Peregrine Ponders Paradox

Post 161 explored the merits of subtraction and expansion. The dynamic tension between these two ways of creating satisfaction in life brought to mind the word paradox.  While trying to decide whether or not it really was a paradox, the following quote jumped out at me:

"Perhaps the greatest paradox in the human psyche is our longing for union, for peace, for solutions, though experience has taught us that it is our conflicts and our failures which are in fact our points of growth."*

In Post 161, I would say the paradox is that both subtracting and expanding, seeming opposites, give positive results. 

In the above definition, the paradox is that though we long for the "good" stuff, thinking it will make us grow and transform, it is really the "bad" stuff that transforms us.

Do you agree there is something mysterious about paradox that deserves exploration?  

Do you have a different definition of paradox?

Do you have an example of a paradox?

Please share with me/us by replying to this message or visit this link by clicking here: www.nickymendenhall.blogspot.com  

Thanks for exploring the mystery of paradox with me. 
                                                        Nicky Mendenhall

*Quote found in Into The Heart of the Feminine by Massimilla Harris, Ph.D. and Bud Harris, Ph.D. attributed to Irene Claremont de Castillejo.

Photo: Several or you mentioned you couldn't see a cat in the last picture. Peregrine is a trauma survivor which is why he was hiding under the red plastic curtain in his safe house.

The Odd Couple: Subtraction & Expansion - #161

One of my favorite blogs, "The Ancient Wisdom Project,"* published a post Thursday with a sentence that caught my attention:

"Attaining pleasure is largely a matter of subtraction."

This brought to mind the satisfied feeling that arose after enlisting my friend Mary to help organize my closet. We gave away or threw away old clothes or clothes that didn't make me feel good. The next morning, even though there was less in my closet, I felt pleasure. 

Later on Thursday, while continuing to mull the merits of subtraction, I listened to Daily Dharma Gathering speaker, Nick Kranz.**

His topic: "Chaos & Expansion: Our Pain Threshold Examined."

The idea he presented, as I understood it, was how managing pain by enlarging the area you focus on works. Expand your focus; include more he encouraged.

While falling asleep that night, I experienced "an itch that hurt" on my left big toe. I scratched offending toe, first on the on the top of it and then on the bottom. Nothing changed, it still itched and hurt.  

Remembering Kranz's suggestion, I stopped focusing just on the left big toe and focused instead on all my toes, then on my whole foot, then my entire leg, finally my body. Then imagining my body cradled in a rocking boat, I fell asleep.  

Thursday was a day of subtracting and expanding. Each direction needs further exploration. Which direction do you move towards naturally?

Please let me/us know by replying to this email or going to www.nickymendenhall.blogspot.com

*http://theancientwisdomproject.com/
**http://mindfulinthemidst.com
Photograph received in Portland, OR., illustrating how two households merge into one by following the principle of subtraction. Peregrine, (the cat) focuses on safety while hiding under the red covered table.

Mid Week: Life in a Cocoon

"Cocooning isolates and protects one from harsh, dangerous, or disturbing realities especially by remaining indoors at home in one's free time."*

During my junior year of high school, my career goal was to become a missionary in Africa. Knowing what I know now, I would wager my religious fervor was less about saving souls and more about escaping Iowa. Mom said my weak constitution made it too risky to travel to Africa

Sixteen years later my wanderlust was reignited when offered the opportunity to see eight countries in eleven days. To accept this once-in-a-lifetime trip meant leaving my month-old newborn with his grandparents. At risk was attachment to my new son. This time Mom said go see the world; she & Dad would keep both my children. 

During the next thirty-five years, travel was a vital part of my life.  

Now, when home for a period of time, my comfortable routine is becoming harder and harder to leave. 

My growing attachment is to being comfortable. This is a new attachment and it is not one that feels well - entirely comfortable!

The purpose of life is not just to be comfortable - is it? 

Tell me your thoughts about your cocoon if you have one. How do you roust yourself out of it to go have adventures? Are you attached to being comfortable?

Email me or go to the comments section. I really need to hear from you!

*Webster's online New World College Dictionary.

Photo received at the Greater Des Moines Botanical Garden, 
May 9, 2015.

Mid Week: Do You Have A Wanting Mind?

Our attachment to a person may lead us to cling to them. 

When we are attached to an idea, we may grasp onto it and try to prove it is the best idea.

Qualities of clinging and grasping are what Buddhists call "wanting mind." 

According to Ronald A. Alexander, Ph.D., the problem is that wanting mind is rooted in the incorrect belief that something outside of ourselves is the key to lasting happiness.*

Wanting mind has the qualities of:
 - longing, wishing, pining, yearning 
 - hunger or cravings
 - sexual desires, cravings, or addictions
 - greed, emptiness, and constant wanting
 - envy or jealousy, competitiveness
 - resentment
 - an aversion to losing control and having to surrender the will of the ego

What we truly need in order to quiet the wanting mind is unconditional love for ourselves and self-acceptance.

We all have wanting mind. Remembering that happiness cannot be found outside of ourselves but only within is vital.  

How do you work with your wanting mind? What do you do that gives you satisfaction in spite of wanting mind? How do you love yourself?

Please let me know by email or go to the comment section.  
The next blog post will be June 2, 2015.

*Ronald A. Alexander, Ph. D., Wise Mind, Open Mind (2008).

Image received when visiting Iowa Acupuncture Clinic.

Who Are You Going To Be Intimate With? - #160

Koshin Paley presented a talk for the Daily Dharma Gathering on 5/13/2015. His subject: "One Moment, One Chance: A Zen Approach to Living and Dying."  His sparkling eyes, boyish grin, and mischievous manner captivated me immediately.

Koshin, according to his website, co-founded the New York Center for Contemplative Care and is a Senior Zen Priest.    

His first question to the Gathering: "Are you doing what you really want to be doing?"

His question roused the spirit of judgmentalness in me. Oh no, I thought, not another rehash of Joseph Campbell's famous line, follow your bliss.

Luckily my fears were unfounded.  He continued:

"The more intimate we get with old age, sickness, and death, the more joyful we become."

Now I don't presume to fully explain this. My hope is that our consultant will give us some guidance.

The best I can do is to speculate that the more we feel all of life, the more empathy and compassion will arise within us. If we feel our uncomfortable feelings as well as our comfortable ones, we have a chance of understanding what it means to be intimate with things we normally fear.

I know - it sounds mysterious but remember - we are here to explore mysteries. 

What would it mean to you to be intimate with old age, sickness, and death? 

Which of these is the most repulsive to you? 

Let us know in the Comments or reply to this email.

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

Are You Attached To Your Definition of Grief?

"I do not think the goal of grieving is to 'get closure' with its connotations of completion, resolution and finality. Rather, I believe the act of grieving whenever loss is felt anew develops a synthesizing sense of self that is strong enough to meet and withstand the tragedies of life and learn its aesthetic truths. Clearly, not something done once and for all, as society would have us believe."*

 'Synthesizing sense of self' is a phrase that gives me a felt sense of what Jeanette means, not a rational definition I can put into words. If you can define 'synthesizing sense of self', please share your words with us in the comment section or email me.

Also let us know what the goal of grieving is in your mind. How does the above quote differ from the Kubler-Ross model that describes the stages of grief?

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

*Jeanette Wright, The Art Of Attention: Chronicles of an Imagery-Oriented Psychotherapist, Book One: On Developing The Capacity For Self-Understanding (2005).

Photo received in OR. It was a grand old tree, one of many.

Another Attachment To Explore - #159

The Sniffles plaque, spotted on a recent trip to OR, brought to mind attachment. I am assuming Sniffles was someone's beloved fifteen year old cat. What do you think?

Currently there are no pets in my house. I remember with an aching heart the pain when as a child, Dad shot my dog Yippie because Yippie was breaking eggs and killing chickens. 

Since thankfully I didn't see it happen, and no one told me why my best friend wasn't around anymore, I found out the truth when Mom couldn't keep the terrible secret any longer.

I could have used the Rainbow Bridge.

According to Google (what did we do without it?), the Rainbow Bridge is a place between here and heaven where a reunion takes place between the owner and pet that died.

I remember the close bond that Yippee and I shared. I was attached to him. Maybe the reason pets are so important to us is that when we form an attachment to them, they are usually ready and willing to meet our needs and relieve our anxieties.

Barry Magid writes that our self-involvement, narcissistic vulnerabilities and various inner conflicts all lead us to form unhealthy, neurotic attachments with people.

Do you have attachments with pets? Tell me what it's like if you do. Is Magid correct that attachments with people are more difficult?

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

Ordinary Mind (2005), Barry Magid.

Mid Week: Remember Marina Abramovic? She's Back!

exploring the mystery featured performance artist Marina Abramovic on November 30, 2014. Marina, you might recall, sat silently across from people staring into their eyes. In that post,  I asked: 

Does an artist's work explain the artist's life? 

Now, six months later, one issue of a weekly blog, Brain Pickings, introduced to me by Becky Goldin two years ago, highlighted Marina's contribution to Getting There: A Book of Mentors.

See if you think Marina's words speak to the question I posed in November:

"My parents were both partisans and national heroes. They were very hard-core and were so busy with their careers that I lived with my grandmother until I was six. Until then, I hardly even knew who my parents were. They were just two strange people who would visit on Saturdays and bring presents. 

When I was six, my brother was born, and I was sent back to my parents. From that point on, my childhood was very unhappy. I grew up with incredible control, discipline, and violence at home. Everything was extreme. 

My mother never kissed me. When I asked why, she said, “Not to spoil you, of course.” She had a bacteria phobia so she didn’t allow me to play with other children out of fear that I might catch a disease. She even washed bananas with detergent. 

I spent most of my time alone in my room. There were many, many rules. Everything had to be in perfect order. If I slept messily in bed, my mother would wake me in the middle of the night and order me to sleep straight."

Her words also speak to our study of attachment styles!

Let me know what you think!

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

Our Consultant Keeps Us Thinking! - #158

"All major religions have a spectrum ranging from fundamental, literal beliefs to liberal.  Not all Buddhists believe the same thing any more than all Christians or Jews do: some eat meat, some don't; some drink alcohol, some don't; some believe in literal reincarnation, many don't."

While you are pondering the kitchen sculpture, and wondering how it enhances or detracts from consultant Vicki Goldsmith's quote that hangs out underneath it, consider more words from Vicki:

"Buddhism encourages thinking in an effort to become more compassionate."

It is my hope that readers of exploring the mystery are learning to use the word thinking as a noun. 

May our thinking lead us to compassion in the face of suffering in Nepal, Philadelphia, and Cleveland.

What do you think of "thinking" as a way to develop compassion? 

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

Mid Week Tea Bag Wisdom

I hope you make a habit of taking a moment to savor the bits of wisdom on the tag of your tea bag. Here's a recent one I noticed:

"It is better to to something ridiculously stupid than to be ridiculously boring."

Can you guess who said this? 

DRUM ROLL:

Marilyn Monroe

Do you agree with this advice? I do.

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

Are You Ready For A Story? - #157

Here's a story we can use for beginning to understand the Buddhists definition of detachment:

"Once, an old woman, as an act of charity, undertook to support a monk living in a nearby hermitage. The monk was an austere and seemingly holy fellow who needed very little in the way of food, clothing, or shelter. But after a couple of years the old woman decided to test the monk. 

"She sent her beautiful daughter out to the hermitage and instructed her to put her arms around his neck and ask, "Mr. Monk, do you think I'm beautiful?"

"Well, the monk just sat there impassively, and after a moment said, "A withered tree doesn't notice the change of seasons."

"So the beautiful daughter went back to her mother and told her what the monk had said. Whereupon the old lady went out and burned down his hermitage and drove him away, yelling, 

"I can't believe I've wasted all my hard-earned money on a fraud like you!"

Barry Magid explains in Ordinary Mind (2002 & 2005), that being detached in the neurotic sense, trying to avoid all feeling, and retreating into some unchanging state is not what Buddhists mean by detachment.

Positive detachment centers on the awareness of impermanence. You don't have to give up on the things of the world but accept that they go away. This reminds me of our consultant and her countertops.

As always, I would love to hear from you - I am not detached from my readers. I am learning that the dream of a life without ups and downs is foolish and that emotions give depth to life.

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

Holding On and Letting Go With Our Consultant!

"I think attachment is just a holding on to something with the belief that it can make us happy.  Zen Buddhism is about letting go more than holding on."

These wise words are from our consultant Vicki Goldsmith. When she writes that attachment "is just a holding on," the little word "a" slows me down.

Even though "a holding on" is the opposite of "a letting go" - there are times that we need to hold the tension of opposites. 

My stomach gets anxious when gazing at the down escalator in Von Maur. I imagine the unique combination of letting go and holding on, that is required to get on the escalator, is triggering buried issues that need resolution. 

It is not easy to admit that you are afraid to step on the down escalator. It is humbling. I'm trying to learn from it.

Vicki closes with a helpful question: "What should I do/say/buy/notice this instant, and how can I lessen suffering?"

Is there an example in your life of letting go and holding on at the same time that is a challenge for you? Have you ever had to hold the tension of a pair of opposites? Please share with us your experiences.

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

Does Anyone Tell You What Attachments To Make? - #156

Buddhism is not a belief system. When you become a Buddhist, there is nothing your have to believe. You will be told about the Four Noble Truths and Eight Pieces of Brocade. You don't have to believe this or take a vow that signifies a life long attachment to these precepts (guiding principles).

As a Buddhist, you will be encouraged to see how these precepts work in your life. Do they make sense to you? No one will ask if you believe them.  

In a belief system, like Christianity, you may be asked by a true believer whether you believe in Jesus or perhaps if you have been born again.  

Some Christian churches are not this fundamental. The motto (precepts?) for the large progressive United Church of Christ Christian church to which belong, and would attend more often but for the temptation of the NY Times & now Sunday morning Tai Chi in the park, has the motto: We agree to differ, We resolve to love. We unite to serve.

The Buddhist perspective is that the true seat of the mind is the heart, not the brain. (Note to consultant: I'm not sure what this means or what its implications are. My question is, do you think it is true?)

According to Pew Research Center in 2012, there were nearly 500 Million Buddhists (7%) in the world. 

Compare that with 2.2 Billion Christians (32%) and 1.6 billion Muslims (23%). If you Google these figures you will find they vary according to source. These figures are from 2012. 

Photo is from Burtynsky's Water exhibit that we explored last year. It captures a few of the 1 Billion Hindus (15%)

I'm floating out the idea that the more we believe, the more attached we become. What do you think readers? What do you think consultant?

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

NOTE - If you know any Buddhists that would like to join our discussion or anyone you think would enjoy these posts, please forward to them. 

Exploring The Mystery Hires A Consultant!

    

I'm excited to continue our exploration of the Buddhist view of attachment.  Excited but wondering who on earth I think I am to undertake such a venture. 

As the fog in my mind cleared, it became evident that I'm a person who needs a consultant!  A person knowledgeable about Buddhism. A person who practices meditation. Vicki Goldsmith, a Buddhist who has meditated since the flood of 1993, fits both those requirements.  I emailed her.

"Oh, sure, Nicky.  I'd love to help.  People sometimes think non attachment means not caring about anything or anyone, but it is about not basing your happiness on that connection, on realizing the impermanence of that thing or relationship. 

I am buying countertops right now, and I love the pattern I've chosen, but I have to stay aware that if the house burns down, I'll be fine without the countertops."

Thank you Vicki! If you have questions for Vicki - send them to me by replying to this email. We will continue to learn more in the next few posts.

Thanks for exploring the mystery of Buddhism -  N. Mendenhall

Attachment: Stressful and Unsatisfactory - #155

The St. Patrick's Day post promised attachment from the Buddhist perspective. Let's see what we can learn.

The Buddha's first sermon outlined Four Noble Truths. 

The First Noble Truth informs us that life is "Dukkha" - Dukkha a Pali word often translated as suffering. More modern translations prefer the words stressful or unsatisfactory.  

Why do Buddhists believe life is unsatisfactory?

The Second Noble Truth answers that question with our word attachment! When we are attached to people or things and they change or die, we are stressed and dissatisfied.  We suffer.

Our tendency as humans is to become attached to things we like.  If you've been paying attention you know that everything ends and everything changes.

The photo: Tulip petals from gift bouquet for Easter.  

What does that have to do with Buddhism? Easter is a Christian holiday isn't it?

The petals represent impermanence, an important concept for Buddhists.  

Is your life satisfactory? Are you stressed? What do you think of the idea that life is unsatisfactory/suffering? Do you like this definition of attachment? Let us know by replying to this email or going to the blog and making a comment.


Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

Tolerating Physical Symptoms

I'm still reading The Body Keeps The Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk, M.D. It has been a helpful resource for our series on attachment. Bessel also offers advice on managing pain.

I'm paying attention to that part right now. 

The tradition at my church Easter Sunday is for the minister to invite members of the congregation, who so desire, to walk down front and sing the Alleluia Chorus with the esteemed Chancel Choir.  

I'm a soprano and to my surprise, some of the alleluias were higher this year. Hold your mouth open as if you are going to sing alleluia. See how it stretches your jaw? I wasn't able to hit the highest notes but I had to look like I was hitting the highest notes. My mouth was stretched wide open even when no sound was coming out.  

After church, Easter dinner. To chew ham was difficult enough but forcing a malted-milk-ball-Easter-egg into my mouth was even more difficult. The second egg harder than the first!

I began to recognize TMJ symptoms.

In order to cope, I'm using Bessel's advice to manage pain. He calls pain, a sensation. 

If Bessel were here he would say: "Nicky - you need to tolerate your physical sensations for what they are - just sensations in the present, with a beginning, a middle, and an end."

He would help me stay calm enough to notice what I felt without judgment. Without catastrophizing. Without beating myself up for not feeling 100%. 

Next time you have a physical symptom, hear Bessel's voice (or mine) encouraging you to tolerate your physical sensation for what it is - just a sensation in the present, with a beginning, a middle, and an end.

Right now it is Tuesday morning. I woke up with my jaw sensations and a new one: the sensation that I didn't publish this last night. This was affirmed when it didn't come into my inbox this morning. I don't know when Feedburner will send this out.

Whenever you receive this, send me and my jaw healing energy. 

Thanks for exploring the mystery of sensations - Nicky Mendenhall

Is Attachment Up Close & Personal? - #154

"The closer you get to anything, the less personal it becomes."

Thus says Michael Stone,* a wise teacher who spoke on April Fool's Day as part of the Daily Dharma series.  Let's see if we can unpack this sentence (I've always wanted to say that!) and make sure it wasn't an April Fool's joke.

When a relationship becomes more intimate, closer=less personal looks like:  

 ...... the less you think about who the other is or who you are. Michael says that the closer you are to another person, the less that person has to do for you. I'm not sure I understand that.

If you are a meditator, closer=less personal may exhibit as: 

......the more you feel your breath in your body as you are meditating, the less you think. Breathing becomes a function of the natural world. You don't have to think about the breath, it just is.

When you get closer to your body, closer=less personal might mean:

......your body feels just like A body - not your body.

Does it make sense to you that closer=less personal ? Michael says the purpose of this idea is to help us feel more intimate with our day to day experience. It can help us be more embodied. Most of us, myself included, spend way too much time in our heads.

I know from my experience that when I pay attention to my body, my experience has a different character.  

My massage therapist Kate Teas didn't like Michael's word personal and suggested that we change it to "in the now." This makes sense to me - when you are really with someone, there is nothing but the present moment. The closer I get to another, the more in the now I am. Being in the now isn't personal, it just is.

I wonder how closer=less personal fits with what we learned in the last post -  things come together quietly and things make noise when they break apart? 

I would love to hear from you. exploring the mystery alone is not as much fun as having a passel of friends throwing in their ideas!

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

*MichaelStoneteaching.com

Nepo' s Recipe For Attachment

"The truth is that this is how we evolve inwardly: by separating and rejoining, each time rearranging who we are....."*

Beyond Awakening's 100th interview on Sunday featured poet Mark Nepo. I remembered purchasing a book by Nepo several years ago, reading part of it, putting it on the shelf. I wondered what I would think now.

Making time to listen to Terry Patten interview Nepo appealed to me. Maybe there would be insights into attachment. I believe Nepo spoke of attachment without using the word. 

Here's a paraphrase of what I heard; see if it speaks to you of attachment:

"Things come together quietly; when they fall apart, they make a lot of noise."  

Attachment, according to the two Nepo quotes, may be as much about separation as it is about togetherness. What do you think? Do you need spaces in your attachments? If you need space, how do you go about getting it?

Please reply to this email or go to the blog by clicking on underlined exploring the mystery below or click on the word comment. I'm getting attached to hearing from you!


Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

*Mark Nepo, The Exquisite Risk (2005).

Balancing Act: Autonomy & Belonging - #153

exploring the mystery cannot be accused of ignoring attachment as an important component of life. If your sense of autonomy has been begging for recognition: relief follows!

You may recognize a portion of the following quote from a previous blog. If you do, congratulate yourself for remembering - this is a great quote to have in your heart:

"We are not here to fit in, be well balanced, or provide exempla for others.

"We are here to be eccentric, different, perhaps strange, perhaps merely to add our small piece, our little clunky, chunky selves, to the great mosaic of being.............

"We are here to become more and more ourselves."*

If your attachments/relationships encourage you to become more and more yourself, congratulate yourself once again. Regardless of where you are now in your life, keep working to make autonomy and belonging, separateness and attachment balance!

Is it more difficult to be yourself when you are in a relationship? Please let me know by replying to this email or going to the blog by clicking on exploring the mystery at the bottom of this page.

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

*What Matters Most: Living a More Considered Life by James Hollis, PH. D.

Photo materialized in my kitchen recently. Similar to the Buddhist practice of making beautiful sand mandalas, and then sweeping them away, this sculpture is no longer in existence.  

Midweek: Why Do We Live Disembodied?

A creative exploring the mystery reader suggests our first attachment may be  to our body - not to our parents.  Go to blog comment section March 10, 2015, to read her thinking.

Attachment suggests connection. When we are attached to someone or something, we spend time making certain the person or object is safe. If our first attachment is to our body, why do many of us struggle with, and many times fail, our attempts to care for our bodies?

Most of us, self included, spend our waking life in our minds, intellects, or heads (whatever label you choose). This interferes with our ability to feel our feelings. 

Disappointment can be a path to our emotions. We don't get to know feelings by thinking, we get to know feelings by feeling. Feelings need exercise.  

Anger is one feeling that I don't exercise very often. Longtime readers will remember when threats of the emerald ash bore led to a plan by the Homeowners Association to cut down perfectly healthy trees in my yard. 

My first response to the news was disappointment. I would miss these trees, I commune with them every day. Staying with the disappointment, feelings of powerlessness appeared. Not liking the feeling of powerlessness, anger erupted from a deep place inside me  The anger helped me speak up and save the trees.   

Does your mind get in the way of exercising your feelings? Do you have ideas about our first attachment? Please let me know in an email or in the comment section. BTW, I use emotion and feelings to refer to the same thing in this post.

Thank you for exploring the mystery of attachment
                                                                     - Nicky Mendenhall

The photo (and the camel photo last post) is from a feeling engendering photo exhibit at The World Food Prize building, downtown Des Moines. I am currently unable to locate the name of the photographer.  

You Gotta Have Attachments! - #152

"The need for attachment never lessens," writes Bessel Van Der Kolk, in one of my favorite new books: The Body Keeps the Score (2014).

In our daily lives, we watch people attach to others through work, friendships, and family. Humans cannot tolerate being disengaged from others for very long. Of course this varies depending on the person's attachment style.

Bessel* writes that people who cannot bond with others, in the ordinary ways listed above, find other ways: illnesses, lawsuits, or family feuds. He continues: "Anything is preferable to that godforsaken sense of irrelevance and alienation.".

This is not permission to blame people who exhibit these less than optimal strategies. Remember, people don't choose these strategies consciously. 

Life is challenging when you enjoy positive attachments; think what it would be like to be lonely.  As we move into the spring season, people come out of their winter hibernation. Greet each person you meet with kindness and compassion.

As for the camels, I've decided that once in awhile I'll use an image I love but that doesn't necessarily reference the post. The challenge is for you to make a connection - then let me know. We will create meaning together! Keep me posted on your view of attachments and remember if you are riding a camel, be attached!

Thanks for continuing to explore the mystery of attachments - 
                                                               Nicky Mendenhall



*I take the liberty of using Van Der Kolk's first name after hearing his personable presentation for NICABM

MidWeek: Good News About Attachment Styles

Our exploration of attachment will initially focus on the psychological meaning of attachment. Exploring Buddhist ways of thinking about attachment will be in future posts. 

Psychologists describe attachment as exhibiting four styles: secure, avoidant, anxious, and disorganized.

All of us want to be persons with secure attachment; not all of us are that lucky.  Bowlby* (1988) believes a person with secure attachments will "feel bold in his explorations of the world."

The formula for secure attachment: 

Being seen, understood, met, and loved as we truly are.**

Don't worry, research now tells us that if as a child you aren't lucky enough to receive these from your caregivers, you don't have to be saddled with a less functional attachment style forever. 

Insecure attachment (and anxious and disorganized attachment) is subject to change! 

The good news: what happens to us in childhood can be modified.

Scientist now know neuroplasticity makes it possible for neural networks to shift and change and as they do, attachment styles can be modified.

Next post will continue to explore attachment in all its complexity. If you have questions or comments, I would be pleased to hear them. Email me or (let's see if it works this time) go to bottom and click on exploring the mystery that is underlined. This will take you to the blog. Scroll up and down to find the comment box.

In case you are wondering - here is the answer to the quiz last week: "a" or "b" or "a&b". It turns out there could be no wrong answer. 

Thanks exploring the mystery of attachment -  Nicky Mendenhall

*Bowlby quoted in A Psychotherapy of Love (2010), Firman & Gila, page 32.

**Attachment sections (I lost the page & I want to go to bed!) in The Neuroscience of Psychotherapy (2010), Cozolino.

Attached to Attachment - #151

If you visited the comment section* of exploring the mystery this week, you already know the meaning of the word attachment varies depending on its context.

Regardless of whether or not you understand the complexities of the word attachment, please choose a or b in exploring the mystery's first quiz:

The Dalai Lama, the spiritual leader of the Tibetan people, would agree with which of the following definitions:

a. Attachment refers to the nature of our interactions with others.  

OR

b. Attachment refers to an unhealthy tendency to project good qualities onto people and then cling to them, expecting they will bring happiness.

FYI: a and b are both bonafide definitions of attachment. 

Do you choose a or b?

And the next question - which definition do you want to explore first? 

If you have a preference, email me by replying to this message, letting me know if you are more interested in exploring the "nature of interactions" or exploring the dynamics of "projecting and clinging".  

Thanks 4 exploring the mystery of attachment - Nicky Mendenhall

*At the bottom of this post you will see Comments. Click on it to go to the blog, then scroll up and down to see the comments. While there you can enter your comment or read other comments.

**HH is a nickname for the Dalai Lama. I learned this while traveling in India. HH stands for His Holiness.

Midweek: The First Attachment

My maternal grandmother lived in the house pictured above sans red door and decorative circle. 

Our first attachment is to our parents. Our attachment to them is influenced by their attachment to their parents. Norman Fischer, in Taking Our Places,* writes:

"In the end our maturity demands that in accepting our parents we find a way to be grateful to them, no matter how terrible a job they may have done with us."

Fischer continues: "......to accept our parents with gratitude is to accept the world as it actually is and to understand its suffering and confusion with a wide wisdom."

So as we explore attachment to our parents, I hope to keep his wise words in mind. Accepting the world as it actually is - where did you learn to do this?

More to come in Post #151 on attachment. In the meantime, please consider what comes to your mind when you think of the attachments in your life - and tell me, Do you accept the world as it actually is? Let me know what you think and feel. We're going into another complicated mystery!

Thanks for Exploring the Mystery of Attachment - 
                                                                        Nicky Mendenhall

The Secret Life of Attachments: - #150

Today I felt a pain in my thigh as my massage therapist was working on my legs. I asked, "What is that?" She answered, "An attachment."

In the lovely relaxed atmosphere of her office, free association took over: I have an attachment to my husband and three sons and their families, my two stepdaughters and their families, eating organic food, being surrounded by beauty, watching the sunset. 

Then, like the unwanted previews on Netflix DVD's, my less wholesome attachments began parading across the screen: my need to have decisions settled and decided right now, my need to be on time, my need to know everything. 

The pain in my thigh was related to an attachment. Does attachment often lead to pain?

I wanted to write about this today as it was fresh on my mind. The more I mulled it over, the more I suspected that attachments are mysteries to explore and that the subject is not going to be closed in one blog post. 

More exploration of this is needed.

What are you attached to - both on the positive and less flattering side? Please let me know on the comment section on the blog or hit return to this email.

Thanks for exploring the mystery of attachments - 
                                                                    Nicky Mendenhall
Photo captured while waiting for green flash purported to happen when sun dips into the ocean. San Diego, CA.

Rilke Recommends Insecurity

It's Midweek - time for a word from Rilke. 

Today's reading, titled 'Not Prisoners' from A Year With Rilke, made me question whether I focus too much on security. As I age, I want to try new things - go in all the rooms of my house but I find myself being more reluctant and afraid. 

Will I have the courage to explore the mystery? Do you try new activities or do you settle in and do the same things over and over with the same people?

And another quick midweek comment - as winter goes on and on, I am beginning to feel a bit like a prisoner. Are you ready for a change of season? I am!

Now here's Rilke to explain what rooms and prisons I mean:

"If we imagine our being as a room of any size, it seems that most of us know only a single corner of that room, a spot by the window, a narrow strip on which we keep walking back and forth. That gives a kind of security. But isn't insecurity with all its dangers so much more human?

We are not prisoners of that room."*

Tell me what you think about Rilke's conclusion that taking risks is what makes us human and that to be insecure can be liberating.

Thank you for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

The photo is of my CA granddaughter's courage and free spirit.

* A Year With Rilke translated and edited by Joanna Macy & Anita Barrows (2009).