period of time, my comfortable routine is becoming harder and harder to leave. 

My growing attachment is to being comfortable. This is a new attachment and it is not one that feels well - entirely comfortable!

The purpose of life is not just to be comfortable - is it? 

Tell me your thoughts about your cocoon if you have one. How do you roust yourself out of it to go have adventures? Are you attached to being comfortable?

Email me or go to the comments section. I really need to hear from you!

*Webster's online New World College Dictionary.

Photo received at the Greater Des Moines Botanical Garden, 
May 9, 2015.













Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Mid Week: Do You Have A Wanting Mind?

Our attachment to a person may lead us to cling to them. 

When we are attached to an idea, we may grasp onto it and try to prove it is the best idea.

Qualities of clinging and grasping are what Buddhists call "wanting mind." 

According to Ronald A. Alexander, Ph.D., the problem is that wanting mind is rooted in the incorrect belief that something outside of ourselves is the key to lasting happiness.*

Wanting mind has the qualities of:
 - longing, wishing, pining, yearning 
 - hunger or cravings
 - sexual desires, cravings, or addictions
 - greed, emptiness, and constant wanting
 - envy or jealousy, competitiveness
 - resentment
 - an aversion to losing control and having to surrender the will of the ego

What we truly need in order to quiet the wanting mind is unconditional love for ourselves and self-acceptance.

We all have wanting mind. Remembering that happiness cannot be found outside of ourselves but only within is vital.  

How do you work with your wanting mind? What do you do that gives you satisfaction in spite of wanting mind? How do you love yourself?

Please let me know by email or go to the comment section.  
The next blog post will be June 2, 2015.

*Ronald A. Alexander, Ph. D., Wise Mind, Open Mind (2008).

Image received when visiting Iowa Acupuncture Clinic.


Friday, May 15, 2015

Who Are You Going To Be Intimate With? - #160


Koshin Paley presented a talk for the Daily Dharma Gathering on 5/13/2015. His subject: "One Moment, One Chance: A Zen Approach to Living and Dying."  His sparkling eyes, boyish grin, and mischievous manner captivated me immediately.

Koshin, according to his website, co-founded the New York Center for Contemplative Care and is a Senior Zen Priest.    

His first question to the Gathering: "Are you doing what you really want to be doing?"

His question roused the spirit of judgmentalness in me. Oh no, I thought, not another rehash of Joseph Campbell's famous line, follow your bliss.

Luckily my fears were unfounded.  He continued:

"The more intimate we get with old age, sickness, and death, the more joyful we become."

Now I don't presume to fully explain this. My hope is that our consultant will give us some guidance.

The best I can do is to speculate that the more we feel all of life, the more empathy and compassion will arise within us. If we feel our uncomfortable feelings as well as our comfortable ones, we have a chance of understanding what it means to be intimate with things we normally fear.

I know - it sounds mysterious but remember - we are here to explore mysteries. 

What would it mean to you to be intimate with old age, sickness, and death? 

Which of these is the most repulsive to you? 

Let us know in the Comments or reply to this email.

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall
























Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Are You Attached To Your Definition of Grief?



"I do not think the goal of grieving is to 'get closure' with its connotations of completion, resolution and finality. Rather, I believe the act of grieving whenever loss is felt anew develops a synthesizing sense of self that is strong enough to meet and withstand the tragedies of life and learn its aesthetic truths. Clearly, not something done once and for all, as society would have us believe."*

 'Synthesizing sense of self' is a phrase that gives me a felt sense of what Jeanette means, not a rational definition I can put into words. If you can define 'synthesizing sense of self', please share your words with us in the comment section or email me.

Also let us know what the goal of grieving is in your mind. How does the above quote differ from the Kubler-Ross model that describes the stages of grief?

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

*Jeanette Wright, The Art Of Attention: Chronicles of an Imagery-Oriented Psychotherapist, Book One: On Developing The Capacity For Self-Understanding (2005).

Photo received in OR. It was a grand old tree, one of many.

Friday, May 8, 2015

Another Attachment To Explore - #159


The Sniffles plaque, spotted on a recent trip to OR, brought to mind attachment. I am assuming Sniffles was someone's beloved fifteen year old cat. What do you think?

Currently there are no pets in my house. I remember with an aching heart the pain when as a child, Dad shot my dog Yippie because Yippie was breaking eggs and killing chickens. 

