THREE GIFTS -#102

Gift #1
Yes, the snow is a gift to me - a good snow storm and slick roads lend themselves to hours, if not days, sitting before the fire. Right now, I cherish the gift of solitude. Alone time provides space to stay with the grief for my friend Jo. When someone important to us dies, it takes time to let go of the things in us that will have to die.

Gift #2

The quote below arrived in my inbox this morning from #3 son. He found it underlined in my Bell Hooks book. Perhaps it explains my desire for fire:

"And its deepest sense, grief is a burning of the heart, an intense heat that gives us solace and release. When we deny the full expression of our grief , it lays like a weight on our hearts, causing emotional pain and physical ailments."



Gift #3

Later today a good friend sent me the following quote which I thought was very wise and I wanted to share:

"There is a difference between taking something too seriously and being passionate about something.  When you are too serious you repel others. When you are passionate, your joy and enthusiasm are contagious."  (Author: Kathy Keats)

What gifts did you receive today? I am very thankful - as I finish this post it is beginning to snow!

Thank you for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

Midweek: Time to Sharpen Our Focus

Sharing quotes is one of my favorite things. Here's one for you:

"Up until we have received a catastrophic diagnosis or lost someone we love, we might take life for granted. When we receive a diagnosis that we have just a little while to live, or when our closest friend dies, our focus may sharpen, at least for a while, and we begin to examine our lives and our fate."*

I certainly resonate with this perspective now. Extending my arm out the door this morning to receive the image above, (it was six degrees) was because I want to live every day to the fullest. The sun was sneaking up from the horizon calling to me.  

Let me know if this quote resonates with you. Do you remember times when your life seemed precious?

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

*Joan Halifax, Being with Dying: Cultivating Compassion and Fearlessness in the Presence of Death (2008)

Did You Know Grief Causes Fatigue? - #101

Fatigue is defined in the dictionary as extreme tiredness resulting from mental or physical exertion or illness.  

This definition doesn't name grief as a cause of fatigue.  I think tiredness and need for sleep are often omitted in lists of grief symptoms.

Grieving, letting go of what/who we have lost, requires surrender. Letting go takes practice and patience. It is not always obvious how much energy it takes to surrender.

As I write this, I am feeling a low level of fatigue. I've learned to expect this so I'm not fighting it. When my Mother died, I remember rushing home from work and falling asleep, waking up to eat, and then going back to bed. I was worried that something was physically wrong with me.

When grieving, plan on feeling this way. Fatigue comes and goes in waves that are difficult to understand or to explain to others.

The Prescription:

Naps. 
Rest. 
Ask for help with daily chores. 
Take Out Food.

My plan for today is to fill this prescription.  Marion Woodman* writes this in an elegant way that fits for us in the Northern Hemisphere:

To surrender is to accept

life as it is:

winter today, spring tomorrow;

cruelty with beauty;

aloneness after love.

 Thanks for exploring the mystery with me - Nicky Mendenhall

*Coming Home to Myself: Reflections for Nurturing a Woman's Body & Soul, page 117.

Commemorative Crow

This crow is a commemorative symbol of Jo.

Jo loved crows.  She fed them whenever she saw them. She fed them wherever she saw them. 

Picture a nice New Delhi hotel; all rooms feature a balcony. 

Picture Jo inviting a convention of crows to her balcony.

Picture Jo in all her glory generously feeding the crows bread crumbs and crackers (borrowed from the hotel restaurant).

Me?

Intimidated by the loud squawking, frightened by the unpredictable darting movements, and horrified by the mess, I am very uncomfortable. I fear she will get us all in trouble with the authorities. I'm unsure which authorities but surely someone will object to this type of convention at their hotel.

Enviously I watch her connection to the crows become apparent. I don't understand but I can see that she has some sort of a relationship with them.  

Over the years, Jo tries to teach me by example about communication with animals. I am a poor student but I appreciate her efforts. I envy her access to other species in such close proximity. My own connection with other species occurs at more of a distance.

Do you communicate with animals? How did you learn? What do you learn?

What do your friends teach you? Are you ever uncomfortable with things your friends do? How do you handle it?

 Please share your comments by clicking on exploring the mystery (it is underlined) at the bottom of this email. This will take you to the blog where you can write your comment or you can hit reply and email me. If you feel uncomfortable with me publishing your comment, please let me know.


Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

Exploring Bodily States of Consciousness - #100

The immediacy of loss catapulted me into a different state of consciousness. 

To describe this different state of consciousness, I do not have to use mystical or esoteric language. I only have to say that the majority of my bodily senses are wide open: the sun seems brighter, my essential oils smell more potent, and a hug feels life-sustaining. My sense of taste, on the other hand, has shut down and nothing tastes good; my sense of hearing doesn't want sound other than silence.

