Managing the Censor - #55

Journals from the past are currently spread out on the daybed for easy access. I'm mining each for notes taken after sessions with my analyst. My hope is to discover gemstones that will enrich my memoir describing my experience with her in psychoanalysis.

It has been an experience all its own reading words from the past. My essence permeates all the journals, of course, but some entries puzzle me: Did I really know that so long ago? Why didn't I know that I knew and trust it?

These days I'm busy working on developing a new chapter for the memoir. Instead of writing a full post for today, here's a quote I found in a May, 2001, journal:

"The censor, fat as a tick with pride, hates not being taken seriously."

My brain held no memory of this gem from Leaving a Trace, the book that my scribbling said was where it originated. I just ordered a used copy.

Since meeting the censor frequently occurs when writing, I am eager to read ways to manage encounters with it. The unsolicited advice it gives is often to avoid anything creative or unique. It tends to utter phrases such as, "You can't say that!" or, "What will people think?"

When the book arrives, I hope to be able to pass on any new tactics for dealing with censors.

Are there things in your life that you want to do but a "Censor" says no?  Do you know what activates your censor? What messages do you receive from your censor? Please let me know by going to comment section or replying to this email.

CLUE to exploring mysteries: As you prepare for a new season by organizing your closet, be sure to pass on anything you haven't worn or don't like to wear. Someone else needs it and the feeling of generosity will give you a lift. A wise friend reminded me of this recently.

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

The Value of Knowing Who You Are - #54

Is spending time and energy writing about what happened to me    in psychoanalysis narcissistic? I wonder. Perhaps this sometimes issue of mine will help us explore a deeper question: 

Are there benefits to knowing who you are?  

Anne Lamott, an author I admire, believes the only way we can see others compassionately, is to see ourselves compassionately. She writes that while this might sound easy, it is difficult to do.

When I began analytical treatment, the focus was on what I didn't like about myself. On my list of complaints were all the things I thought were wrong with me. If you are thinking that this doesn't sound very compassionate, you are correct. I didn't feel compassion for myself. 

The paradoxical thing is the more I became aware of what my long term patterns were, and then discovered how difficult it was to change my behavior and ways of thinking, the more compassion I could feel for others.  

It's a funny thing, but the more I knew and accepted my shortcomings and began to look at myself with kindness, the easier it was to give others the benefit of the doubt. We were all in this together.

Perhaps my question about narcissism is part of my old pattern of thinking something is wrong with me. I will let this pattern go. I'm excited about writing this memoir. My hope is that my experiences will in someway be useful to others.

CLUE: Do one nice thing for yourself this week. It can be as little as reminding yourself of all the positive things you do or as big as buying yourself chocolate and flowers. Do these acts with compassion for yourself and let me know what happens. Try the new feature - hit reply to this email. It should be a direct email to me! I'd love to hear from you!

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

Seeking Composure - #53

While writing my memoir and blog posts, sentences and metaphors  that contain wisdom don't come easily. In my imagination, when Joan Halifax, author of the book* I mentioned last week sits down to write,  beautiful sentences flow from her pen onto the page.

Taking words from your inside and putting them out on paper is difficult, a fact that continues to surprise me. How do others make it look so easy? How can it take so long? I would bet that writing for Halifax isn't quite as easy as I image. The truth probably is that her impressive sentences are the result of hard work and persistence, the first item on my manifesto.   

Here's a sentence of hers that impressed me:  

"And sometimes, I could not find my composure; it got away from me, like a tide quickly receding from the shore of the present moment, and I found myself worn out and discouraged."

I would rather not say what happens when I lose my composure. If you were a mouse in the corner (that possibility scares me for many reasons), you might notice me stomping around the room like a two year old. You might hear me blaming whoever or whatever is in my way. You might witness a nasty word as it darts out of my mouth.

The longer I poke around in the Halifax book, the more my admiration for her grows. It is evident from the stories she shares that she is compassionate and kind, genuinely human and contemplative, all traits that I desire. Plus, she is a good writer.

The longer I work on my memoir or write posts, the more composed I am able to be most of the time. This is partly because when you tune into your creative nature, losing one's composure at times is part of the process. I don't like knowing I will freak out once in awhile but probably it is better to know so it won't be another surprise.

Who do you admire? What aspirations do they bring out in you? When do you lose your composure? What do you do when you lose your composure? 

I'd love to hear from you. I'm working on making it possible to hit reply to this email to comment so it will be sent to me but so far my tech person hasn't been successful. When it says no reply when you reply to this email, it means no reply - I never see it. I don't know where it goes - a mystery to explore. 

So the geniuses among us can leave comments on the blog itself. Another option is to let me know what you think by using my email address: nicola.mendenhall@gmail.com. Or just think of me and send energy and inspiration.

CLUE: If there is a person who inspires you for any reason, find a way to let them know this week. A short email or phone call might make their day. I may try and email Joan Halifax!

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

*Standing At The Edge (2018) by Joan Halifax

Attentional Balance & the 3 D's - #52

The first item on my manifesto, anything worthwhile needs time and attention, reminds me of how satisfying it has been the last few weeks to read, every evening, a small portion of Joan Halifax's new book, Standing At The Edge.  

Halifax uses a phrase that interests me: attentional balance. After losing some of my physical and, more to the point, psychological balance while coping with normal pressure hydrocephalus, I pay attention when balance is mentioned.  

Halifax lists 3 D's that interfere with our attentional balance:  divided, distracted, and dispersed. Here's how the 3 D's appear in my life:

Divided: There are so many things I want to accomplish in a day that if I don't have radical clarity about where to place my attention, I feel divided and no matter how much I do, I feel dissatisfied.

Distracted: I can be distracted by my body if I don't pay attention when it needs to move. I may stay in the same position, even when my back hurts and ignore the timer signalling it is time to stand up, but be distracted until I stand or move.

Dispersed: Halifax writes that according to neuroscience, wherever our attention goes, our brains follow: "Attention is the boss of the brain." I have so many interests my attention is spread, as they say, thin. I've never before this moment, thought of thick attention! 

Is your attention thick or thin? How do the 3 D's show up for you? I would love to know. Either email me or go to comments section. We are learning from each other!

CLUE: Watch where your attention is this week. I will be doing it right along with you. Life is too short to be divided, distracted or dispersed! Let me know how you stay away from the 3 D's!

Thanks for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

Image is from last year (Leaves are still green and on the trees but are beginning to drift to the lawn one by one. I wonder how it is decided which leaf goes first?)