Mid Week: Enjoying Life's Riches....

"There are, after all, far too many pleasures available to be able to sample them all: too many wild and intriguing places to ever visit, people to meet, birds to watch, symphonies to hear, and so on.

" The riches embarrass our poor ability to enjoy them."

This week, I'm sampling the riches of having company without having to make everything perfect. My ability to enjoy is certainly enhanced by not demanding perfection of myself.

The paradoxical thing is - without the pressure of making everything perfect, everything seems nearly perfect!

What helps you enjoy the riches in your life?

Please reply to this email or go to comments section of blog and let me know how you are celebrating the riches in your life!

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

*Robert Michael Pyle

Source: Wintergreen: Listening to the Land's Heart found in Inward & Outward, August 25, 2015.

Is Anything Permanent? - #169

The weather the last few days has been perfect: cool breezes, mild temperatures. moderate humidity, sunny skies. It has been such a pleasure to step outside.

Whenever something pleases me, my desire is for it to last.  

The Buddhist conviction that everything changes and everything ends, informs me the permanency I wish for will not happen.

The saving grace in this conviction? When disappointment, despair, or depression visit, they too will dissipate.

The towel sculpture (Brazil, 2010) was the first time I discovered towels could be used for artistic expression. Today this image reminds me that pleasure is often short lived. 

My resolve is to permanently be in the moment - whatever that moment may be.

Do you want things to never change? Can you think of things that are permanent? In your daily life, do you remember that everything is constantly changing? Is it easy for you to stay in the moment? What gets in your way of being present?

Please share your thoughts about these questions and others you may have by replying to this email or going to the blog and leaving a comment.


Thank you for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

Sometimes It's Simple

Entertaining out-of-town guests in August was simple.  

The post on July 31 (#166) alerted me, and my readers, some of whom would be visitors, of my usual pattern of over-preparing for guests. 

It wasn't easy to admit I worry about  making everything perfect, especially knowing that some of the people reading would be visiting.

I wasn't clear where the reluctance to share my struggle was coming from until later.  It wasn't simple to admit partly because I'm the oldest sister and in addition to that - insecure at times. Sometimes I put pressure on myself and think that I'm to care for everyone with seeming ease and resourcefulness. 

I don't want to need help. Admitting that I am human & struggle leaves me feeling vulnerable.

I'm happy to report the results of being vulnerable were fantastic!

Especially because two of my sisters, who both read blog and came to visit, asked how they could help. They asked in a genuinely supportive way. (I imagine they have always asked but the difference this time was that I felt I didn't have to maintain a picture of effortless hostessing.) I'd already admitted what I was struggling with!

It is  sometimes not so simple to ask for help. It is often easier to pretend that we can handle everything by ourselves.

Is it simple for you to be vulnerable? Do you let people know when you struggle? Can you ask for help?

Please let me know by replying to this email or going to blog comment section. Let's be vulnerable together!

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

Creativity According To Einstein - #168

"Creativity is the residue of time wasted."*

Wednesday, the day exploring the mystery's mid week post featured a design created with rib bones, we served our guests a new batch of our famous, adapted from my brother's recipe, pork ribs baked 250 degrees in aluminum foil for four+ hours.  

It seemed only natural to challenge our guests to create a masterpiece equal to, or one to surpass, the previously published rib bone design image.

We worked diligently. We created memories. We had fun.

We created a tower of rib bones.  

There was residue on my white jeans as a result of the tower toppling as I hovered near it to capture an image for you of this masterpiece.  

This was time we had all carved out of our busy lives to meet and eat and renew our bonds. It was not wasted time.

Are you enjoying the last of the long summer evenings? Are you creating memories? Are you creating giggles amongst your loved ones? What do you do to express your creativity? When is the last time you were silly?

Let us know by replying to this email of making a comment on the blog comment section.

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

* Einstein Quote found in Imagine: How Creativity Works by Jonah Lehrer(2012). Lehrer resigned from the New Yorker for fabricating quotes by Bob Dylan in this book. He also published previously printed work of his own which raised the question of self plagiarism. Be careful when you imagine!

Guess Who Delivered Teabag Wisdom Mid Week?

"Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself."

This saying was attributed to George Bernard Shaw on my most recent Good Earth teabag tag. 

I think his words speak to our current discussion: 

Do we let other people determine our behavior?

Shaw's saying suggests the importance of creating our own response; a response which promotes qualities we value.