Add these senses all together and the outcome is an increased awareness of being in a body. And when I'm in my body, it is easier to pay attention to my breathing.

In Post #96, we looked at matching words with our inhalations and with our exhalations. I shared the words I chose and invited you to create your own set. I hope you have benefited from your words.

The last few days I have continued to use "Be Present" for my inhalation. Because of Jo's ability to be in the Now right to the end, my desire to be present is even more ferocious than before. 

 I've begun to vary my word for the exhalation. Lately "Trust" has surfaced as a word with meaning. Trust my feelings. Trust exploring the mystery. Trust the bond I shared with Jo continues albeit in a different form. Trust I will be able to die in a manner that won't burden others.

In this, Post #100, I invite you to discover new words for your exhalations and inhalations if you choose. 

Or each day, pick a sense that you want to pay attention to and see what effect it has on your enjoyment of life.

I so appreciate those of you who share your comments. You might want to go to the blog and see what other readers are saying.  Please let me know which sense helps you feel alive and aware.  

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

Midweek Memorial

The email I have been dreading and hoping for arrived.

  

Subject line:

Jo's passing.

Dreading the email because the finality of death would quash all hopes of waking up one morning to one of her satisfying psychologically sophisticated emails in my inbox.   

Hoping for the email because it would mean an end to her suffering.  

The message this morning was brief: Jo died on February 9, 2014.

She requested a natural burial which means that her body will not have any chemical treatment and will have to be buried two or three days after her death.

 Joan Halifax's words* comfort me today:

"The brokenheartedness that we call sorrow-- our kinship with the now-invisible other -- is really a lotus flower nourished by the cold and murky waters of grief."

"Grief can bloom into humility, faith, and tenderness when we hold it with patience and respect, and find a sane relationship to our sadness without being overwhelmed."*

Many thanks to all of you who reached out to me today to offer your sympathy and love. I feel very blessed.

The image above is a batik Jo gifted me with several years ago. It brings beauty to one of my office walls. She was an artist and writer. Her heart became bigger as dying approached.

Thanks for exploring the mystery of grief - Nicky Mendenhall

Let me know if you have thoughts about death, grief. or impermanence. We can help one another.

*Being with Dying: Cultivating Compassion and Fearlessness in the Presence of Death (2008) Joan Halifax

Exploring Grief - #99

  

Why are we exploring grief?

Because my friend Jo, suffering from liver cancer, has stopped eating and drinking.  

I'm grieving.

She is fearless about dying.

Her last few months have been spent in a retirement hospital in New Zealand. When I asked her what she was experiencing, she said her room is pleasant; it has a window with a pleasant view.  

She was in the moment. For years she has talked about and worked on being in the Now; now she is. She can still express loving feelings though she has virtually no mobility.  We giggled during our last two calls.

What has my exploration of grief discovered?  

Where there is grief, there is love.

As I reach out to friends for support to mourn a friendship I am losing, I learn anew the importance of friendships and the loving care I receive from them.  

While pondering this new loss, I notice space opens up for me to revisit former unresolved losses. If I choose I can begin to heal unresolved anger and pain.

It is a very tender time. I'm listening to my body to learn what it needs.There is an element of mystery in times like these.

What do you know about loss? Have you ever made time to grieve? Do you feel that love is behind grief?

Share your thoughts on the comment page or email me.

Thank you for exploring the mystery of grief - Nicky Mendenhall

Mid Week Bonus: The Answer...........

.....depends on the question. 

If your question is whether it is still cold in Iowa, the above image will be your answer.

If your question is: "Who is Agnes De Mille?" the answer is:

The woman who choreographed the dream ballet sequence for Oklahoma!*

Agnes was a lifelong friend of Martha Graham. One evening the two were having dinner; Agnes expressed doubts about her own creativity. 

In response, Martha wrote to Agnes, words that are often quoted (have you seen this quote? Did you know who it was addressed to? Does it excite you about your own creativity? )

A Letter to Agnes De Mille

There is a vitality,
a life force,
a quickening
that is translated through you into action,
and because there is only one of you in all time,
this expression is unique.

And If you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and be lost.
The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine
how good it is
nor how valuable it is
nor how it compares with other expressions.

It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly
to keep the channel open.
You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work.
You have to keep open and aware directly to the urges that motivate YOU.

Keep the channel open...
No artist is pleased...

There is no satisfaction whatever at anytime
There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction
a blessed unrest that keeps us marching
and makes "us" MORE alive than the others.

Martha Graham
( - 

I will smile the next time I read it knowing now the recipient was Agnes De Mille.

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall (Are you humming OKLAHOMA!?)

*Hats off to Mark Mendenhall, aka Curly.
**Letter found marthagrahamletter.blogspot.com/‎