Since thankfully I didn't see it happen, and no one told me why my best friend wasn't around anymore, I found out the truth when Mom couldn't keep the terrible secret any longer.

I could have used the Rainbow Bridge.

According to Google (what did we do without it?), the Rainbow Bridge is a place between here and heaven where a reunion takes place between the owner and pet that died.

I remember the close bond that Yippee and I shared. I was attached to him. Maybe the reason pets are so important to us is that when we form an attachment to them, they are usually ready and willing to meet our needs and relieve our anxieties.

Barry Magid writes that our self-involvement, narcissistic vulnerabilities and various inner conflicts all lead us to form unhealthy, neurotic attachments with people.

Do you have attachments with pets? Tell me what it's like if you do. Is Magid correct that attachments with people are more difficult?

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

Ordinary Mind (2005), Barry Magid.


Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Mid Week: Remember Marina Abramovic? She's Back!


exploring the mystery featured performance artist Marina Abramovic on November 30, 2014. Marina, you might recall, sat silently across from people staring into their eyes. In that post,  I asked: 

Does an artist's work explain the artist's life? 

Now, six months later, one issue of a weekly blog, Brain Pickings, introduced to me by Becky Goldin two years ago, highlighted Marina's contribution to Getting There: A Book of Mentors.

See if you think Marina's words speak to the question I posed in November:

"My parents were both partisans and national heroes. They were very hard-core and were so busy with their careers that I lived with my grandmother until I was six. Until then, I hardly even knew who my parents were. They were just two strange people who would visit on Saturdays and bring presents. 

When I was six, my brother was born, and I was sent back to my parents. From that point on, my childhood was very unhappy. I grew up with incredible control, discipline, and violence at home. Everything was extreme. 

My mother never kissed me. When I asked why, she said, “Not to spoil you, of course.” She had a bacteria phobia so she didn’t allow me to play with other children out of fear that I might catch a disease. She even washed bananas with detergent. 

I spent most of my time alone in my room. There were many, many rules. Everything had to be in perfect order. If I slept messily in bed, my mother would wake me in the middle of the night and order me to sleep straight."

Her words also speak to our study of attachment styles!

Let me know what you think!

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall







Friday, May 1, 2015

Our Consultant Keeps Us Thinking! - #158

"All major religions have a spectrum ranging from fundamental, literal beliefs to liberal.  Not all Buddhists believe the same thing any more than all Christians or Jews do: some eat meat, some don't; some drink alcohol, some don't; some believe in literal reincarnation, many don't."

While you are pondering the kitchen sculpture, and wondering how it enhances or detracts from consultant Vicki Goldsmith's quote that hangs out underneath it, consider more words from Vicki:

"Buddhism encourages thinking in an effort to become more compassionate."

It is my hope that readers of exploring the mystery are learning to use the word thinking as a noun. 

May our thinking lead us to compassion in the face of suffering in Nepal, Philadelphia, and Cleveland.

What do you think of "thinking" as a way to develop compassion? 

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall



Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Mid Week Tea Bag Wisdom

I hope you make a habit of taking a moment to savor the bits of wisdom on the tag of your tea bag. Here's a recent one I noticed:

"It is better to to something ridiculously stupid than to be ridiculously boring."

Can you guess who said this? 

DRUM ROLL:


Marilyn Monroe

Do you agree with this advice? I do.

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall










Sunday, April 26, 2015

Are You Ready For A Story? - #157


Here's a story we can use for beginning to understand the Buddhists definition of detachment:

"Once, an old woman, as an act of charity, undertook to support a monk living in a nearby hermitage. The monk was an austere and seemingly holy fellow who needed very little in the way of food, clothing, or shelter. But after a couple of years the old woman decided to test the monk. 

"She sent her beautiful daughter out to the hermitage and instructed her to put her arms around his neck and ask, "Mr. Monk, do you think I'm beautiful?"

"Well, the monk just sat there impassively, and after a moment said, "A withered tree doesn't notice the change of seasons."

"So the beautiful daughter went back to her mother and told her what the monk had said. Whereupon the old lady went out and burned down his hermitage and drove him away, yelling, 

"I can't believe I've wasted all my hard-earned money on a fraud like you!"

Barry Magid explains in Ordinary Mind (2002 & 2005), that being detached in the neurotic sense, trying to avoid all feeling, and retreating into some unchanging state is not what Buddhists mean by detachment.