This is a complicated subject. Keep letting me/us know what you think. Do you have to make a conscious effort to not give what you are offered but instead give what you want to receive? Are there times when responding rudely would be appropriate?

Thanks for exploring the mystery - 
                                 Nicky Mendenhall

Image: A design we created after a rib dinner a few months ago.  

Wise Words For Us - #167

The post on 8/4/15, described a less than optimal encounter with two CenturyLink technicians. During this experience, Jetsunma Tenzin Palmo's photo on my desktop was unceremoniously knocked on its face.

While placing her upright on my desk, I had a sense she wanted to have a word with us. Here she is writing in first person singular:* 

"Patience can be a problem for me because people are very nice to me. One can get lulled into a false sense of one's own niceness because it is very easy to be pleasant to people who are kind.

"But then, if I walk into an Indian government office, and the officials are obnoxious, then we can see it. Right there it is. Anger has not gone away. 

"Then we can decide either to be rude in return, or we can think, Wow, thank you. This is the opportunity--right now--to transform the situation and not answer back in the obvious way."

This is an excerpt from Into the Heart of Life by Tenzin (2011)

It is my hope that you find her words as helpful as I do!

Is it easier for you to be nice to nice people and more difficult to be nice to rude or obnoxious people? Are  you able to see rudeness as an opportunity for you to practice being who you are no matter what happens?

Thank you for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall 







Her last guest appearance was 11/27/2012. 

Twenty-first CenturyLink Invasion

My landline phone at the office is dead.

Using my US Cellular mobile device, I call CenturyLink. John in Wyoming answers, runs diagnostic protocols on both lines, determines there is a problem. Reports no solution available in Wyoming. "You need a service call," he reports, "in your area, the schedule is booked out several days."

Despite my pleas for faster response time, given the nature of my business, the first available window of time is four days away: noon to five.

Fast forward: At 11:55 AM on designated day, Jimmy John's Freaky Fast delivery car skids to a stop in the parking lot. I'm watching because I'm hungry; this means I see the CenturyLink van arrive.   

I pay for and then devour my rare roast beef with avocado sauce unwich. Twenty minutes later, a tall bearded CenturyLink tech finally arrives in my office scratching his head: "There are no phone lines in this suite!"   

He uses his mobile to call another tech.  While we wait for his backup, his personal investigation begins. He demolishes my desktop, knocking over Jetsunma Tenzin Palmo's picture. He dislocates ceiling tiles which stir up dusty pink bits of insulation which cling to every surface.

When his even more bearded, shorter in stature, longer in hair, side kick stomps in, I snatch the above image as they venture next door. 

The situation called for mindfulness and I did what I could. They did what they could. The lines were restored.

Gathering up equipment, the tall man confided to me his afternoon consisted of twelve troubleshooting calls like this one and that he was tired. He said, "Two more years til retirement  - can't mess up now."  

He looked stressed. As he assured me he would have to bill me, he said he would do what he could to keep the price down;  "but there's only so much I can do."

The good news is that I didn't get totally stressed out. I was able to find some compassion for his situation. I took an observer role which helped me stay somewhat detached and not soak up his anxiety.

Does the Twenty-first Century challenge you? Please share with us by replying to this email or going to the blog.

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

Two Lines, Two Choices: A Chinese Proverb - #166

Tension is who you think you should be. Relaxation is who you are.*                                                  ~ Chinese Proverb The first line of this Chinese proverb describes my usual behavior while guests are flying or driving to my home for a visit.   The second line speaks to my goal for the month of August:  Prepare for guests from ARK, CO, and OR with a sense of relaxed anticipation.   The following words are for me, but you can keep reading if you wish: The house doesn't have to be spotless. The food doesn't have to be gourmet. Everything planned won't meet my (high)expectations. It's alright if I become tired at 9:00 PM. It's alright if I am tired at 9:00 AM. If I'm obnoxious about winning or losing at Pepper, everyone will eventually forgive me. Do you stress about having people in your home? Do you have a perfectionistic part that wants to take over and spoil all the fun? How does tension show up in your body? your mind? Please reply to this email or go to the comments section and let us know what you think. We can help each other! Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall *Proverb from First Sip: Posted: 24 Jul 2015 03:00 AM PDT Image: A Chinese lantern  that caught my eye while on a tour boat in Hong Kong Harbor, March, 2013.

