Abbess Advises Jumping into River of Grief - #53

My motivation to expand rather than contract in the face of painful feelings needs consistent reinforcement.

Both ancient wisdom teachings and modern psychological systems encourage us to pay attention to internal feeling states. Because the ancients and the moderns agree on the folly of denying feelings, there are many resources available to guide us when we have the courage to meet our feelings face-to-face. 

We've heard a Buddhist perspective, now please stay with me as we open to a Christian viewpoint.

Sometimes the  word "Christian" causes us to shut our ears. We don't want to entertain Christian dogma that makes no sense to our scientifically trained minds. We put cotton in our ears to protect us from  the harsh, judgemental words we have come to expect from the fundamentalists. But rather than throwing the baby out with the bathwater (after all it is the Christmas season) let's listen with an open mind and heart to:

Christine Valters Paintner* the online Abbess of  Abbey of the Arts. The Abbey is a virtual monastery that offers a variety of online classes, reflections, and resources with a focus on the integration of contemplative practice and creative expression. 

I "met" Christine during an online class and found her guidance for my writing and meditation practice to be most helpful; it was not a surprise when her response to the Newtown tragedy was inspiring.

She graciously gave permission to share her words:

In the wake of so much grief over the unimaginable violence at Sandy Hook elementary school last week, I invite you to let sorrow have its place in you. 

I have no easy answers, and people who claim God's will somehow at work in the violence itself are offering trite answers to a mystery that is greater than our understanding. 

Our response must be to stand witness to the terrible things done, to grieve and know the fullness of our own humanity, and to cherish those we love dearly and hold them close. 

We are reminded again and again that life is a fleeting gift.  Sometimes it slips away in illness and sometimes stolen brutally. 

There are no words of solace. 

We must simply be with the great sadness of loss and know that these wounds and places of being broken open are where the grace enters.  We must commit again to make this one life matter.

One simple act you can do in response to this heartbreaking thievery of human life is to let yourself feel the deep grief of it. 

Notice when you want to push it away, or numb yourself, or find a distraction. 

This capacity to sit with the pain and let it work its way through you is the first and fundamental response.

The second response is an embrace of love as the deepest and truest thing, what makes life bearable under the most grievous of circumstances. 

Hold someone you love close, make amends with a loved one with whom you had a falling out. 

Extend yourself in this circle of love.  These things matter deeply. 

Then comes the hard work of conversation and change of policy and ways to protect lives more vigorously. 

But this work must emerge from a place that has allowed the river of grief to flow through and the deep well of love to nourish and sustain. 

We must remember the extravagant source of life** as we consider the reality of death.

Next week we will learn from a practitioner of Integral Theory six steps we can practice to midwife higher levels of consciousness. 

Special note: It was brought to my attention over Christmas break that not everyone agrees focusing on our feelings after National tragedies is necessary. What do you think? How do you deal with disasters that aren't in your neighborhood or your part of the world? Please use the comments section to tell us what you think.

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

*Christine Valters Paintner is the online Abbess of Abbey of the Arts and the author of 7 books on monastic spirituality and creativity, as well as an artist, spiritual director, retreat facilitator, and teacher. She earned her PhD in Christian Spirituality from the Graduate Theological Union in Berkeley and her professional status as Registered Expressive Arts Consultant and Educator (REACE) from the International Expressive Arts Therapy Association. In July 2012, she began living out her commitment as a Benedictine Oblate in the beautiful city of Vienna, Austria with her husband.  

Christine Valters Paintner, PhD
www.AbbeyoftheArts.com

**Italics mine.

Weep, Sob, Rage; Weep, Sob, Rage - #52

The last email you received from exploring the mystery was mysteriously dated Wednesday, though I posted it on Thursday, a day I actually thought was Friday.  Since today is Friday, my usual day to publish, it seemed prudent to publish again.

Susan Piver* is a writer, teacher, and New York Times best selling author. Last year I attended a workshop she offered on Fearless Writing and found Susan to be authentic whether she was teaching us meditation or encouraging us to write.

The day after the horrific events in Newtown, Susan received a request from one of her students to write a reflection on the tragedy. Initially she thought it would be too hard but, thankfully for us, later wrote what I want to share with you. 

Susan's response was the first article I discovered that offered practical ways to stay with my feelings instead of distancing from them.

My hope is that you will find direction and comfort from her words. This is an excerpt, if you wish to read the entire essay, click on her website address below. 

Susan's words are to be read slowly and meditatively:

Using ideas to treat or metabolize feelings is ineffective.

Then what? I’m afraid that there are only a very few things we can do other than to be absolutely, irredeemably heartbroken. Weep, sob, rage. Weep, sob, rage.   

Every time your mind tries to tell you, “this is because of poor gun control,” or “this world is rotten, terrible and I have to ignore it in order to survive,” and/or “if mental health care was better, we could help people before they explode into violence,” please ask it to wait.

I’m not saying we shouldn’t act. WE SHOULD. But before we act, we should feel. Let your heart break. Let down your guard. There is a strange redemption in heartbreak.

In your own way, you could open your heart to the suffering of all who have been directly involved.

Relax your mind and then think:

For all of you children who lost your lives and may now be wandering bereft and confused, I share your suffering with you. In return I offer you my peace.

Breathe in their suffering. Breathe out your peace.

For all of you parents who lost your children, I share your unspeakable suffering with you. May I take even the tiniest bit of your sorrow and rage into my own heart to relieve you of it. In return, I send you my strength.

Breathe in their suffering. Breathe out your strength.

For all of of you children who lived through this horrific day, I share your suffering with you. May I take in your fear and your nightmares. I send you my bravery.

Breathe in their suffering. Breathe out your bravery.

For the officials of the state of Connecticut and of this country who now must bear witness and act, I share your suffering with you. May I take in your doubt and confusion about what to do and how to feel. I send you my confidence and compassion.

Breathe in their suffering. Breathe out your confidence and compassion.

Then, as best you can, relax your mind and sit quietly for a few minutes or a few lifetimes.

We can’t leave out that someone committed this crime. We might hate the horrible monster who did so. We might condemn and excoriate him. I’m not saying don’t do that. It’s not useful (especially to you), but it is human. The only thing we cannot do under any circumstance is think that we are any different than he is.

It would take a very big person to offer compassion to the perpetrator and I for one am not capable of it today. But while I cannot feel kindhearted, nor will I permit myself to imagine that if I lived his life, I would not be just like him.

In the meantime, tonight I will wrap my arms around those I love and, recognizing the extraordinary fragility of our lives, give thanks for the preciousness of our time together. Truly the only solace is in the dharmas of love, compassion,and fierce warriorship.

Next we will explore words from Christine Valters Paintner.

exploring the mystery of feelings takes an open heart and courage.

Thanks for being with me. Please go to the blog and comment - I

would love to hear from you.  Nicky Mendenhall


*www.susanpiver.com/open-heart-project/ 


For the wonderful comment section - unfortunately you will have to scroll down several inches - thanks!

 

 

 

http://susanpiver.com/blog/

Feelings: An Essential Component In First Aid Kit - # 51

The senseless tragedy in Newtown has made me aware that I handle overwhelming feelings by distancing from them. 

My pattern of distancing, not paying attention to feelings, occurs in other areas of my life. 

I attribute this, at least partially, to being told, "Don't feel that way" or "you shouldn't feel that way."  These phrases encouraged me to ignore or distance myself from feelings. 

These phrases are misguided. Feelings can be signals from the unconscious. Feelings point us toward issues that need our attention.  Feelings make us human.

After a lifetime of running from feelings, facing them may seem impossible; it isn't surprising that we don't know where to begin.

When I determined that I didn't want to push my feelings about Newtown down into my belly, I began researching the web for suggestions on how to skillfully use the feelings of sorrow and disbelief.

Statements from Susan Piver, Dr. Christine Valters Painter and Dr. Karen Wyatt encouraged me, each in their own way, to be with and learn from my feelings. These women represent (in order listed) Buddhist, Christian, and Integral points of view. Each of them graciously gave permission to quote them.

