What's That Smell? - #68

Mere minutes after pushing the publish button for the Midweek Bonus Boots Post, I felt uneasy.  

Meanwhile, Georgie (AKA Lady Victoria Georgiana Charlotte Eugenie - heroine of  Her Royal Spyness* mystery series) is being asked by Her Majesty the Queen to investigate several murders. Since it isn't proper to say no to HMQ, Georgie becomes a detective and solves crimes by relying on her impulses, reactions, and feelings. 

My compulsion to read Spyness mysteries and my compulsion to understand the Shadow initially seemed two separate drives. Today I realize that Georgie provides a model for my exploration of the Shadow; she's in contact with her impulses, reactions and feelings all of which are found in the Shadow.

So when I read the words, "unholy trio" in the published version, I felt someone could compare me with Prince Siegfried; he always looked as if there were a bad smell under his nose. This phrase, my words not Miller's, words that initially appeared the height of cleverness and literary aplomb,** actually stunk.  

The goal of writing about the shadow has been to encourage an investigation of the shadow.  

It makes no sense to label impulses, reactions, and feelings unholy.  

Tune in next week to solve the mystery: Why did I use unholy?  Did you object to the words? Please let us know by going to the comment section and leaving your thoughts.

Thanks for exploring the mystery with me - Nicky Mendenhall

 

*A mystery series by Rhys Bowen that made me laugh out loud, pull my feet off the floor in flight, say OH NO multiple times and stay up way too late. So far I've read Her Royal Spyness, A Royal Pain, Royal Flush, Royal Blood, and as soon as this is published I will begin Naughty in Nice.
**I'm not sure how words like this pop into my awareness. I had to look it up and found it fit perfectly. If you aren't familiar with the word, look it up - there are many reasons that each of you can claim this wonderful word!

Midweek Bonus Boots With UFO

Impulses, reactions, and feelings are rather primitive and unrefined but natural to the human being. This Unholy Trio is often relegated to the shadow. Miller writes they are "kicked down the cellar stairs and a heavy door slammed shut on them."

Are you brave enough to go to your Basement? Share your adventures in the comments section.

Posts will continue to focus on the shadow until you, as readers, say ENOUGH or your author feels satisfied she can understand and write about this complex topic in understandable ways. The next post will make its appearance on the blog sometime this Friday and will be sent out by Feedburner early Saturday morning to those who have a free subscription to exploring the mystery. 

To sign up, click on exploring the mystery at the bottom of this email. This will take you to the blog. Above my picture you click on "subscribe" which will then ask you for your email address and to copy down funny looking letters. Be sure to respond to the email you will be sent in order to finalize your subscription. If you have friends you think would appreciate these posts, please forward this email to them. 

Thanks for exploring the mysterious shadow - Nicky Mendenhall

*Ideas and quote from Make Friends With Your Shadow by William A. Miller

Seesaw Shadow Catcher - #67

Growing up my main wish was to please my parents. My secondary wish,  for many years, was to behave in such a way that no one would be upset with me.

To make it possible to meet these goals,  I needed to hide my negative traits.

Hiding or ignoring my negative traits (even from myself)   consumed as much energy as I spent on developing positive traits.  

So you can guess my sense of bewilderment when I learned that a healthy mature adult recognizes and accepts, even embraces, all parts of the self.

Knowing my anger, selfishness, jealousy, talent, didn't appeal to my perfectionist self.  

Robert A. Johnson* describes a healthy adult as one who stands in the center of a seesaw: positive traits piled on the right side and negative traits stacked on the left.  When we get in the middle, then shift a little to the left, then a little to the right - we encounter the wholeness of balance.

I was skeptical I could make this work. My fear was that if my negative stuff was no longer hidden, it would weigh the left side down; everyone would see what a low-down rotten person I was.

Little did I know the others already knew my negative traits! I also wasn't aware that many of them would cheer if I was my authentic self.

When we hide our negative or our positive traits, we build up our shadow. Unfortunately we don't hide these negative traits from anyone but ourselves. Other people know long before we do when we are selfish, inconsiderate, mean, or that we have a lot to offer our community.

When we have an awareness of these traits, we come to the middle of the seesaw.

Successfully balanced we can be our authentic self. Please take your balanced (or unbalanced) self to the comment section and share your struggles and successes. It is important to express ourselves plus it encourages others.

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

Mid Week Bonus Post

"I'm amazed by what I managed not to see."