Midweek Mentor From Past

"How falsely a listener may construe what we say if he takes only our words. Our words are often halting and are plainly not what we mean. In back of what we mean on the conscious level, there is almost always a deeper unconscious meaning that is at work. But these unconscious meanings are only dimly felt by the speaker and they do not formulate well in words….

Someone once suggested to me that in every conversation between two people there are always at least six persons present. What each person said are two; what each person meant to say are two more; and what each person understood the other to say are two more." Douglas Steere*

I don't remember what year I met Douglas Steere but I will never forget how impressed I was. He was so present. He was different. He wasn't chatty. He seemed very singular and at peace.

Our meeting was before I was very conscious of consciousness. 

In my imagination, he is my mentor. 

Seeing his name felt like a gift. Do you have a mentor that is primarily in your imagination? Is there someone you met for a brief period who made an impression on you? Do you appreciate the gifts people give you?

Reply to this email or go to the blog comment section.

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

 

* inwardoutwardeditor@gmail.com.,July 16, 2015 featuring Douglas Steere.

We Don't Cry Because We're Sad.....#165

"The moment we cry in a film is not when things are sad but when they turn out to be more beautiful than we expected them to be."*

When I blink back a single tear or when multiple tears overflow and anoint my face, something beautiful has happened and I am surprised.

Many times my tears materialize when leaving a loved one. I remember the first time I ripped myself away from Jonah, my CA grandson. He was two years old. My heart ached as his cute little fingers waved to me. I loved the beautiful relationship we had developed and knew we would soon be separated by many miles.

In Iowa, when I walk on fertile Marshall County dirt, former site of the family farm, tears come & my heart aches for all the beautiful and sad things that happened when we lived on this land. "1526" (see image above) is all that remains of two farmhouses and two sets of farm buildings.

The Welsh word hiraeth** means "distance pain." Sally Mann hopes the evocative word will be preserved. She defines hiraeth as a yearning for the lost places of the past; the pain of loving a place.

She feels a near-umbilical attachment to the South - especially VA. I feel a near-umbilical attachment to Central Iowa. 

And strange as it may seem, I feel a similar pain about India. When Iowa air is humid and has a tropical scent, my mind flies to India. Remembering the sparkling eyes of the people and the vibrant colors. The temples. The cows. Strangely, I felt so at home there. I feel distance pain.

Do you have an umbilical attachment to a place or a person? Please reply to this email or comment on the blog.

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

*Alain de Botton quote. One of those times when I jotted words down, was too lazy to include the source, and could never locate again. If you run across it, let me know!

**Hold Still:A Memoir with Photographs (2015), Sally Mann. I love this book. Borrowed from the Urbandale Library and am having a hard time not ordering my own copy. The pictures are fascinating, her family out of the ordinary, and her writing full of insight.

Mid Week: Do You Have Enough Alone Time?

"How often it is difficult for most of us to give solitude any sort of priority in the kind of life that we live today. How we avoid it; how we are frightened of being alone; how easy it is never to let it happen; there is always something or someone to fill the void, even if it is no more than turning to the radio for company."*

I cherish my alone time. I need alone time. It is an important part of my life. Even so, there are so many activities that interest me that it is easy to become over scheduled. 

Let me know if this is true for you or if being alone is a struggle.How much alone time do you need? 
Reply to this email or go comment section on the blog.

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall





Esther de Waal as quoted in Inward & Outward, June 25, 2015.

What Kind of Mystery Do You Believe In? - #165

My most recent experience of exploring the mystery occurred the day before yesterday. I was in the middle of a MELT session. 

If you are familiar with MELT foot and hand treatment, you know the MELT Method uses a set of rubber balls varying in size and firmness. The balls come with an instruction sheet that describes position-point pressing, shearing, gliding, and rinsing. 

Standing with a large squishy ball at the center of my right foot, I leaned on the bathroom sink. The sink cabinet was on cork floating flooring flush to bathtub (say that fast!); both were across from a small bookcase nestled up to a brand new Kohler toilet. 

What distracted me? It could have been the dryer buzzing or my mind remembering to take something out of the freezer for dinner.

But there was a distraction. The next time I glanced down, the squishy ball had disappeared!

I mean it was NO where to be seen. I got down on my hands and knees. This was a small space so there weren't that many places to look. I put my glasses on. I stood up and looked some more. It was not there. 

Harry Potter's world came to mind. In his world, things actually do disappear. Living with a scientist, I was pretty certain that magic of that sort doesn't happen. Does it?

