Mid Week Dead Bug Disappointment

David Richo* writes that our fears are often, at base, fears of not having control. He presents a long list of annoyances and writes that underlying every one of them is the belief that we should be in control of everything at all times.

Here's a short selection:

We want to be different from the way we are.
We want others to be different.
We want someone to call back or visit.
We cannot get rid of the ants or roaches once and for all.
We cannot keep the weight off or the blood pressure down.
We have feelings, moods, and habits that we do not like.
We do not sleep as well as we want to.
We feel compelled to anticipate all possibilities.
Our parents, children, partners, or friends do not act as we want them to.

To me, the list could be used as a list for what causes disappointment!  

Are disappointment and control related? Let me know what you think!

Thanks for exploring the mystery of disappointment and control -
                                                  Nicky Mendenhall

*David Richo, The Five Things We Cannot Change (2005).

Can You Let Disappointment Lead You? - #110

I remember as a child being told to stop crying because there was nothing to cry about. Being disappointed wasn't acceptable.

As an adult, I visited my Mother in the hospital during her cancer treatment. It was an especially difficult day and she was crying at times, not her usual beautiful-bright-eyed self. Neighbors arrived to offer support. 

I remember feeling sad and disappointed when my Dad insisted Mom smile at her visitors.

Staying with my disappointment led to anger. The anger validated my growing inner knowing that as a child and young adult, I wasn't met on an emotional level. I was ridiculed for having feelings. 

After feeling and honoring my anger, the anger began to dissipate (this is what feelings do when attended to). Building a bridge of compassion for my Father's position was the next step.

Dad was disappointed his long-time companion was not her usual self. I wish he could have used his disappointment to connect with his sadness. This would have allowed him to be with her on an intimate emotional level.  

I can't help but think that Mom would have felt supported in a deeper way if we all had stayed with our sense of disappointment.  

Instead of ignoring disappointment, what would happen if we really paid attention when it was present? Perhaps we might discern which disappointments would lead us to feelings of anger or of grief that need attention. 

Disappointment: Can you let it be a bridge to your emotions? 

What do you think? Share your thoughts in the comments section or hit reply and email me your response.

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

Mid-Week Short Story on Disappointment

  Check out this short story from Lydia Davis:

 "We sit in the airplane so long, on the ground, waiting to take off, that one woman declares she will now write her novel, and another in a neighboring seat says she will be happy to edit it. Food is being sold in the aisle, and the passengers, either hungry from waiting or worried that they will not see food again for some time, are eagerly buying it, even food they would not normally eat. For instance, there are candy bars long enough to use as weapons. The steward who is selling the food says he was once attacked by a passenger, though not with a candy bar. Because the plane had been delayed so long, he said, the passenger threw a drink in his face, damaging one eyeball with a piece of ice."

I love the Urbandale Public Library. I requested the library order Lydia Davis's story collection, can't and won't, after reading Peter Orner's review in the New York Times Book Review. 

Orner described the author as the patron saint of befuddled reality.  

He said if you read enough of her stories, they start happening to you; her stories express the wild divergence of human experience. Disappointment figures in several of the stories.

Bonus: Here's one of my favorite stories from the collection:

"Under all this dirt
the floor is really very clean."

Let me know what you are discovering about disappointment. Is your floor disappointingly dirty?

Special Note: The picture was taken in Greece in honor of my oldest granddaughter Lydia.

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

Why You Might Welcome Disappointment - #109

My expectations have been that I would always be mobile. Two years ago, my left hip began hurting when walking more than ten minutes. This was very disappointing.

After a winter of R-Phase drills, Magic Ball contortions, M.E.L.T. routines, Tai Chi while heating clay pads in microwave, sessions with two massage therapists, sessions with one osteopath and sessions with one acupuncturist, I am able to walk for a half hour or more. 

What healed me?

There is an element of mystery in the healing process; however, making space for mystery in our world is challenging. 

When it comes to the body, no matter how much time or money we spend, we do not have control over the end result. We cannot solve the mystery of why some people heal and why others don't.  

It feels appropriate that I am writing about disappointment and mystery on Good Friday. The Biblical story makes it clear that the disciples' expectations were dashed.

The takeaway: For me the assurance that it is human to be disappointed. I used to think that being disappointed meant I had done something wrong.

Instead, now I see disappointment as a signal to pay attention to my body and to my feelings.  

Easter promises that we can always begin again. There is no promise that we will never be disappointed again.  

Mystery and disappointment, feeling and healing - what has been your experience?

Believe it or not, we have more to explore about disappointment. See you next week.

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

Mid Week Freaky Fact!

On April Fools' Day, I searched for the word disappointment in the index of a book I was reading. Disappointment wasn't there.

Grabbing another book from my collection, I again looked for the word disappointment in the index. Again disappointment wasn't there.

What overtook me then was a full blown obsession: an obsession to find the word disappointment in the index of one of my books.

Out of the hundreds of books I own - only ONE book's index contained the word disappointment.

And what a book it was - probably a best seller in its day - a book I wish I could say I have read and reread from cover to cover over the years:

Outpatient Psychiatry: Diagnosis and Treatment, editor Aaron Lazare, M.D. copyright 1979.  

Here is the disappointing sentence from page 57:

"Growing up consists in significant part in accepting disappointment in one's parents step by painful step." (Copied exactly from text!)