I ran across this line when reading The Book of Disquiet by Fernando Pessoa.  Pessoa was born in Lisbon in 1888, died there in 1935, and did not often leave the city as an adult. 

Writing in Portuguese, he wrote in notebooks, on loose sheets, on the backs of letters, advertisements and handbills, on stationery from the firms he worked on and from the cafes he frequented, on envelopes, on paper scraps, and in the margins of his own earlier text. 

To compound the confusion, he wrote under dozens of names, a practice- or compulsion - that began in his childhood. 

Pessoa referred to the many names under which he wrote prose and poetry as "heteronyms" rather than as pseudonyms, since they were not merely false names but belonged to invented others, to fictional writers with points of view and literary styles that were different from Pessoa's. Personally I find that amazing and thank Mason for introducing me to this fascinating man!

Here's another line from Pessoa:

"I marvel at all that I was and that I now see I'm not."

After we finish our investigation of the shadow, we may say similar things. 

What have you have managed not to see? 

Do you think of yourself differently than you used to? 

As always, you are invited to share your reactions in the comment section or hit reply and send me an email.

Thanks for being part of this community exploring the mystery -
                                                        
                                                                      Nicky Mendenhall

In Case of FIRE - Shadow Work - #67

FIRE in this case refers to your anger at me for the Midweek Post.    

Let your feelings of annoyance (or disgust or outrage) act as an impetus for beginning your own shadow work. 

What is shadow work you ask?

Here's the Twitter version: Shadow work is figuring out what is hidden in our shadow.  

I remember an experience in my own life that will get us started.

In small towns, a new kid in class is a big deal. In fifth grade, Cathy Montgomery moved to Melbourne. She disrupted my whole life. She was smarter than me. She was popular. She had a mind of her own. She was probably good looking though it didn't appear that way to me.  

My parents joked that after Cathy joined our class, all I could talk about was how she irritated me. I remember feeling that they were not very sympathetic.  

Toward the end of the school year, Cathy announced she was moving out of town. Joining with the others, I bemoaned this news but internally, I rejoiced. My nemesis was leaving!

I suggested that we plan a going away party. Wearing my bossy pants was easy as there was no interference from the guest of honor. We did it my way. I remember someone brought potato chips.

For my contribution, I sang Red River Valley, all four verses.  "From this valley they say you are leaving, we will miss your bright eyes and sweet smile." My voice faltered on the word miss while I thought - "good riddance!"

I remember experiencing satisfaction (I felt special performing but annoyed my performance wasn't perfect), at the same time I felt uncomfortable (this was confusing - why wasn't I happier?)

Unfortunately I never spoke to anyone about these internal feelings. My mean feelings stayed hidden and as a result, I missed learning how to manage my own competitiveness. I didn't learn the skill of letting go or how to grieve. I didn't know how bossy I was. I didn't realize my need to be special.  I hid all these feelings - in my shadow. 

I bet Cathy saw those things in me. 

I'm inviting you to join me in an exploration of the shadow.  Tell me your shadow stories.

And Cathy, if you should happen to read this: Let's talk.

Thanks for exploring the mysterious shadow - Nicky Mendenhall

Midweek Bonus Post: You May Not Like This

 *Lehman writes.......

when she told him it was ok to allow his anti-social impulses into his poetry...The sensuality and violence that the boy felt he had to repress in his daily life found their way into the stream of consciousness writing he set himself to do.

In one piece he wrote of the urge to "step on a baby's head because it is so big and round and soft like a balloon, and would go squash under my feet".

Katherine Lappa remained unflappable. "That's very good', she said, "that's just what you should be feeling - part of what you're feeling. Keep doing it." 

Koch would come to regard this as an "instance of the benevolent influence that Freud has had on my life. I was able to enjoy the benefit of a teacher who in Cincinnati in 1942 had undergone psychoanalysis."


Thanks for delving into the Shadow with me - Nicky Mendenhall



* Adam Phillips in Equals (2002) cites David Lehman's story about Kenneth Koch's process of becoming a poet and the help he received from his teacher Katherine Lappa. (pg. 45)

Girls and Boys Cavort In the Shadows - #66

According to Dr. Bjork, when Boys in Basement are rambunctious, they are showing Girls in Glee Club a good time.  

To understand our primitive brain (AKA Boys/Girls Home), picture Boys exploring a Sao Paulo favela.* The Girls accompany them; they want to see what trouble the Boys' compulsive desires will get them in this time.