This mystery was indeed tantalizing. It was a truly mysterious happening that made me pay attention and be in the moment. 

Preparing to leave the bathroom and ponder the mystery, I turned left around a short wall that was on the other side of the Kohler. It was a sharp turn. No where near the ball.  

Then my eyes lit on the ball! It was crouched against the baseboard, almost in the bedroom. There seemed no way this soft squishy ball could have ended up there.

There was disappointment - the ball hadn't really dematerialized.  

But on the other hand, there was comfort in knowing that gravity is something we can really count on!

Maybe we will explore magic in future posts as there are other kinds of magic beside making things dematerialize. The magic of a smile for instance.

I would love to hear what you think about magic.  Thanks for reading and letting me know. Reply to this email or click on the following words: www.nickymendenhall.blogspot.com

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

The image was received when studying wabi sabi. Somehow it seemed to fit with this post. What do you think?

Mid Week: Mark Twain

A few fly bites cannot stop a spirited horse.*

Mark Twain's quote reminds me of insect bites and old fashioned picnics. Hoping you all have a great holiday. exploring the mystery will return on Friday July 17th. (for some reason my all caps function is activated & I am unable to get it to cease and desist. I am not shouting at you!)

*Mark Twain as quoted in

A Network for Grateful Living contact@gratefulness.org via mail166.wdc02.mcdlv.net

Attachment and the Dysregulated Brain - #164

"When you find a way to quiet the fear-driven brain, what emerges quite spontaneously are the attachment circuits."*

The above statement, by neurofeedback specialist Sebern Fisher, MA, reminded me of our recent series on attachment. Our circuits connect us.

Fisher believes the brains of people who have had terrible childhoods are dysregulated. If you have a highly dysfunctional childhood, you will have a dysregulated brain. 

It is difficult to regulate our brains. Now we know about plasticity which means our circuits can change.

"We are social creatures; we are meant to relate to one another."*

We need to keep in mind if our nervous system is highly aroused, relationships will not be very successful. Our challenge is to learn to self-regulate our own brain. It is usually a mistake to try and regulate someone else's brain

"Probably one of the reasons that we go to the ocean, is that it induces theta - it entrains the brain toward theta, which feels very dreamy and drifty."*

Can you tell when your nervous system is agitated? What happens to your relationships when this occurs? Do you feel like a social creature? What calms you down? Please reply to this email or click on www.nickymendenhall.blogspot.com and leave a comment.

Thanks for using your brain for exploring the mystery - 
                                                                     Nicky Mendenhall

*Sebern Fisher, MA, interviewed by Ruth Buczynski, PhD, for NICABM.

Image is collage representing dysregulated brains, mine included.

Exploring Communication & Revisiting Silence

"Everyone communicates: the sparrow with the blue jay, the ants with one another, the queen bee and her workers, the woman at her doorstep thanking the mailman. The quality of this communication is what's key."*

Sometimes the quality of my communication is not quite polite. My voice tone leans toward harsh or curt. I'm impatient. Mostly, of course, this happens with people I love.

How would you describe the quality of your communication?

"Behind words is the silence that supports honesty and self-reflection."*

This is a way of thinking about silence that wasn't mentioned last post about silence. I'm scratching my head and don't quite know what to think of this idea. I keep writing a sentence to explore it and then think - no, that's not right! What do you make of it?

As for the image, I received it on my walk this evening after going out of the house thinking I wouldn't find anything interesting. Why would someone hang a perfectly good pair of socks where a bird feeder or plant is supposed to be? A mystery to explore! And if you know why the socks are there - let me know! Any ideas?

Please email me with your comments or go to the blog www.nickymendenhall.blogspot.com

Thanks for exploring the mystery with me - Nicky Mendenhall

*Michael Stone in Awake in the World (2011)

Silence: Keeping It Real - #163

"In the sweet territory of silence,

we touch the mystery.

It's the place of reflection and contemplation,

and it's the place where we can connect 

with the deep knowing."

Angeles Arrien*

Note that Arrien doesn't advise us to explore the mystery, only to touch the mystery. She suggests that silence is where we will touch mystery.

Though the subject of silence hasn't made an appearance in many of my posts, silence is a key component of my life. 

The need to tackle errands, ones no longer postponable, meant leaving my abode at lunchtime today. Errands gobble up copious amounts of time. Errands do not lead to silent contemplation but often lead me into temptation. Use your imagination!

If I stay true to the image KEEP IT REAL, it would mean telling you that I want to go reflect on and contemplate my new Abakanowicz book that came in the mail today. I want to enjoy the silence of a summer afternoon nap.

Thanks for exploring the mystery with me. Let me know if you like silence and how you carve out space for reflection and contemplation and rest. You know the drill - comment or reply! Thanks for reading!

*An Angeles Arrien poem found on page 207, the last page of Wise Mind, Open Mind by Ronald A. Alexander, PH.D,,2008.

Easy To Know, Difficult To Practice

"........we need to learn enough about love, mercy, and compassion to realize sickness and death are meant to teach us that life is precious; these experiences are bumps in our road that can ultimately make our lives more profound, meaningful, and bearable."*

*Taken from Into the Heart of the Feminine (2014) by Massimilla Harris, Ph.D. and Bud Harris, Ph.D.

Image received in Portland, OR. Technical Assistance Required:   driver's long arm out window (not mine).

An Apology & An Abakanowicz Visit- #162

 Remember this Image from November of 2014?

In November, 2014, Connie posted a comment admitting she was fascinated with Abakanowicz's work, describing herself as the contemplative in her book club who liked to get into people's heads.  

In revisiting the earlier Abakanowicz post, I was shocked that I hadn't responded to her comment.

Not replying (despite the fact I resonated with her offering) was because I didn't know what to say. And then the task flew out of my head. 

Now revisiting her comment, I notice she said she likes to get into people's heads. If you look closely you will see there are no heads.  

My sincere apologies Connie. I learn from your comments. Thanks for helping me bring out my silly side. If you keep reading you will notice my silliness transforms to seriousness.

Mary Jane Jacob, curator and writer from the School of the Art Institute of Chicago, presented a lecture (6/7/2015) featuring stunning slides of  Magdalena Abakanowicz's work. To say I was knocked off my feet, would not be an exaggeration. 

While Jacob explained how Magdalena's Mother's arm was shot off, then showed slides of headless, limbless eerily alive statues, proceeded to quote the artist that uncertainty was her constant companion, expressed how Magdalena felt alone in a crowd of people, my anxiety kicked up.  

I was wearing loose shoes I wasn't used to and I was alone. The distance to the railing that would guide me up the stairs seemed cavernous. There was a crowd of people but I didn't feel old enough to ask for help.  

In solidarity with people who have mobility problems, I edged myself over to the rail.

Abakanowicz, who turns 85 next week, lives in Warsaw, Poland, and doesn't travel anymore. She seemed to whisper in my ear, "You need to be determined."

Jacob said her actual quote was more like you need to be determined to be an artist and have a fire in your belly and be filled with urgent necessity to make art. What I heard from this courageous artist was encouragement.  

Has fear made you doubt? What? Have your received unexpected encouragement? Please share with me/us by sending an email or going to www.nickymendenhall.blogspot.com

Magdalena Abakenowicz 

The Flock II

Burlap and resin; dimensions variable

Permission given by Des Moines Art Center Permanent Collections: Purchased with funds from the Edmundson Art Foundation, Inc.m 1992.36

Photo Credit - Rich Sanders, Des Moines

Peregrine Ponders Paradox

Post 161 explored the merits of subtraction and expansion. The dynamic tension between these two ways of creating satisfaction in life brought to mind the word paradox.  While trying to decide whether or not it really was a paradox, the following quote jumped out at me:

"Perhaps the greatest paradox in the human psyche is our longing for union, for peace, for solutions, though experience has taught us that it is our conflicts and our failures which are in fact our points of growth."*

In Post 161, I would say the paradox is that both subtracting and expanding, seeming opposites, give positive results. 

In the above definition, the paradox is that though we long for the "good" stuff, thinking it will make us grow and transform, it is really the "bad" stuff that transforms us.

Do you agree there is something mysterious about paradox that deserves exploration?  

Do you have a different definition of paradox?

Do you have an example of a paradox?

Please share with me/us by replying to this message or visit this link by clicking here: www.nickymendenhall.blogspot.com  

Thanks for exploring the mystery of paradox with me. 
                                                        Nicky Mendenhall

*Quote found in Into The Heart of the Feminine by Massimilla Harris, Ph.D. and Bud Harris, Ph.D. attributed to Irene Claremont de Castillejo.

Photo: Several or you mentioned you couldn't see a cat in the last picture. Peregrine is a trauma survivor which is why he was hiding under the red plastic curtain in his safe house.