As you can see in the picture above, it took step by painful step for me to accept my parents weren't perfect.  

For years my fear was of disappointing my parents. My siblings and I agree that we did not want to disappoint our parents. As you are probably deducing, disappointment was a big deal in our family. Undoubtedly, that is behind this whole series on disappointment. I'm learning as I go.....

When did you become disappointed in your parents? Was it painful? Is disappointment a big deal in your life? When was the last time you were disappointed?

And by the way - look in the index of any book you own or have borrowed. Is the word disappointment there? I would love to know if you score a disappointment.

 Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

Can You Top This? - #108

Exploring the mystery is currently investigating the nature of disappointment. (Origin of inquiry: Sunday New York Times Travel Section, March 30, 2014).  

Describing the "grandeur and timeless culture of Rajasthan," reporter Russ Juskalian observed that viewing a fort, accessible by a narrow stone roadway that passed through a series of stone gates, "did not disappoint."  

Having been a tourist and pilgrim in India, I suspect that Juskalian would not have been disappointed viewing any apparition* (look it up), if it meant he could dismount from his camel. 

The "did not disappoint" phrase tickled my fancy. I wanted to write about it! It gave me a theme and an opportunity to use illustrative personal photos.  The resulting post, I fantasized, would be full of pithy* language (you didn't put away the dictionary did you?) 

Despite an exhaustive search, India pictures remained hidden. While searching I encountered the image above; it seemed the ultimate word on disappointment. Plus it contained enough cynicism to partner with last weeks quote (for those of you without images it says: Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway!).

There is more to explore about disappointment but not today. In the meantime, please go to the blog or reply to this email with your comments. Have you been disappointed since last week? What does disappointment feel like?

Thanks for understanding that exploring the mystery takes second place to the gorgeous spring day. If you are disappointed, use the disappointment to explore disappointment. Nicky Mendenhall

*When writing, words sometimes appear in my head and I don't know exactly where they came from or what they mean. Often the dictionary definition proves eerily accurate for my purposes.  Does this happen to you?

Midweek Pondering on Disappointment

"Hope is disappointment delayed."*

The quote under the picture was given to me as a gift this week. 

Do you think it means when the sky looks like the image and I am hoping to go on a picnic, hope will delay the disappointment? I'd like to hear other explanations as I'm not entirely satisfied with this one.

This drum was given to me this week!

During the introduction portion of a drumming circle on Sunday afternoon, I mentioned my desire for a drum. (I brought a gourd rattle for my instrument.) Can you imagine my surprise when the circle closed, a man carried his drum across the circle, placed it at my feet and said, "I would like to gift you with this drum."

Wanting a drum for years, a drum appeared. Scouring indexes of my books, I only found one entry for disappointment. Then the gift quote appeared.  

Perhaps the joy was so potent because I had no expectations for gifts.  

Is disappointment usually tied to expectations?

Let me know how you think disappointment is related to hope and to expectations. Or tell me your experience of disappointment.

Thanks for exploring the mystery of disappointment.

                                                               Nicky Mendenhall









*Thanks to D.S. for this quote. Unfortunately I don't remember the source.

Musing on Disappointment - #107

The emergence of this image on my easel engendered disappointment.

My disappointment was acute; painting an accurate likeness of beauty I observe every day has long been a desire.  

Disappointment has always been difficult for me. You could say that sometimes my fear of disappointment, or my fear of disappointing others, has been a barrier to living a full life.

I'm beginning to learn it is more difficult to experience disappointment when my focus is on the process, not the product. The time I spent painting was satisfying, despite the result. But whether that always holds true or not remains a question.

There are more things I want to explore about the mystery of disappointment: Prepare yourselves for a few weeks of disappointment! 

I would love to hear your thoughts about disappointment - I am tempted to say - don't disappoint me - but I don't want to put pressure on you. Here are the some questions to ponder:

   Have you ever decided not to be too hopeful because if something doesn't happen, the disappointment would be worse?

   Did you ever fear disappointing your parents or a boss? 

   Do you ever allow yourself to feel disappointed? 

   Is disappointment an emotion?

Go to blog and comment or send me an email. I will assume you are giving permission to publish unless you tell me otherwise.

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

Mid Week Resistance

One thing I resist is slowing down my thinking and reactions. This resistance is related to my perceived need to settle and decide things. I resist giving myself space.

I appreciated Laraine Herring's* thoughts on resistance:

"Resistance manifests as tension in the body. This is easy to see in yourself. Try to push against the outside wall of your house. You're pushing with force (resistance) against a structure that is pushing back with exactly the same amount of resistance. 

"You'll push all day and the next day and the next until you collapse. Neither of you is going anywhere. You can observe your muscles tightening, your belly constricting, your shoulders rising up to your ears as you push and push in a futile attempt to move your house with your hands.

"You can see this right away in your body. Resistance and tension in the body are contractions. They take up space. As you lose spaciousness within your body, you lose the ability to flow with what is occurring."

When you resist, do you note how your body responds? What do you think Herring means by contractions taking up space?

Don't resist sharing - go to blog comments section or hit reply to this email.

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

* The Writing Warrior (2010) Laraine Herring

Image received 3/39/2014 in the rough neighborhood I live in.