Reading their ideas has helped me honor my feelings and learn from them; my hope is that you will also find solace from reading these words.

Next week we will begin our exploration with words offered by Susan Piver.

This post is a heads up - pay attention to any feeling that tries to make itself known to you. It is puerile to ignore our feelings. The holiday season will give you ample opportunity to explore feelings.

In the comments section, please share your experiences with feelings. This year, do you miss family members who are no longer present? Are you disappointed in yourself? Do you feel lonely or bored? Remember - boredom is a feeling. Are you filled with joy and gratitude this year and don't know how to feel about others less fortunate?

Thanks for joining me on an exploration of feelings -
                                                                  Nicky Mendenhall

Worksheet D: Is Holiday Stress Inexorable*? - #50

Gird your loins: Worksheet D.  

Question: What do you do when you feel discombobulated, stressed, or overwhelmed? In other words, how do you respond to discomfort?

Ask someone close to you what you do during stressful times - he or she will most likely gift you with inexorable feedback. It's my guess you already know your ugly, aggressive, and selfish parts and don't need the intractable pain of having them gleefully enumerated once more.

Historically (or hysterically as the case may be) my tendency when overwhelmed has been to deny that anything is troubling me. "I'm fine! What's your problem?" 

I am not advising this strategy. 

Do you deny your feelings of stress, fatigue, sadness, angry upset or any other so-called negative emotion?  Does the idea of telling someone how you are feeling put a frog in your throat? Do you want to learn how to express yourself when you experience these normal states of being?

The art of expressing ourselves when we feel less-than-optimal is not difficult, it is just not easy to do.

Try to express real feelings in a clear non-blaming, non-judgemental way. Pay attention and you will find - once you get the hang of it - that claiming your feeling state won't take as much energy as denying it.

Say: "I feel stressed out - would you excuse me while I take a break?" not "Why do you have to chew your food so loudly?"

Not so surprisingly, people tend to respond more positively when we admit we are overwhelmed instead of blaming or criticizing them. 

Begin by saying, "I feel" and then list the main feeling you are having. Do this in a non-judgemental, non-blaming way.

The rest of this year, when the urge to deny your uneasy feelings arises, pledge to express them. 

Look at it this way - you will surprise the heck out of the people around you! They may feel discombobulated by your new adult behavior. You don't have to react in the most perfect way - just do something different and see what happens!

Thanks for making time to explore the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

*Inexorable is a word I found while reading Van Gogh: The Life, an excellent biography written by Naifeh and Smith. I would like to add inexorable to my vocabulary.  Can you help me accomplish this goal by writing a sentence using inexorable and post it in the Comments section? Then see if you can locate the other new word in this post. Thanks for your help.

Remember you need to go the Blog by clicking on the words exploring the mystery at the bottom of the email you are reading. When you arrive, click on the Comments section. It would be great to hear from you!

1st Aid Kit For Surviving Holidays - #49

Since it is true that we only see what we look at - let's look inside a psychological first aid kit. 

Worksheet A:  First - make a list of every holiday activity or situation between now and January 2, 2013, that you dread. 

Other people's annoying behavior will likely be a primary focus of your list. Examples: they never contribute their fair share, they are irresponsible and thoughtless, they eat too much or eat too little, they are always late.

Worksheet B: Aid will be readily available to anyone who has a clear understanding of the following point:  There is nothing you can do to change any of this horrendous behavior.

No one will deny how seductive and tempting it is to reform/save/educate the other. Which is to say I need to keep my missionary zeal on a leash, especially until January 2, 2013.

Instead - repeat after me: "Nothing I can do will change the behavior of other people."

Worksheet C: Realize that none of these behaviors has anything to do with you. 

In other words: Don't personalize. If you can observe these behaviors from an objective stance, you will be surprised how much easier holiday gatherings will unfold.

Don Miguel Ruiz,* author of The Four Agreements, writes:

"When you take things personally, then you feel offended, and your reaction is to defend your beliefs and create conflicts."

Next week, we will find more Aid for the season. Let me know what you need to have happy holidays?

As always, thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

*Don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements, 1997. (page 51)