The Odd Couple: Subtraction & Expansion - #161

One of my favorite blogs, "The Ancient Wisdom Project,"* published a post Thursday with a sentence that caught my attention:

"Attaining pleasure is largely a matter of subtraction."

This brought to mind the satisfied feeling that arose after enlisting my friend Mary to help organize my closet. We gave away or threw away old clothes or clothes that didn't make me feel good. The next morning, even though there was less in my closet, I felt pleasure. 

Later on Thursday, while continuing to mull the merits of subtraction, I listened to Daily Dharma Gathering speaker, Nick Kranz.**

His topic: "Chaos & Expansion: Our Pain Threshold Examined."

The idea he presented, as I understood it, was how managing pain by enlarging the area you focus on works. Expand your focus; include more he encouraged.

While falling asleep that night, I experienced "an itch that hurt" on my left big toe. I scratched offending toe, first on the on the top of it and then on the bottom. Nothing changed, it still itched and hurt.  

Remembering Kranz's suggestion, I stopped focusing just on the left big toe and focused instead on all my toes, then on my whole foot, then my entire leg, finally my body. Then imagining my body cradled in a rocking boat, I fell asleep.  

Thursday was a day of subtracting and expanding. Each direction needs further exploration. Which direction do you move towards naturally?

Please let me/us know by replying to this email or going to www.nickymendenhall.blogspot.com

*http://theancientwisdomproject.com/
**http://mindfulinthemidst.com
Photograph received in Portland, OR., illustrating how two households merge into one by following the principle of subtraction. Peregrine, (the cat) focuses on safety while hiding under the red covered table.

Mid Week: Life in a Cocoon

"Cocooning isolates and protects one from harsh, dangerous, or disturbing realities especially by remaining indoors at home in one's free time."*

During my junior year of high school, my career goal was to become a missionary in Africa. Knowing what I know now, I would wager my religious fervor was less about saving souls and more about escaping Iowa. Mom said my weak constitution made it too risky to travel to Africa

Sixteen years later my wanderlust was reignited when offered the opportunity to see eight countries in eleven days. To accept this once-in-a-lifetime trip meant leaving my month-old newborn with his grandparents. At risk was attachment to my new son. This time Mom said go see the world; she & Dad would keep both my children. 

During the next thirty-five years, travel was a vital part of my life.  

Now, when home for a period of time, my comfortable routine is becoming harder and harder to leave. 

My growing attachment is to being comfortable. This is a new attachment and it is not one that feels well - entirely comfortable!

The purpose of life is not just to be comfortable - is it? 

Tell me your thoughts about your cocoon if you have one. How do you roust yourself out of it to go have adventures? Are you attached to being comfortable?

Email me or go to the comments section. I really need to hear from you!

*Webster's online New World College Dictionary.

Photo received at the Greater Des Moines Botanical Garden, 
May 9, 2015.

Mid Week: Do You Have A Wanting Mind?

Our attachment to a person may lead us to cling to them. 

When we are attached to an idea, we may grasp onto it and try to prove it is the best idea.

Qualities of clinging and grasping are what Buddhists call "wanting mind." 

According to Ronald A. Alexander, Ph.D., the problem is that wanting mind is rooted in the incorrect belief that something outside of ourselves is the key to lasting happiness.*

Wanting mind has the qualities of:
 - longing, wishing, pining, yearning 
 - hunger or cravings
 - sexual desires, cravings, or addictions
 - greed, emptiness, and constant wanting
 - envy or jealousy, competitiveness
 - resentment
 - an aversion to losing control and having to surrender the will of the ego

What we truly need in order to quiet the wanting mind is unconditional love for ourselves and self-acceptance.

We all have wanting mind. Remembering that happiness cannot be found outside of ourselves but only within is vital.  

How do you work with your wanting mind? What do you do that gives you satisfaction in spite of wanting mind? How do you love yourself?

Please let me know by email or go to the comment section.  
The next blog post will be June 2, 2015.

*Ronald A. Alexander, Ph. D., Wise Mind, Open Mind (2008).

Image received when visiting Iowa Acupuncture Clinic.

Who Are You Going To Be Intimate With? - #160

Koshin Paley presented a talk for the Daily Dharma Gathering on 5/13/2015. His subject: "One Moment, One Chance: A Zen Approach to Living and Dying."  His sparkling eyes, boyish grin, and mischievous manner captivated me immediately.

Koshin, according to his website, co-founded the New York Center for Contemplative Care and is a Senior Zen Priest.    

His first question to the Gathering: "Are you doing what you really want to be doing?"

His question roused the spirit of judgmentalness in me. Oh no, I thought, not another rehash of Joseph Campbell's famous line, follow your bliss.

Luckily my fears were unfounded.  He continued:

"The more intimate we get with old age, sickness, and death, the more joyful we become."

Now I don't presume to fully explain this. My hope is that our consultant will give us some guidance.

The best I can do is to speculate that the more we feel all of life, the more empathy and compassion will arise within us. If we feel our uncomfortable feelings as well as our comfortable ones, we have a chance of understanding what it means to be intimate with things we normally fear.

I know - it sounds mysterious but remember - we are here to explore mysteries. 

What would it mean to you to be intimate with old age, sickness, and death? 

Which of these is the most repulsive to you? 

Let us know in the Comments or reply to this email.

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

Are You Attached To Your Definition of Grief?

"I do not think the goal of grieving is to 'get closure' with its connotations of completion, resolution and finality. Rather, I believe the act of grieving whenever loss is felt anew develops a synthesizing sense of self that is strong enough to meet and withstand the tragedies of life and learn its aesthetic truths. Clearly, not something done once and for all, as society would have us believe."*

 'Synthesizing sense of self' is a phrase that gives me a felt sense of what Jeanette means, not a rational definition I can put into words. If you can define 'synthesizing sense of self', please share your words with us in the comment section or email me.

Also let us know what the goal of grieving is in your mind. How does the above quote differ from the Kubler-Ross model that describes the stages of grief?

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

*Jeanette Wright, The Art Of Attention: Chronicles of an Imagery-Oriented Psychotherapist, Book One: On Developing The Capacity For Self-Understanding (2005).

Photo received in OR. It was a grand old tree, one of many.

Another Attachment To Explore - #159

The Sniffles plaque, spotted on a recent trip to OR, brought to mind attachment. I am assuming Sniffles was someone's beloved fifteen year old cat. What do you think?

Currently there are no pets in my house. I remember with an aching heart the pain when as a child, Dad shot my dog Yippie because Yippie was breaking eggs and killing chickens. 

Since thankfully I didn't see it happen, and no one told me why my best friend wasn't around anymore, I found out the truth when Mom couldn't keep the terrible secret any longer.

I could have used the Rainbow Bridge.

According to Google (what did we do without it?), the Rainbow Bridge is a place between here and heaven where a reunion takes place between the owner and pet that died.

I remember the close bond that Yippee and I shared. I was attached to him. Maybe the reason pets are so important to us is that when we form an attachment to them, they are usually ready and willing to meet our needs and relieve our anxieties.

Barry Magid writes that our self-involvement, narcissistic vulnerabilities and various inner conflicts all lead us to form unhealthy, neurotic attachments with people.

Do you have attachments with pets? Tell me what it's like if you do. Is Magid correct that attachments with people are more difficult?

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

Ordinary Mind (2005), Barry Magid.

Mid Week: Remember Marina Abramovic? She's Back!

exploring the mystery featured performance artist Marina Abramovic on November 30, 2014. Marina, you might recall, sat silently across from people staring into their eyes. In that post,  I asked: 

Does an artist's work explain the artist's life? 

Now, six months later, one issue of a weekly blog, Brain Pickings, introduced to me by Becky Goldin two years ago, highlighted Marina's contribution to Getting There: A Book of Mentors.

See if you think Marina's words speak to the question I posed in November:

"My parents were both partisans and national heroes. They were very hard-core and were so busy with their careers that I lived with my grandmother until I was six. Until then, I hardly even knew who my parents were. They were just two strange people who would visit on Saturdays and bring presents. 

When I was six, my brother was born, and I was sent back to my parents. From that point on, my childhood was very unhappy. I grew up with incredible control, discipline, and violence at home. Everything was extreme. 

My mother never kissed me. When I asked why, she said, “Not to spoil you, of course.” She had a bacteria phobia so she didn’t allow me to play with other children out of fear that I might catch a disease. She even washed bananas with detergent. 

I spent most of my time alone in my room. There were many, many rules. Everything had to be in perfect order. If I slept messily in bed, my mother would wake me in the middle of the night and order me to sleep straight."

Her words also speak to our study of attachment styles!

Let me know what you think!

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall