Friday, January 25, 2013
Unintended Consequences - #57
Friday, January 18, 2013
STEP 3: What Is The Cost of Misunderstanding? - # 56
Dr. Wyatt's* third suggestion for raising our level of consciousness:
Mrs. Long**, my favorite Sunday School teacher, often uttered Biblical-sounding prouncements about goodness to our unruly second-grade class. Most of the time she was staring at me, at least that's how it felt. Perhaps I misunderstood the nuances of her missionary zeal because after I graduated from second grade, I spent the remaining years of my childhood, a large proportion of my teenage years, and a huge percentage of my young adulthood trying to be a good girl.
Recently I determined that wearing a Red Hat with the rebellious ladies of the same name was now more my style. I didn't even want to write about goodness!
But then the word SEEK jumped out at me. Wait a minute I thought. Seek implies searching. Searching implies effort. Effort suggests action. Action requires discernment. Discernment needs internal and external research.
It takes seeking, searching, effort, action, and discernment to determine what will be "good" for all. All these steps take time. Here are some suggestions from Dr. Wyatt on how to do this:
Refuse to accept easy or obvious solutions that might alienate one group or another. The best path through tragedy is one that brings divergent groups together respectfully with wisdom and vision and without hidden, self-seeking agenda. Work toward “both-and” solutions rather than “either-or.”
Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall
Seek the greatest good for all.
Mrs. Long**, my favorite Sunday School teacher, often uttered Biblical-sounding prouncements about goodness to our unruly second-grade class. Most of the time she was staring at me, at least that's how it felt. Perhaps I misunderstood the nuances of her missionary zeal because after I graduated from second grade, I spent the remaining years of my childhood, a large proportion of my teenage years, and a huge percentage of my young adulthood trying to be a good girl.
Recently I determined that wearing a Red Hat with the rebellious ladies of the same name was now more my style. I didn't even want to write about goodness!
But then the word SEEK jumped out at me. Wait a minute I thought. Seek implies searching. Searching implies effort. Effort suggests action. Action requires discernment. Discernment needs internal and external research.
It takes seeking, searching, effort, action, and discernment to determine what will be "good" for all. All these steps take time. Here are some suggestions from Dr. Wyatt on how to do this:
Refuse to accept easy or obvious solutions that might alienate one group or another. The best path through tragedy is one that brings divergent groups together respectfully with wisdom and vision and without hidden, self-seeking agenda. Work toward “both-and” solutions rather than “either-or.”
Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall
*Karen Wyatt, MD, is a family physician who has spent much of her twenty-five-year career as a hospice medical director. The author of What Really Matters: 7 Lessons for Living from the Stories of the Dying (Select Books, 2012), Dr. Wyatt has lectured and written extensively on end-of-life issues with an emphasis on the spiritual aspect of illness and dying. To learn more, go to www.karenwyattmd.com.
**Not her real name. She's now in Witness Protection Program.
Friday, January 11, 2013
Tracking The Elusive Highest Perspective - #55
This week we proceed to Dr. Wyatt's* second offering:
Take the highest possible perspective. Remember to have compassion for all points of view, even when they differ from your own. Consider with equal understanding the fear felt by parents who perceive their children to be at risk in our violent society, and the fear felt by gun-owners who cherish their weapons as well as their constitutional right to own them.
What follows is my experience with suggestion two:
Monday morning I sit in front of my laptop. Decide free E-book offer from Tricycle too good to pass up.
Tricycle website requires me to sign in which of course means remembering a user name and password. No clue about password. Click on I forgot, return to inbox, receive email, select new password. Get scolded - password strength is "weak."
Much to my dismay, signing in is just the first step. A multi-page Tricycle application needs data. It seems never ending.
I derive hope from the Buddhist doctrine of impermanence.
Finally I see flashing on my screen: "Congratulations Nicky - you have purchased a free E-book."
Unfortunately that's all. There is no indication how to actually download this suddenly-seeming not-so-free E-book.
Muttering under my breath, "it has to be here somewhere," the search begins. Where is the phone # that just mere seconds ago was prominently displayed? Several minutes later the 800 number appears. I call the number, remain on hold for several minutes while listening to unsatisfying music, then hear: "Your call did not go through."
Needless to say - I no longer have the highest possible perspective towards this transaction. My attic perspective is rapidly sliding towards the basement.
My four-year-old self wants to yell and stomp her feet on the way down. My internal twins, self-criticism and harsh judgment, are resuscitated by all the confusion.
The twins are full of complaints and accusations. Neither of them are worried about the highest possible perspective: "Nicky, why are you so computer illiterate?" and "Those darn Buddhists had no intention of giving away an E-book!"
Before my perspective plunges to the root cellar, I walk away. I get ready for Tai Chi class.
Checking email before leaving the house, I find two emails from Tricycle in my inbox.
One graciously thanks me for my purchase.
The other provides a link where I easily download my free E-book.
I wonder what it would take for me to maintain the highest possible perspective in situations like this?
Do you find yourself keeping the highest possible perspective most of the time, some of the time, or occasionally?
Go to the blog and let us know how you keep your perspective at the highest possible perspective. We all need to know!
Thank you for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall
***Karen Wyatt, MD, is a family physician who has spent much of her twenty-five-year career as a hospice medical director. The author of What Really Matters: 7 Lessons for Living from the Stories of the Dying (Select Books, 2012), Dr. Wyatt has lectured and written extensively on end-of-life issues with an emphasis on the spiritual aspect of illness and dying. To learn more, go to www.karenwyattmd.com.
Take the highest possible perspective. Remember to have compassion for all points of view, even when they differ from your own. Consider with equal understanding the fear felt by parents who perceive their children to be at risk in our violent society, and the fear felt by gun-owners who cherish their weapons as well as their constitutional right to own them.
What follows is my experience with suggestion two:
Monday morning I sit in front of my laptop. Decide free E-book offer from Tricycle too good to pass up.
Tricycle website requires me to sign in which of course means remembering a user name and password. No clue about password. Click on I forgot, return to inbox, receive email, select new password. Get scolded - password strength is "weak."
Much to my dismay, signing in is just the first step. A multi-page Tricycle application needs data. It seems never ending.
I derive hope from the Buddhist doctrine of impermanence.
Finally I see flashing on my screen: "Congratulations Nicky - you have purchased a free E-book."
Unfortunately that's all. There is no indication how to actually download this suddenly-seeming not-so-free E-book.
Muttering under my breath, "it has to be here somewhere," the search begins. Where is the phone # that just mere seconds ago was prominently displayed? Several minutes later the 800 number appears. I call the number, remain on hold for several minutes while listening to unsatisfying music, then hear: "Your call did not go through."
Needless to say - I no longer have the highest possible perspective towards this transaction. My attic perspective is rapidly sliding towards the basement.
My four-year-old self wants to yell and stomp her feet on the way down. My internal twins, self-criticism and harsh judgment, are resuscitated by all the confusion.
The twins are full of complaints and accusations. Neither of them are worried about the highest possible perspective: "Nicky, why are you so computer illiterate?" and "Those darn Buddhists had no intention of giving away an E-book!"
Before my perspective plunges to the root cellar, I walk away. I get ready for Tai Chi class.
Checking email before leaving the house, I find two emails from Tricycle in my inbox.
One graciously thanks me for my purchase.
The other provides a link where I easily download my free E-book.
I wonder what it would take for me to maintain the highest possible perspective in situations like this?
Do you find yourself keeping the highest possible perspective most of the time, some of the time, or occasionally?
Go to the blog and let us know how you keep your perspective at the highest possible perspective. We all need to know!
Thank you for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall
***Karen Wyatt, MD, is a family physician who has spent much of her twenty-five-year career as a hospice medical director. The author of What Really Matters: 7 Lessons for Living from the Stories of the Dying (Select Books, 2012), Dr. Wyatt has lectured and written extensively on end-of-life issues with an emphasis on the spiritual aspect of illness and dying. To learn more, go to www.karenwyattmd.com.
Friday, December 28, 2012
Abbess Advises Jumping into River of Grief - #53
My motivation to expand rather than contract in the face of painful feelings needs consistent reinforcement.
Both ancient wisdom teachings and modern psychological systems encourage us to pay attention to internal feeling states. Because the ancients and the moderns agree on the folly of denying feelings, there are many resources available to guide us when we have the courage to meet our feelings face-to-face.
We've heard a Buddhist perspective, now please stay with me as we open to a Christian viewpoint.
Sometimes the word "Christian" causes us to shut our ears. We don't want to entertain Christian dogma that makes no sense to our scientifically trained minds. We put cotton in our ears to protect us from the harsh, judgemental words we have come to expect from the fundamentalists. But rather than throwing the baby out with the bathwater (after all it is the Christmas season) let's listen with an open mind and heart to:
Christine Valters Paintner* the online Abbess of Abbey of the Arts. The Abbey is a virtual monastery that offers a variety of online classes, reflections, and resources with a focus on the integration of contemplative practice and creative expression.
I "met" Christine during an online class and found her guidance for my writing and meditation practice to be most helpful; it was not a surprise when her response to the Newtown tragedy was inspiring.
She graciously gave permission to share her words:
In the wake of so much grief over the unimaginable violence at Sandy Hook elementary school last week, I invite you to let sorrow have its place in you.
I have no easy answers, and people who claim God's will somehow at work in the violence itself are offering trite answers to a mystery that is greater than our understanding.
Our response must be to stand witness to the terrible things done, to grieve and know the fullness of our own humanity, and to cherish those we love dearly and hold them close.
We are reminded again and again that life is a fleeting gift. Sometimes it slips away in illness and sometimes stolen brutally.
There are no words of solace.
We must simply be with the great sadness of loss and know that these wounds and places of being broken open are where the grace enters. We must commit again to make this one life matter.
One simple act you can do in response to this heartbreaking thievery of human life is to let yourself feel the deep grief of it.
Notice when you want to push it away, or numb yourself, or find a distraction.
This capacity to sit with the pain and let it work its way through you is the first and fundamental response.
The second response is an embrace of love as the deepest and truest thing, what makes life bearable under the most grievous of circumstances.
Hold someone you love close, make amends with a loved one with whom you had a falling out.
Extend yourself in this circle of love. These things matter deeply.
Then comes the hard work of conversation and change of policy and ways to protect lives more vigorously.
But this work must emerge from a place that has allowed the river of grief to flow through and the deep well of love to nourish and sustain.
We must remember the extravagant source of life** as we consider the reality of death.
Next week we will learn from a practitioner of Integral Theory six steps we can practice to midwife higher levels of consciousness.
Special note: It was brought to my attention over Christmas break that not everyone agrees focusing on our feelings after National tragedies is necessary. What do you think? How do you deal with disasters that aren't in your neighborhood or your part of the world? Please use the comments section to tell us what you think.
Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall
www.AbbeyoftheArts.com
**Italics mine.
Both ancient wisdom teachings and modern psychological systems encourage us to pay attention to internal feeling states. Because the ancients and the moderns agree on the folly of denying feelings, there are many resources available to guide us when we have the courage to meet our feelings face-to-face.
We've heard a Buddhist perspective, now please stay with me as we open to a Christian viewpoint.
Sometimes the word "Christian" causes us to shut our ears. We don't want to entertain Christian dogma that makes no sense to our scientifically trained minds. We put cotton in our ears to protect us from the harsh, judgemental words we have come to expect from the fundamentalists. But rather than throwing the baby out with the bathwater (after all it is the Christmas season) let's listen with an open mind and heart to:
Christine Valters Paintner* the online Abbess of Abbey of the Arts. The Abbey is a virtual monastery that offers a variety of online classes, reflections, and resources with a focus on the integration of contemplative practice and creative expression.
I "met" Christine during an online class and found her guidance for my writing and meditation practice to be most helpful; it was not a surprise when her response to the Newtown tragedy was inspiring.
She graciously gave permission to share her words:
In the wake of so much grief over the unimaginable violence at Sandy Hook elementary school last week, I invite you to let sorrow have its place in you.
I have no easy answers, and people who claim God's will somehow at work in the violence itself are offering trite answers to a mystery that is greater than our understanding.
Our response must be to stand witness to the terrible things done, to grieve and know the fullness of our own humanity, and to cherish those we love dearly and hold them close.
We are reminded again and again that life is a fleeting gift. Sometimes it slips away in illness and sometimes stolen brutally.
There are no words of solace.
We must simply be with the great sadness of loss and know that these wounds and places of being broken open are where the grace enters. We must commit again to make this one life matter.
One simple act you can do in response to this heartbreaking thievery of human life is to let yourself feel the deep grief of it.
Notice when you want to push it away, or numb yourself, or find a distraction.
This capacity to sit with the pain and let it work its way through you is the first and fundamental response.
The second response is an embrace of love as the deepest and truest thing, what makes life bearable under the most grievous of circumstances.
Hold someone you love close, make amends with a loved one with whom you had a falling out.
Extend yourself in this circle of love. These things matter deeply.
Then comes the hard work of conversation and change of policy and ways to protect lives more vigorously.
But this work must emerge from a place that has allowed the river of grief to flow through and the deep well of love to nourish and sustain.
We must remember the extravagant source of life** as we consider the reality of death.
Next week we will learn from a practitioner of Integral Theory six steps we can practice to midwife higher levels of consciousness.
Special note: It was brought to my attention over Christmas break that not everyone agrees focusing on our feelings after National tragedies is necessary. What do you think? How do you deal with disasters that aren't in your neighborhood or your part of the world? Please use the comments section to tell us what you think.
Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall
*Christine Valters Paintner is the online Abbess of Abbey of the Arts and the author of 7 books on monastic spirituality and creativity, as well as an artist, spiritual director, retreat facilitator, and teacher. She earned her PhD in Christian Spirituality from the Graduate Theological Union in Berkeley and her professional status as Registered Expressive Arts Consultant and Educator (REACE) from the International Expressive Arts Therapy Association. In July 2012, she began living out her commitment as a Benedictine Oblate in the beautiful city of Vienna, Austria with her husband.
Christine Valters Paintner, PhDwww.AbbeyoftheArts.com
**Italics mine.
Friday, December 21, 2012
Weep, Sob, Rage; Weep, Sob, Rage - #52
The last email you received from exploring the mystery was mysteriously dated Wednesday, though I posted it on Thursday, a day I actually thought was Friday. Since today is Friday, my usual day to publish, it seemed prudent to publish again.
Susan Piver* is a writer, teacher, and New York Times best selling author. Last year I attended a workshop she offered on Fearless Writing and found Susan to be authentic whether she was teaching us meditation or encouraging us to write.
The day after the horrific events in Newtown, Susan received a request from one of her students to write a reflection on the tragedy. Initially she thought it would be too hard but, thankfully for us, later wrote what I want to share with you.
Susan's response was the first article I discovered that offered practical ways to stay with my feelings instead of distancing from them.
My hope is that you will find direction and comfort from her words. This is an excerpt, if you wish to read the entire essay, click on her website address below.
Susan's words are to be read slowly and meditatively:
Using ideas to treat or metabolize feelings is ineffective.
http://susanpiver.com/blog/
Susan Piver* is a writer, teacher, and New York Times best selling author. Last year I attended a workshop she offered on Fearless Writing and found Susan to be authentic whether she was teaching us meditation or encouraging us to write.
The day after the horrific events in Newtown, Susan received a request from one of her students to write a reflection on the tragedy. Initially she thought it would be too hard but, thankfully for us, later wrote what I want to share with you.
Susan's response was the first article I discovered that offered practical ways to stay with my feelings instead of distancing from them.
My hope is that you will find direction and comfort from her words. This is an excerpt, if you wish to read the entire essay, click on her website address below.
Susan's words are to be read slowly and meditatively:
Using ideas to treat or metabolize feelings is ineffective.
Then what? I’m afraid that there are only a very few things we can do other than to be absolutely, irredeemably heartbroken. Weep, sob, rage. Weep, sob, rage.
Every time your mind tries to tell you, “this is because of poor gun control,” or “this world is rotten, terrible and I have to ignore it in order to survive,” and/or “if mental health care was better, we could help people before they explode into violence,” please ask it to wait.
I’m not saying we shouldn’t act. WE SHOULD. But before we act, we should feel. Let your heart break. Let down your guard. There is a strange redemption in heartbreak.
In your own way, you could open your heart to the suffering of all who have been directly involved.
Every time your mind tries to tell you, “this is because of poor gun control,” or “this world is rotten, terrible and I have to ignore it in order to survive,” and/or “if mental health care was better, we could help people before they explode into violence,” please ask it to wait.
I’m not saying we shouldn’t act. WE SHOULD. But before we act, we should feel. Let your heart break. Let down your guard. There is a strange redemption in heartbreak.
In your own way, you could open your heart to the suffering of all who have been directly involved.
Relax your mind and then think:
For all of you children who lost your lives and may now be wandering bereft and confused, I share your suffering with you. In return I offer you my peace.
Breathe in their suffering. Breathe out your peace.
For all of you parents who lost your children, I share your unspeakable suffering with you. May I take even the tiniest bit of your sorrow and rage into my own heart to relieve you of it. In return, I send you my strength.
Breathe in their suffering. Breathe out your strength.
For all of of you children who lived through this horrific day, I share your suffering with you. May I take in your fear and your nightmares. I send you my bravery.
Breathe in their suffering. Breathe out your bravery.
For the officials of the state of Connecticut and of this country who now must bear witness and act, I share your suffering with you. May I take in your doubt and confusion about what to do and how to feel. I send you my confidence and compassion.
Breathe in their suffering. Breathe out your confidence and compassion.
Then, as best you can, relax your mind and sit quietly for a few minutes or a few lifetimes.
We can’t leave out that someone committed this crime. We might hate the horrible monster who did so. We might condemn and excoriate him. I’m not saying don’t do that. It’s not useful (especially to you), but it is human. The only thing we cannot do under any circumstance is think that we are any different than he is.
It would take a very big person to offer compassion to the perpetrator and I for one am not capable of it today. But while I cannot feel kindhearted, nor will I permit myself to imagine that if I lived his life, I would not be just like him.
In the meantime, tonight I will wrap my arms around those I love and, recognizing the extraordinary fragility of our lives, give thanks for the preciousness of our time together. Truly the only solace is in the dharmas of love, compassion,and fierce warriorship.
Next we will explore words from Christine Valters Paintner.
exploring the mystery of feelings takes an open heart and courage.
Thanks for being with me. Please go to the blog and comment - I
would love to hear from you. Nicky Mendenhall
*www.susanpiver.com/open-heart-project/
For the wonderful comment section - unfortunately you will have to scroll down several inches - thanks!
Next we will explore words from Christine Valters Paintner.
exploring the mystery of feelings takes an open heart and courage.
Thanks for being with me. Please go to the blog and comment - I
would love to hear from you. Nicky Mendenhall
*www.susanpiver.com/open-heart-project/
For the wonderful comment section - unfortunately you will have to scroll down several inches - thanks!
http://susanpiver.com/blog/
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Feelings: An Essential Component In First Aid Kit - # 51
The senseless tragedy in Newtown has made me aware that I handle overwhelming feelings by distancing from them.
My pattern of distancing, not paying attention to feelings, occurs in other areas of my life.
I attribute this, at least partially, to being told, "Don't feel that way" or "you shouldn't feel that way." These phrases encouraged me to ignore or distance myself from feelings.
These phrases are misguided. Feelings can be signals from the unconscious. Feelings point us toward issues that need our attention. Feelings make us human.
After a lifetime of running from feelings, facing them may seem impossible; it isn't surprising that we don't know where to begin.
When I determined that I didn't want to push my feelings about Newtown down into my belly, I began researching the web for suggestions on how to skillfully use the feelings of sorrow and disbelief.
Statements from Susan Piver, Dr. Christine Valters Painter and Dr. Karen Wyatt encouraged me, each in their own way, to be with and learn from my feelings. These women represent (in order listed) Buddhist, Christian, and Integral points of view. Each of them graciously gave permission to quote them.
Reading their ideas has helped me honor my feelings and learn from them; my hope is that you will also find solace from reading these words.
Next week we will begin our exploration with words offered by Susan Piver.
This post is a heads up - pay attention to any feeling that tries to make itself known to you. It is puerile to ignore our feelings. The holiday season will give you ample opportunity to explore feelings.
In the comments section, please share your experiences with feelings. This year, do you miss family members who are no longer present? Are you disappointed in yourself? Do you feel lonely or bored? Remember - boredom is a feeling. Are you filled with joy and gratitude this year and don't know how to feel about others less fortunate?
Thanks for joining me on an exploration of feelings -
Nicky Mendenhall
My pattern of distancing, not paying attention to feelings, occurs in other areas of my life.
I attribute this, at least partially, to being told, "Don't feel that way" or "you shouldn't feel that way." These phrases encouraged me to ignore or distance myself from feelings.
These phrases are misguided. Feelings can be signals from the unconscious. Feelings point us toward issues that need our attention. Feelings make us human.
After a lifetime of running from feelings, facing them may seem impossible; it isn't surprising that we don't know where to begin.
When I determined that I didn't want to push my feelings about Newtown down into my belly, I began researching the web for suggestions on how to skillfully use the feelings of sorrow and disbelief.
Statements from Susan Piver, Dr. Christine Valters Painter and Dr. Karen Wyatt encouraged me, each in their own way, to be with and learn from my feelings. These women represent (in order listed) Buddhist, Christian, and Integral points of view. Each of them graciously gave permission to quote them.
Reading their ideas has helped me honor my feelings and learn from them; my hope is that you will also find solace from reading these words.
Next week we will begin our exploration with words offered by Susan Piver.
This post is a heads up - pay attention to any feeling that tries to make itself known to you. It is puerile to ignore our feelings. The holiday season will give you ample opportunity to explore feelings.
In the comments section, please share your experiences with feelings. This year, do you miss family members who are no longer present? Are you disappointed in yourself? Do you feel lonely or bored? Remember - boredom is a feeling. Are you filled with joy and gratitude this year and don't know how to feel about others less fortunate?
Thanks for joining me on an exploration of feelings -
Nicky Mendenhall
Friday, December 14, 2012
Worksheet D: Is Holiday Stress Inexorable*? - #50
Gird your loins: Worksheet D.
Question: What do you do when you feel discombobulated, stressed, or overwhelmed? In other words, how do you respond to discomfort?
Ask someone close to you what you do during stressful times - he or she will most likely gift you with inexorable feedback. It's my guess you already know your ugly, aggressive, and selfish parts and don't need the intractable pain of having them gleefully enumerated once more.
Historically (or hysterically as the case may be) my tendency when overwhelmed has been to deny that anything is troubling me. "I'm fine! What's your problem?"
I am not advising this strategy.
Do you deny your feelings of stress, fatigue, sadness, angry upset or any other so-called negative emotion? Does the idea of telling someone how you are feeling put a frog in your throat? Do you want to learn how to express yourself when you experience these normal states of being?
The art of expressing ourselves when we feel less-than-optimal is not difficult, it is just not easy to do.
Try to express real feelings in a clear non-blaming, non-judgemental way. Pay attention and you will find - once you get the hang of it - that claiming your feeling state won't take as much energy as denying it.
Say: "I feel stressed out - would you excuse me while I take a break?" not "Why do you have to chew your food so loudly?"
Not so surprisingly, people tend to respond more positively when we admit we are overwhelmed instead of blaming or criticizing them.
Begin by saying, "I feel" and then list the main feeling you are having. Do this in a non-judgemental, non-blaming way.
The rest of this year, when the urge to deny your uneasy feelings arises, pledge to express them.
Look at it this way - you will surprise the heck out of the people around you! They may feel discombobulated by your new adult behavior. You don't have to react in the most perfect way - just do something different and see what happens!
Thanks for making time to explore the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall
*Inexorable is a word I found while reading Van Gogh: The Life, an excellent biography written by Naifeh and Smith. I would like to add inexorable to my vocabulary. Can you help me accomplish this goal by writing a sentence using inexorable and post it in the Comments section? Then see if you can locate the other new word in this post. Thanks for your help.
Remember you need to go the Blog by clicking on the words exploring the mystery at the bottom of the email you are reading. When you arrive, click on the Comments section. It would be great to hear from you!
Question: What do you do when you feel discombobulated, stressed, or overwhelmed? In other words, how do you respond to discomfort?
Ask someone close to you what you do during stressful times - he or she will most likely gift you with inexorable feedback. It's my guess you already know your ugly, aggressive, and selfish parts and don't need the intractable pain of having them gleefully enumerated once more.
Historically (or hysterically as the case may be) my tendency when overwhelmed has been to deny that anything is troubling me. "I'm fine! What's your problem?"
I am not advising this strategy.
Do you deny your feelings of stress, fatigue, sadness, angry upset or any other so-called negative emotion? Does the idea of telling someone how you are feeling put a frog in your throat? Do you want to learn how to express yourself when you experience these normal states of being?
The art of expressing ourselves when we feel less-than-optimal is not difficult, it is just not easy to do.
Try to express real feelings in a clear non-blaming, non-judgemental way. Pay attention and you will find - once you get the hang of it - that claiming your feeling state won't take as much energy as denying it.
Say: "I feel stressed out - would you excuse me while I take a break?" not "Why do you have to chew your food so loudly?"
Not so surprisingly, people tend to respond more positively when we admit we are overwhelmed instead of blaming or criticizing them.
Begin by saying, "I feel" and then list the main feeling you are having. Do this in a non-judgemental, non-blaming way.
The rest of this year, when the urge to deny your uneasy feelings arises, pledge to express them.
Look at it this way - you will surprise the heck out of the people around you! They may feel discombobulated by your new adult behavior. You don't have to react in the most perfect way - just do something different and see what happens!
Thanks for making time to explore the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall
*Inexorable is a word I found while reading Van Gogh: The Life, an excellent biography written by Naifeh and Smith. I would like to add inexorable to my vocabulary. Can you help me accomplish this goal by writing a sentence using inexorable and post it in the Comments section? Then see if you can locate the other new word in this post. Thanks for your help.
Remember you need to go the Blog by clicking on the words exploring the mystery at the bottom of the email you are reading. When you arrive, click on the Comments section. It would be great to hear from you!
Friday, December 7, 2012
1st Aid Kit For Surviving Holidays - #49
Since it is true that we only see what we look at - let's look inside a psychological first aid kit.
Worksheet A: First - make a list of every holiday activity or situation between now and January 2, 2013, that you dread.
Other people's annoying behavior will likely be a primary focus of your list. Examples: they never contribute their fair share, they are irresponsible and thoughtless, they eat too much or eat too little, they are always late.
Worksheet B: Aid will be readily available to anyone who has a clear understanding of the following point: There is nothing you can do to change any of this horrendous behavior.
No one will deny how seductive and tempting it is to reform/save/educate the other. Which is to say I need to keep my missionary zeal on a leash, especially until January 2, 2013.
Instead - repeat after me: "Nothing I can do will change the behavior of other people."
Worksheet C: Realize that none of these behaviors has anything to do with you.
In other words: Don't personalize. If you can observe these behaviors from an objective stance, you will be surprised how much easier holiday gatherings will unfold.
Don Miguel Ruiz,* author of The Four Agreements, writes:
"When you take things personally, then you feel offended, and your reaction is to defend your beliefs and create conflicts."
Next week, we will find more Aid for the season. Let me know what you need to have happy holidays?
As always, thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall
*Don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements, 1997. (page 51)
Worksheet A: First - make a list of every holiday activity or situation between now and January 2, 2013, that you dread.
Other people's annoying behavior will likely be a primary focus of your list. Examples: they never contribute their fair share, they are irresponsible and thoughtless, they eat too much or eat too little, they are always late.
Worksheet B: Aid will be readily available to anyone who has a clear understanding of the following point: There is nothing you can do to change any of this horrendous behavior.
No one will deny how seductive and tempting it is to reform/save/educate the other. Which is to say I need to keep my missionary zeal on a leash, especially until January 2, 2013.
Instead - repeat after me: "Nothing I can do will change the behavior of other people."
Worksheet C: Realize that none of these behaviors has anything to do with you.
In other words: Don't personalize. If you can observe these behaviors from an objective stance, you will be surprised how much easier holiday gatherings will unfold.
Don Miguel Ruiz,* author of The Four Agreements, writes:
"When you take things personally, then you feel offended, and your reaction is to defend your beliefs and create conflicts."
Next week, we will find more Aid for the season. Let me know what you need to have happy holidays?
As always, thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall
*Don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements, 1997. (page 51)
Friday, November 30, 2012
Do You Want To Meet Who You Are?- #48*
We've been exploring the mystery for nearly a year! Today we tackle the mystery of Who We Are.
Recently Ivan Granger published a poem by Dorothy Waters** on his fantastic website, Poetry Chaikhana.*** Reading his daily selections for the past three years has seduced me; there are now a few poems in my inchoate collection. The seduction occurred while reading Ivan's sensitive and helpful commentaries after each selection.
Exploring the citation provided for Dorothy's work, I found a poem we will be exploring today. When the decision was made to share it with you, I emailed Dorothy to request her permission. Within the hour she called me!
This was a glorious surprise. We chatted as if we were long time friends and in a sense, we were; there is a copiously underlined copy of her 2002 book, Unmasking the Rose, on my bookshelf. She generously said that from her vantage point of 84 years, my 67 was quite young. This forever endeared her to me.
I shared with her that poetry was a new interest of mine; that in the past, poems didn't make sense to me. She said with a chuckle, "You weren't reading the right poems!"
So I present her poem to you hoping that it is the right poem for you. Force yourself to read each line. Watch for words you like and savor them. See if you can learn something about yourself from this wise woman's words and let me know what you discover.
WHO YOU ARE
How the body is put together,
with its tender fastenings,
its mysterious openings,
its muscles working in
smooth coordination
to convey it
where it wishes to go,
how it changes
from year to year,
from day to day,
its cells working in a collusion
to carry it always
into a new configuration,
how the face communicates
its signals
wherever it goes,
whether it is
happy or sad
or puzzled
or plotting,
how the inner and outer,
organs and coverings are part
of the same being,
the same oneness
that is bound together
to make the unique creation,
the one combination
that is you,
present here, now,
spirit's abode,
soul's habitation,
never to be encountered
again in time's endless cycles.
What new configuration are you being led to? Do you honor your uniqueness?
Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall
*Please note there will be at least one new-to-me word in each post. See if you can guess which word it is. Also tell me if I have misused a word, tell me if you like or intensely dislike a word in the post, or suggest a word you think I need to know.
**Used with oral permission, Dorothy Walters, The Ley Lines of the Soul: Poems of Ecstasy and Ascension (2012)
***Ivan Granger, http://poetry-chaikhana.com
You can easily access the comments section by clicking on exploring the mystery typed below.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
As Promised, Tenzin's Photos
 |
| Jetsunma Tenzin Palmo |
Tenzin has a no-nonsense attitude. Here's a quote from
Into the Heart of Life - her latest book:
"When everything is going well, we can be lulled into
thinking that we're much nicer and more advanced
than we actually are.
But it's when things don't go right,
when people don't do what we want,
when things don't work out the way we've planned -
that's when we learn."
Pay attention when things don't go "right" during the holidays.
When you are upset, see how far you can extend your compassion.
Notice how much patience you can muster up.
Share with us what you discover.
Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall
Friday, November 23, 2012
How Miserable Can You Be During The Holidays? - #47
Born in London, Jetsunma Tenzin Palmo,* spent twelve years secluded in a Himalayan cave. Her most recent book, Into The Heart Of Life,** is a collection of talks explaining Buddha's essential teachings; teachings she says we habitually and persistently deny.
Here's a thought from Tensen: "The first sign of existence is dissatisfaction. Life as we normally lead it in our confused and very disturbed manner is not satisfactory."
The Buddhist word to describe this unsatisfactoriness is dukkha. Dukkha is dis-ease. It describes times when things don't go the way we want them to go.
We much prefer sukha, which Tenzin writes means: ease, pleasure, everything going nicely; a sense of things going smoothly.
During the holiday season it becomes more difficult to handle our feelings of dissatisfaction. We feel peer pressure to be in the holiday mood. But what if this is the first or second year that our loved one is not at the table? What if we don't have enough money? What if we are just not in the mood?
Buddha's first noble truth is "Life is suffering."
Christians sometimes give the impression that if you pray enough, believe in God, and do all the right things, there won't be suffering. I believed that for many years. When things didn't go the way I wanted them to, I figured it was my fault.
While I still remain wedded to my Christian roots, Buddhism has helped me be more comfortable with the unsatisfactory parts of life.
Alex Lickerman***, MD., cites a growing body of research that shows our expectations profoundly influence how we experience life. If we are warned that an experience will be unpleasant, we find it easier to tolerate.
If we know there will be dissatisfaction in our lives no matter what we do, perhaps when something untoward happens, we won't blame ourselves. We will know that this discomfort is part of being alive. We can seek help. We can be gentle with ourselves.
It is a paradox: knowing we will suffer - we suffer less. It seems a mystery to me. Let me know what you think about life being unsatisfactory. Is this your experience? Is this a comfort or not?
Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall
*While touring India in 2004, I had the honor of meeting with Tenzin. With great temerity I approached her with my camera and inquired if it would be possible for me to photograph her. She reluctantly but graciously agreed. Look for her picture in a separate email this week. Be sure to look at her hands.
**Into The Heart of Life, Jetsunma Tenzin Palmo (2011).
***The Undefeated Mind: On the Science of Constructing an Indestructible Self, Alex Lickerman, MD. (2012)
Special note: It is necessary visit the blog to make comments. Click on exploring the mystery below to access it. See Post dated November 8 for full instructions.
Here's a thought from Tensen: "The first sign of existence is dissatisfaction. Life as we normally lead it in our confused and very disturbed manner is not satisfactory."
The Buddhist word to describe this unsatisfactoriness is dukkha. Dukkha is dis-ease. It describes times when things don't go the way we want them to go.
We much prefer sukha, which Tenzin writes means: ease, pleasure, everything going nicely; a sense of things going smoothly.
During the holiday season it becomes more difficult to handle our feelings of dissatisfaction. We feel peer pressure to be in the holiday mood. But what if this is the first or second year that our loved one is not at the table? What if we don't have enough money? What if we are just not in the mood?
Buddha's first noble truth is "Life is suffering."
Christians sometimes give the impression that if you pray enough, believe in God, and do all the right things, there won't be suffering. I believed that for many years. When things didn't go the way I wanted them to, I figured it was my fault.
While I still remain wedded to my Christian roots, Buddhism has helped me be more comfortable with the unsatisfactory parts of life.
Alex Lickerman***, MD., cites a growing body of research that shows our expectations profoundly influence how we experience life. If we are warned that an experience will be unpleasant, we find it easier to tolerate.
If we know there will be dissatisfaction in our lives no matter what we do, perhaps when something untoward happens, we won't blame ourselves. We will know that this discomfort is part of being alive. We can seek help. We can be gentle with ourselves.
It is a paradox: knowing we will suffer - we suffer less. It seems a mystery to me. Let me know what you think about life being unsatisfactory. Is this your experience? Is this a comfort or not?
Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall
*While touring India in 2004, I had the honor of meeting with Tenzin. With great temerity I approached her with my camera and inquired if it would be possible for me to photograph her. She reluctantly but graciously agreed. Look for her picture in a separate email this week. Be sure to look at her hands.
**Into The Heart of Life, Jetsunma Tenzin Palmo (2011).
***The Undefeated Mind: On the Science of Constructing an Indestructible Self, Alex Lickerman, MD. (2012)
Special note: It is necessary visit the blog to make comments. Click on exploring the mystery below to access it. See Post dated November 8 for full instructions.
Friday, November 16, 2012
Are You Rash or Reckless? - #46
What do you think - was tackling the word emptiness last week actually an act of temerity?
Yes, I'd say it was if we define temerity as boldness. Not so much if we define it as rash or reckless.
Giggling to myself and rolling my eyes, I am flabbergasted because the preceding two lines insist on their own font size. No matter what I do, they do their own thing! The audaciousness (a possible substitute for temerity) of these sentences!Last week we explored the emptiness that many of us experience as we let go of old patterns. It can be a shock to have these empty feelings at the same time that we are celebrating new ways of being.
Bob Klein* informs us that when he uses the phrase, "melting ice", he means the melting of mental programming. This been-with-us-for-a-long-time programming wants us to stay the same. It warns us that the change we are contemplating is rash or reckless.
Bob suggests that when we let go of this type of programming, the world becomes fluid and creative. I like thinking of my stubborn patterns dissolving and flowing away like ice melting.
During this Thanksgiving week, thank yourself for wrestling with these mysterious issues. You are in good company. Celebrate your temerity at increasing your capacity for tolerating uncomfortable feelings!
Thanks to all who made comments last week. If you haven't checked out the comments sections, be sure to do so. I'd love to hear what you are thankful for this year and what questions you have. In order to comment you have to go to the blog: www.NickyMendenhall.blogspot.com. What is the last rash or reckless thing you tried?
Thanks for exploring the mystery with me. Nicky Mendenhall
*You can learn more about Bob Klein by visiting his website: www.movementsofmagic.com.
Note - For instructions on making a comment, scroll until you find the post for November 8.
Friday, November 9, 2012
Emptiness - Full of Agony or Pregnant with Allure? - # 45
Special Note To Readers: There is one unfamiliar-to-me word (besides the "E" word) in today's post that I wish to add to my vocabulary. Kudos to first reader who identifies it in the Comments section and uses it in a sentence.
As time passes and my awareness level increases, I face a paradox: the more emptiness I allow myself to experience, the fuller my life becomes.
Elizabeth Mattis-Namgyel* suggests that the "E" word is a "packed" word; a word that takes considerable effort to understand.
So it is with temerity that we approach the "E" word.
Let's begin by asking what happens when our internal structures, the rules and ideas that have guided us for most of our lives, no longer make sense to us.
For me, the belief that there was a right way and a right answer has been a mainstay in my life. As this way of thinking about and being in the world begins to unravel, I face a vast open space.
This type of emptiness, experienced when the old becomes no longer feasible and the new is not yet established, can be a dark place full of confusion and anxiety.
This is because in emptiness, we come face to face with unwanted feelings and emotions. Many of us keep ourselves frantically busy so we don't have to deal with these emotions. I can tell when I'm not wanting to deal with something by the importance I place on attaining perfection in any task that is before me.
We often fail to realize that working with fears and insecurities, instead of ignoring them, is the way we move from one developmental stage to another.
"Emptiness signifies possibility," Elizabeth writes. It is likely one possibility for us will be increased authenticity.
Emptiness gives room for new things to arise.
Slowing down and finding space (emptiness) is not for the faint of heart.
This week, pay attention. Don't fill up the empty places too fast. Wander around in them and see what you can learn. Let me know what you discover.
Thanks for exploring the mystery with me - Nicky Mendenhall
*Elizabeth Mattis-Namgyel, The Power of an Open Question, 2011, pp. 43-44.
As time passes and my awareness level increases, I face a paradox: the more emptiness I allow myself to experience, the fuller my life becomes.
Elizabeth Mattis-Namgyel* suggests that the "E" word is a "packed" word; a word that takes considerable effort to understand.
So it is with temerity that we approach the "E" word.
Let's begin by asking what happens when our internal structures, the rules and ideas that have guided us for most of our lives, no longer make sense to us.
For me, the belief that there was a right way and a right answer has been a mainstay in my life. As this way of thinking about and being in the world begins to unravel, I face a vast open space.
This type of emptiness, experienced when the old becomes no longer feasible and the new is not yet established, can be a dark place full of confusion and anxiety.
This is because in emptiness, we come face to face with unwanted feelings and emotions. Many of us keep ourselves frantically busy so we don't have to deal with these emotions. I can tell when I'm not wanting to deal with something by the importance I place on attaining perfection in any task that is before me.
We often fail to realize that working with fears and insecurities, instead of ignoring them, is the way we move from one developmental stage to another.
"Emptiness signifies possibility," Elizabeth writes. It is likely one possibility for us will be increased authenticity.
Emptiness gives room for new things to arise.
Slowing down and finding space (emptiness) is not for the faint of heart.
This week, pay attention. Don't fill up the empty places too fast. Wander around in them and see what you can learn. Let me know what you discover.
Thanks for exploring the mystery with me - Nicky Mendenhall
*Elizabeth Mattis-Namgyel, The Power of an Open Question, 2011, pp. 43-44.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Bonus Bonus Post
Dear exploring the mystery fans,
One of my favorite people just let me know he was having trouble finding the comments section. This is not at all a puerile issue (as he feared). Locating the comments section isn't as straightforward as I have been making it sound.
The secret to accessing the comments section: go to the blog. You can't locate comments from the email itself.
Here's how to get to the blog:
Scroll to the bottom of any email you receive from exploring the mystery.
On the bottom of this email you will see a phrase: You are subscribed to email updates from exploring the mystery
Clicking on the underlined section will take you directly to the blog!
When you arrive at the blog - you will see color! Scroll down to where it says comments. Sometimes it will say No comments. Click on either one and like magic (there I go being puerile) a box will pop up where you can write your comment. You can preview if you like.
Push Publish when you are finished. You won't see it instantly as this is a moderated blog which means it is emailed to me for approval before it goes live on the blog.
The learning curve for technology is steep but it is part of exploring the mystery! I'm eager to read your contribution to the puerile discussion. While you are there, you can enjoy other people's comments.
Have fun!
Nicky Mendenhall
One of my favorite people just let me know he was having trouble finding the comments section. This is not at all a puerile issue (as he feared). Locating the comments section isn't as straightforward as I have been making it sound.
The secret to accessing the comments section: go to the blog. You can't locate comments from the email itself.
Here's how to get to the blog:
Scroll to the bottom of any email you receive from exploring the mystery.
On the bottom of this email you will see a phrase: You are subscribed to email updates from exploring the mystery
Clicking on the underlined section will take you directly to the blog!
When you arrive at the blog - you will see color! Scroll down to where it says comments. Sometimes it will say No comments. Click on either one and like magic (there I go being puerile) a box will pop up where you can write your comment. You can preview if you like.
Push Publish when you are finished. You won't see it instantly as this is a moderated blog which means it is emailed to me for approval before it goes live on the blog.
The learning curve for technology is steep but it is part of exploring the mystery! I'm eager to read your contribution to the puerile discussion. While you are there, you can enjoy other people's comments.
Have fun!
Nicky Mendenhall
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Bonus Post - Puerile
To exploring the mystery devotees, the word in post 44 that begs and whines and pesters to be acknowledged and used.................
Puerile
1. of or pertaining to a child or to childhood
2. childishly foolish; immature or trivial: a puerile piece of writing.
Would you please take a moment to craft a sentence using puerile and post it in the comments section? I want this word to sink in and be available to me.
Thanks for your help!
Puerile
1. of or pertaining to a child or to childhood
2. childishly foolish; immature or trivial: a puerile piece of writing.
Would you please take a moment to craft a sentence using puerile and post it in the comments section? I want this word to sink in and be available to me.
Thanks for your help!
Friday, November 2, 2012
And Now For Something Completely Different - #44
Were you surprised at the word egregious in last week's post title?
Your author was.
Reading Naifeh and Smith's biography of Van Gogh has me gob smacked at their extensive vocabulary.
If you agree that a new word in your arsenal is concomitant to money in the bank, you will be delighted at exploring the mystery's new feature:
Each post will include a word that is new to me or a word that is familiar but one I've never made my own. If you read the entire post and don't find a new word, or a word you want to know more about, consider providing a word in the comments section for me to use in the future.
On the other hand, if you don't feel a need to increase your stable of words, you have permission to skip over words you don't recognize - likely you won't miss much.
If, however, you exult when you spot an unfamiliar word, write it on a napkin. Stuff it in your pocket. Pull it out when your memory fails you. Say it every chance you can during the week. (Special note: If it's a paper napkin, remove from pocket before placing in the dirty clothes basket.)
This week I've been proclaiming to anyone who will listen: "The political commercials are egregious."
If you felt too puerile to look egregious up last week, let me assist you: egregious is an adjective that means (according to my amazonkindle dictionary): Outstandingly bad; shocking.
Have a boisterous celebration of your vocabulary this week.
As always, thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall
Your author was.
Reading Naifeh and Smith's biography of Van Gogh has me gob smacked at their extensive vocabulary.
If you agree that a new word in your arsenal is concomitant to money in the bank, you will be delighted at exploring the mystery's new feature:
Each post will include a word that is new to me or a word that is familiar but one I've never made my own. If you read the entire post and don't find a new word, or a word you want to know more about, consider providing a word in the comments section for me to use in the future.
On the other hand, if you don't feel a need to increase your stable of words, you have permission to skip over words you don't recognize - likely you won't miss much.
If, however, you exult when you spot an unfamiliar word, write it on a napkin. Stuff it in your pocket. Pull it out when your memory fails you. Say it every chance you can during the week. (Special note: If it's a paper napkin, remove from pocket before placing in the dirty clothes basket.)
This week I've been proclaiming to anyone who will listen: "The political commercials are egregious."
If you felt too puerile to look egregious up last week, let me assist you: egregious is an adjective that means (according to my amazonkindle dictionary): Outstandingly bad; shocking.
Have a boisterous celebration of your vocabulary this week.
As always, thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)