Positive detachment centers on the awareness of impermanence. You don't have to give up on the things of the world but accept that they go away. This reminds me of our consultant and her countertops.

As always, I would love to hear from you - I am not detached from my readers. I am learning that the dream of a life without ups and downs is foolish and that emotions give depth to life.

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall




Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Holding On and Letting Go With Our Consultant!

"I think attachment is just a holding on to something with the belief that it can make us happy.  Zen Buddhism is about letting go more than holding on."

These wise words are from our consultant Vicki Goldsmith. When she writes that attachment "is just a holding on," the little word "a" slows me down.

Even though "a holding on" is the opposite of "a letting go" - there are times that we need to hold the tension of opposites. 

My stomach gets anxious when gazing at the down escalator in Von Maur. I imagine the unique combination of letting go and holding on, that is required to get on the escalator, is triggering buried issues that need resolution. 

It is not easy to admit that you are afraid to step on the down escalator. It is humbling. I'm trying to learn from it.

Vicki closes with a helpful question: "What should I do/say/buy/notice this instant, and how can I lessen suffering?"

Is there an example in your life of letting go and holding on at the same time that is a challenge for you? Have you ever had to hold the tension of a pair of opposites? Please share with us your experiences.

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall




Friday, April 17, 2015

Does Anyone Tell You What Attachments To Make? - #156

Buddhism is not a belief system. When you become a Buddhist, there is nothing your have to believe. You will be told about the Four Noble Truths and Eight Pieces of Brocade. You don't have to believe this or take a vow that signifies a life long attachment to these precepts (guiding principles).

As a Buddhist, you will be encouraged to see how these precepts work in your life. Do they make sense to you? No one will ask if you believe them.  

In a belief system, like Christianity, you may be asked by a true believer whether you believe in Jesus or perhaps if you have been born again.  

Some Christian churches are not this fundamental. The motto (precepts?) for the large progressive United Church of Christ Christian church to which belong, and would attend more often but for the temptation of the NY Times & now Sunday morning Tai Chi in the park, has the motto: We agree to differ, We resolve to love. We unite to serve.

The Buddhist perspective is that the true seat of the mind is the heart, not the brain. (Note to consultant: I'm not sure what this means or what its implications are. My question is, do you think it is true?)

According to Pew Research Center in 2012, there were nearly 500 Million Buddhists (7%) in the world. 

Compare that with 2.2 Billion Christians (32%) and 1.6 billion Muslims (23%). If you Google these figures you will find they vary according to source. These figures are from 2012. 

Photo is from Burtynsky's Water exhibit that we explored last year. It captures a few of the 1 Billion Hindus (15%)

I'm floating out the idea that the more we believe, the more attached we become. What do you think readers? What do you think consultant?

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

NOTE - If you know any Buddhists that would like to join our discussion or anyone you think would enjoy these posts, please forward to them. 

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Exploring The Mystery Hires A Consultant!

    
I'm excited to continue our exploration of the Buddhist view of attachment.  Excited but wondering who on earth I think I am to undertake such a venture. 

As the fog in my mind cleared, it became evident that I'm a person who needs a consultant!  A person knowledgeable about Buddhism. A person who practices meditation. Vicki Goldsmith, a Buddhist who has meditated since the flood of 1993, fits both those requirements.  I emailed her.


"Oh, sure, Nicky.  I'd love to help.  People sometimes think non attachment means not caring about anything or anyone, but it is about not basing your happiness on that connection, on realizing the impermanence of that thing or relationship. 

I am buying countertops right now, and I love the pattern I've chosen, but I have to stay aware that if the house burns down, I'll be fine without the countertops."


Thank you Vicki! If you have questions for Vicki - send them to me by replying to this email. We will continue to learn more in the next few posts.

Thanks for exploring the mystery of Buddhism -  N. Mendenhall











Friday, April 10, 2015

Attachment: Stressful and Unsatisfactory - #155

The St. Patrick's Day post promised attachment from the Buddhist perspective. Let's see what we can learn.

The Buddha's first sermon outlined Four Noble Truths. 

The First Noble Truth informs us that life is "Dukkha" - Dukkha a Pali word often translated as suffering. More modern translations prefer the words stressful or unsatisfactory.  

Why do Buddhists believe life is unsatisfactory?

The Second Noble Truth answers that question with our word attachment! When we are attached to people or things and they change or die, we are stressed and dissatisfied.  We suffer.

Our tendency as humans is to become attached to things we like.  If you've been paying attention you know that everything ends and everything changes.

The photo: Tulip petals from gift bouquet for Easter.  

What does that have to do with Buddhism? Easter is a Christian holiday isn't it?

The petals represent impermanence, an important concept for Buddhists.  

Is your life satisfactory? Are you stressed? What do you think of the idea that life is unsatisfactory/suffering? Do you like this definition of attachment? Let us know by replying to this email or going to the blog and making a comment.


Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

Tolerating Physical Symptoms

I'm still reading The Body Keeps The Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk, M.D. It has been a helpful resource for our series on attachment. Bessel also offers advice on managing pain.

I'm paying attention to that part right now. 

The tradition at my church Easter Sunday is for the minister to invite members of the congregation, who so desire, to walk down front and sing the Alleluia Chorus with the esteemed Chancel Choir.  

I'm a soprano and to my surprise, some of the alleluias were higher this year. Hold your mouth open as if you are going to sing alleluia. See how it stretches your jaw? I wasn't able to hit the highest notes but I had to look like I was hitting the highest notes. My mouth was stretched wide open even when no sound was coming out.  

After church, Easter dinner. To chew ham was difficult enough but forcing a malted-milk-ball-Easter-egg into my mouth was even more difficult. The second egg harder than the first!

I began to recognize TMJ symptoms.

In order to cope, I'm using Bessel's advice to manage pain. He calls pain, a sensation. 

If Bessel were here he would say: "Nicky - you need to tolerate your physical sensations for what they are - just sensations in the present, with a beginning, a middle, and an end."

He would help me stay calm enough to notice what I felt without judgment. Without catastrophizing. Without beating myself up for not feeling 100%. 

Next time you have a physical symptom, hear Bessel's voice (or mine) encouraging you to tolerate your physical sensation for what it is - just a sensation in the present, with a beginning, a middle, and an end.

Right now it is Tuesday morning. I woke up with my jaw sensations and a new one: the sensation that I didn't publish this last night. This was affirmed when it didn't come into my inbox this morning. I don't know when Feedburner will send this out.

Whenever you receive this, send me and my jaw healing energy. 

Thanks for exploring the mystery of sensations - Nicky Mendenhall












Friday, April 3, 2015

Is Attachment Up Close & Personal? - #154

"The closer you get to anything, the less personal it becomes."

Thus says Michael Stone,* a wise teacher who spoke on April Fool's Day as part of the Daily Dharma series.  Let's see if we can unpack this sentence (I've always wanted to say that!) and make sure it wasn't an April Fool's joke.

When a relationship becomes more intimate, closer=less personal looks like:  

 ...... the less you think about who the other is or who you are. Michael says that the closer you are to another person, the less that person has to do for you. I'm not sure I understand that.

If you are a meditator, closer=less personal may exhibit as: 

......the more you feel your breath in your body as you are meditating, the less you think. Breathing becomes a function of the natural world. You don't have to think about the breath, it just is.

When you get closer to your body, closer=less personal might mean:

......your body feels just like A body - not your body.

Does it make sense to you that closer=less personal ? Michael says the purpose of this idea is to help us feel more intimate with our day to day experience. It can help us be more embodied. Most of us, myself included, spend way too much time in our heads.

I know from my experience that when I pay attention to my body, my experience has a different character.  

My massage therapist Kate Teas didn't like Michael's word personal and suggested that we change it to "in the now." This makes sense to me - when you are really with someone, there is nothing but the present moment. The closer I get to another, the more in the now I am. Being in the now isn't personal, it just is.

I wonder how closer=less personal fits with what we learned in the last post -  things come together quietly and things make noise when they break apart? 

I would love to hear from you. exploring the mystery alone is not as much fun as having a passel of friends throwing in their ideas!

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

*MichaelStoneteaching.com



Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Nepo' s Recipe For Attachment


"The truth is that this is how we evolve inwardly: by separating and rejoining, each time rearranging who we are....."*

Beyond Awakening's 100th interview on Sunday featured poet Mark Nepo. I remembered purchasing a book by Nepo several years ago, reading part of it, putting it on the shelf. I wondered what I would think now.

Making time to listen to Terry Patten interview Nepo appealed to me. Maybe there would be insights into attachment. I believe Nepo spoke of attachment without using the word. 

Here's a paraphrase of what I heard; see if it speaks to you of attachment:

"Things come together quietly; when they fall apart, they make a lot of noise."  

Attachment, according to the two Nepo quotes, may be as much about separation as it is about togetherness. What do you think? Do you need spaces in your attachments? If you need space, how do you go about getting it?

Please reply to this email or go to the blog by clicking on underlined exploring the mystery below or click on the word comment. I'm getting attached to hearing from you!


Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

*Mark Nepo, The Exquisite Risk (2005).

Friday, March 27, 2015

Balancing Act: Autonomy & Belonging - #153


exploring the mystery cannot be accused of ignoring attachment as an important component of life. If your sense of autonomy has been begging for recognition: relief follows!

You may recognize a portion of the following quote from a previous blog. If you do, congratulate yourself for remembering - this is a great quote to have in your heart:

"We are not here to fit in, be well balanced, or provide exempla for others.

"We are here to be eccentric, different, perhaps strange, perhaps merely to add our small piece, our little clunky, chunky selves, to the great mosaic of being.............

"We are here to become more and more ourselves."*

If your attachments/relationships encourage you to become more and more yourself, congratulate yourself once again. Regardless of where you are now in your life, keep working to make autonomy and belonging, separateness and attachment balance!

Is it more difficult to be yourself when you are in a relationship? Please let me know by replying to this email or going to the blog by clicking on exploring the mystery at the bottom of this page.

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

*What Matters Most: Living a More Considered Life by James Hollis, PH. D.

Photo materialized in my kitchen recently. Similar to the Buddhist practice of making beautiful sand mandalas, and then sweeping them away, this sculpture is no longer in existence.  


Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Midweek: Why Do We Live Disembodied?

A creative exploring the mystery reader suggests our first attachment may be  to our body - not to our parents.  Go to blog comment section March 10, 2015, to read her thinking.

Attachment suggests connection. When we are attached to someone or something, we spend time making certain the person or object is safe. If our first attachment is to our body, why do many of us struggle with, and many times fail, our attempts to care for our bodies?

Most of us, self included, spend our waking life in our minds, intellects, or heads (whatever label you choose). This interferes with our ability to feel our feelings. 

Disappointment can be a path to our emotions. We don't get to know feelings by thinking, we get to know feelings by feeling. Feelings need exercise.  

Anger is one feeling that I don't exercise very often. Longtime readers will remember when threats of the emerald ash bore led to a plan by the Homeowners Association to cut down perfectly healthy trees in my yard. 

My first response to the news was disappointment. I would miss these trees, I commune with them every day. Staying with the disappointment, feelings of powerlessness appeared. Not liking the feeling of powerlessness, anger erupted from a deep place inside me  The anger helped me speak up and save the trees.   

Does your mind get in the way of exercising your feelings? Do you have ideas about our first attachment? Please let me know in an email or in the comment section. BTW, I use emotion and feelings to refer to the same thing in this post.

Thank you for exploring the mystery of attachment
                                                                     - Nicky Mendenhall

The photo (and the camel photo last post) is from a feeling engendering photo exhibit at The World Food Prize building, downtown Des Moines. I am currently unable to locate the name of the photographer.  



Friday, March 20, 2015

You Gotta Have Attachments! - #152


"The need for attachment never lessens," writes Bessel Van Der Kolk, in one of my favorite new books: The Body Keeps the Score (2014).

In our daily lives, we watch people attach to others through work, friendships, and family. Humans cannot tolerate being disengaged from others for very long. Of course this varies depending on the person's attachment style.

Bessel* writes that people who cannot bond with others, in the ordinary ways listed above, find other ways: illnesses, lawsuits, or family feuds. He continues: "Anything is preferable to that godforsaken sense of irrelevance and alienation.".

This is not permission to blame people who exhibit these less than optimal strategies. Remember, people don't choose these strategies consciously. 

Life is challenging when you enjoy positive attachments; think what it would be like to be lonely.  As we move into the spring season, people come out of their winter hibernation. Greet each person you meet with kindness and compassion.

As for the camels, I've decided that once in awhile I'll use an image I love but that doesn't necessarily reference the post. The challenge is for you to make a connection - then let me know. We will create meaning together! Keep me posted on your view of attachments and remember if you are riding a camel, be attached!

Thanks for continuing to explore the mystery of attachments - 
                                                               Nicky Mendenhall



*I take the liberty of using Van Der Kolk's first name after hearing his personable presentation for NICABM