The boys start a big fire. The flames leap into the night sky. 

They create huge dark shadows. The Boys and Girls begin to weave in and out of the light and the shadows.

When we use the word shadow in the psychological world, we are referring to the dumping ground for all the characteristics of our personality that we don't want to claim.**

If these characteristics are hidden long enough and not recognized consciously, they will take on a life of their own.  We create an internal favela.

When our temper bursts forth (picture flames); we are releasing the energy of anger from our shadow.

Whenever there is powerful energy (light), the result is dark shadows. 

When we want to avoid a confrontation with our shadow, we judge others. If I judge you, I don't have to recognize my own hidden characteristics: the focus is on you.

According to Richo, the shadow layers of ego are control, fear, attachment, the need to fix things, obsession with an outcome, blame of others, and shame about ourselves.

Don't worry if this doesn't make sense to you. In the next few weeks we will work together to understand the concept of the shadow. Be sure to use the comment section to share your thoughts and questions. Recently I've had a new awareness about shadow that I will try to share with you. 

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall


*Favela - In Brazil, a slum at the edge of a city.

**I relied heavily on Owning Your Own Shadow: Understanding the Dark Side of the Psyche by Robert A. Johnson AND Shadow Dance by David Richo for ideas regarding the Shadow's role in our lives.

Midweek Bubble from exploring the mystery

"Isolated, as we are, in our individual umwelten*, we cannot know the richness of the multiverse outside our little soap bubbles.  As I "bottom-lined" in my lecture to all of you in Bangkok, the meaning of your life inside your soap bubble is that that which makes you weep." 

                                                     Randy Bjork, M.D

What does it mean to live in a soap bubble? How do you experience the richness of the multiverse? Do you think you live in a soap bubble? What makes you weep? Check out my new bubble picture: exploring the mystery

*umwelt [ˈʊmvɛlt]

n Biology psychol

(Psychology) the environmental factors, collectively, that are capable of affecting the behaviour of an animal or individual

[from German Umwelt environment]

The Boys Aren't Alone in the Basement Anymore! - #66

Digging deeply, probing mercilessly, the last several weeks we here at exploring the mystery have been up to our elbows in limbic systems.

What did we discover? 

Boys in the Basement! 

These boys represent fear, anger, despair, and ecstasy.

Last week one of my readers, a woman I respect for her wisdom, reluctantly confessed that the metaphor of boys in the basement was off-putting to her. 

Honesty like that needs to be rewarded. Since the basement (limbic system) has lots of room, I want to introduce you to:

The Girls Glee Club.

I guarantee you the Girls know as much about fear, anger, despair and ecstasy as the Boys! 

Don't waste your breath trying to persuade the Girls that their fears are unwarranted. These primitive fears are very real to them; they know the origins long before you are conscious of them.  

The Girls have been helping piece together my story. Here it is: 

In 1920, Carrie (my paternal grandmother) was married to Carl (my paternal grandfather). Carrie was newly pregnant (with my father) when her brother John invited the couple to attend a Memorial Day Celebration.

During the twenty-one gun salute, when the rifles were raised, a drunken Veteran mistakenly shot his rifle into the barrel of another rifle. Metal fragments flew into the crowd (reminds me of the horror of the bombing at the Boston Marathon). My grandmother's arm was pierced with a piece of metal. My grandfather lost an eye.

My Great Uncle John never forgave himself.

This story helps me understand my fears.

Every once in awhile I freak out about driving. Grandma didn't like to drive. Mom didn't like to drive. 


My latest uprising of fear is about driving anywhere I may get lost. I partly blame my fear of driving to damage of my left eye's optic nerve which results in a picture of the world as distorted, blurry, black and white instead of clear sparkling color. The damaged nerve also messes with my depth perception so my eyes tell me what is printed on the rear view mirror: objects are closer than they appear. 

Or maybe I am a fearful, anxious person who is afraid of the unknown and who is letting fear hamper my freedom.

I'm trying to approach the fear in different ways than I used to. Instead of berating myself and stuffing fear, I tell everyone that I don't like to drive out of town and see how that feels. I make an appointment for an eye exam to see if my vision really has changed since last year. I write to you about my most embarrassing fears. I talk to my Girls. 

Do you have fears? Of what? How do you manage them? Please let me know in the comments section or by emailing me.

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall