exploring the mystery

Detecting and Recognizing Anxiety - Part 10

2012-03-02T17:53:00.000-06:00

Detecting anxiety is important for our well being. Recognizing anxiety's presence and purpose lets us discern the appropriate course of action.

Irritation can be a sign of anxiety. Irritation projected onto others allows us to ignore our own anxiety. Feeling irritated can give us a sense of self righteousness. On the other hand, feeling our discomfort can make us feel vulnerable. We don't like feeling vulnerable (soft) so we feel irritated (hard).

Anxiety hidden by irritation is one to work at removing lest we end up alienating the people close to us and hardening our own heart.

In other cases, it is wise to keep our eyes open and watch the anxiety develop - much like we would watch a small child - before we shove it out the door (the anxiety not the small child!).

When confronting new possibilities for our lives, no matter which stage of life we are leaving or entering, we are likely to feel some degree of anxiety. This is a healthy type of anxiety that begs to be observed for it contains information we will need in the new life.

When moving from the familiar to the unfamiliar, whether you have chosen to move or you have no choice in the matter, you may experience excitement that you mistake for anxiety or vice versa.

When you begin exercising your creativity and feel either successful or thwarted in your endeavors, anxious feelings will crowd around urging you to give up. Don't.

When basking in a hard-won sense of freedom gained by improved self awareness and hard personal work, remember Kierkegaard's prediction that the possibility of freedom always engenders anxiety.

This week see how many times you can detect or recognize anxiety as it makes an appearance. Does anxiety usually help or hinder you? How?

Email me to let me know what you discover if it would be helpful to write it out. It would be helpful to me to read it.

Thanks for exploring the mystery- Nicky Mendenhall

Tending to Feelings Revisited - Part 9

2012-02-24T07:35:00.000-06:00

Last week's recipe for thwarting anxiety left out an essential ingredient. Plus it may have made tending to feelings sound too easy.

Be aware that when you contact feelings (aka tending to feelings) they are likely to erect several barriers.

Barriers to watch out for are subtle thoughts that urge you to abandon the tending feelings idea because it is "staring-at-your-navel-stupid." Or you may encounter loud voices warning you to leave well enough alone and go eat a piece of chocolate.

If you are anxious and miserable enough, you will figure out a way to get around this resistance whatever form it takes. As my brother commented, this may take some practice.

Once you get past roadblocks, try this:

Put on your hip boots. Jump into your feelings and begin to muck around.

Last time we were in the middle of our feelings, we were looking for an authentic feeling. This time we are looking for the beautiful gem of self compassion.

You will find a cache of self compassion adjacent to your storehouse of compassion for others. Mystics through the ages would point you to your heart area.

And you know what - once you begin to love yourself (which is how self compassion manifests itself) - negative feelings, especially anxiety, will begin packing their bags.

Compassion for yourself makes an inhospitable environment for negativity and anxiety.

Compassion is tender and nurturing. It won't force its way in as love never acts like a bully.

It will take time and practice for self compassion to become a regular visitor but what an Incomprehensible Mystery Guest it will be!

Thank you for exploring the mystery. Nicky Mendenhall

Manage anxiety : Tend to Feelings - Part 8

2012-02-17T08:18:00.000-06:00

We will be exploring the mystery of anxiety for the next several weeks by looking at ways to recognize and manage this prominent mental characteristic.

A good way to manage anxiety is to tend to your feelings.

When we clamp down on or ignore feelings, the probability of anxiety showing up on our doorstep is pretty much guaranteed.

That's because our feelings get distorted when we don't pay attention to them. You could even say they get anxious.

The interesting thing about feelings is how powerful they can seem until we look them in the eye.

Try the following process the next time you are upset:

Find a spot where you will be undisturbed. Close your eyes and begin to increase the length of your inhalations and exhalations.

Then make yourself feel the feeling you've been trying to ignore. That's right - feel the feeling that is available.

Hold that feeling. Really examine it. Concentrate on it.

Hold it until it starts to morph into a feeling that is deeper and less agitated - a feeling that you weren't aware of when you were in the grips of the anxious feeling.

I know it is hard to believe, but as the initial feeling and the anxiety both dissipate, another more authentic feeling will wiggle its way into the scene.

When this happens, roll out the red carpet for this is the feeling that deserves your attention.

Authentic feelings are workable. Surface feelings mixed up with anxiety can cause lots of trouble.

Our pal anxiety is no match for a genuine feeling.

Note: In the interest of time, you may stop reading at this point as you have already learned the anti-anxiety technique. However if you need extra credit, read the example below:

Let's say you are angry your friend didn't show up for a scheduled lunch. This is not the first time and you are angry. You stay with the anger. You begin to feel furious with her and then you recognize that you are also mad at yourself for this planning this meeting when you didn't really have time in your schedule.

If you focus intensely on the anger at your friend and the upset at yourself, both will begin to fade in intensity. As they fade, you may witness a shift from anger to hurt.

You realize that the real feeling isn't anger, the real feeling is hurt. Hurt that she didn't remember you. Plus there is a nagging feeling of disappointment with yourself because once again, your inner knowing was forgotten. Not only do you feel betrayed by your friend, you feel betrayed by yourself.

Imagine the next meeting with your friend and how it will go if you are still feeling the red hot anger.

Then imagine at the next meeting you tell her you felt hurt she didn't meet you for lunch and you missed her. Let's make this a big imaginaging and add that you've forgiven yourself for not listening to your inner knowing.

Your friend can hear the hurt. It will not be as easy for most people to hear anger, especially anger that is tainted with self-blame.

The hurt feelings are the real feelings and that is why they can be heard. The hurt feelings are the truth.

Thank you for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

Uncovering Anxiety Post 7

2012-02-10T07:38:00.000-06:00

We will be exploring the mystery of anxiety for the next several weeks by looking at ways to recognize and manage this prominent mental characteristic.

Did you notice when anxiety is a dinner guest you feel moody and out of sorts? I'm not surprised.

Anxiety has the same properties as a sheer black curtain: everything seen through anxiety is dark and distorted.

Reality tends to be more manageable if it is not shaded with anxiety.

Things clear up when you employ a Sudoku strategy: don't get in a hurry, identify the correct answers by exclusion, proceed to plug in what will work.

Not only does anxiety cast a negative tint, it puts a rush job on everything.

Rushing makes it difficult to stay in the moment.

Anxiety can't stand mindfulness; anxiety likes chaos.

Slow down and savor your life while you are showing anxiety to the door.

Thank you for exploring the mystery - Nicky Mendenhall

Anxiety closed or open? soft or hard? #6

2012-02-03T20:28:00.000-06:00

We will be exploring the mystery of anxiety for the next several weeks by looking at ways to recognize and manage this prominent mental characteristic.

When not saddled by anxiety, do you have a feeling of openness and gentleness towards yourself, towards those around you, and towards the situation you are in?

I bet your answer is yes.

When under the influence of anxiety you may find that authentic feelings of openness and gentleness are not available.

Under the influence of anxiety, body language becomes more closed.

Anxiety has a hard demeanor.

If you are like most of us, you will try to disguise your hardness and discomfort.

You may laugh and joke even when things aren't funny as humor is one of our defenses. Defenses are by their very nature impenetrable, at least from the outside.

The next time you are anxious, try to soften your body. This is similar to the age-old advice to take a deep breath.

Relax your tongue.

Do everything you can to avoid hardening of the ~~arteries~~ anxiety.

Expanding Space by Celebrating Uncertainty Part 5

2012-01-27T20:05:00.000-06:00

If you have previously registered to receive an email letting you know when there are new posts on this blog - exploring the mystery - you will need to sign up again by clicking on the link above my picture to the right. Due to technical difficulties, that remain mysterious in keeping with the theme of this blog, all previous subscriptions were erased. Sorry for the inconvenience. Thank you for your patience.

As stated in a previous post, this is a read only blog. If after having contemplated a post you desire to comment, please feel free to email me. I will contemplate your offering and send you a response though it may take me several days. If you have suggestions for future topics, I would welcome them. This is a work in progress.

Now let's continue our exploration:

You were brave to invite anxiety and uncertainty into your home for dinner last week.

Anxiety breeds uncertainty and uncertainty breeds anxiety; both can leave quite a mess.

Let's investigate both of your guests:

Normally we walk through our daily lives feeling in control.

That is until an activity doesn't turn out like we planned; then we feel out of control and uncertain.

We may also begin feeling uncertain when everything around us seems to be constantly changing or people we depend upon die.

David Richo* believes because things do not always turn out like we plan and everything changes or ends are facts of life, acceptance will help us cope. He calls these facts "givens."

Knowing that life is by its very nature uncertain and that we don't have control over it gives us a platform to stand on.

As we become clear that life is uncertain, staying in a non anxious state of mind will make sense and be a little easier.

We can learn to "celebrate uncertainty."

Next week we will get to know anxiety.

*David Richo, How to Be An Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Loving, 2002

Exploring space # 4: Uncertainty

2012-01-20T19:35:00.000-06:00

In the first three posts for exploring the mystery, we wrestled with the concept of space. Our exploration revealed that space had a protective function for dilapidated barns and stone walls. We then speculated that space had a protective function for our lives.

I am hoping you have discovered at least one way to create protective space for yourself.

Finding space in our daily lives can be relatively simple. Take a few minutes to gaze at the full moon. Watch snow flakes cover the ground. Sit at the dinner table after the food is gone instead of immediately rushing off to the next task.

If you are not feeling compelled to rush off right this minute, we can begin exploring another aspect of space and discover that space is paradoxical. We have seen how space can give us strength; now we will learn how having space can sometimes create havoc.

A mystery dinner is exciting because you are not certain who the villain is.

Space, like a mystery dinner, contains uncertainty.

Perhaps we find it difficult to find needed space in our crowded schedules because we fear the uncertainty of unscheduled time.

In this case, anxiety is likely the villain.

Uncertainty is anxiety's first cousin.

In the spirit of exploration, invite the villain and his/her relatives to dinner this weekend. When they arrive, create a space to "celebrate uncertainty" together and experience what happens.

The Wonder of Space - Part 3

2012-01-13T04:00:00.000-06:00

Dilapidated barns with spaces between the boards. Stone walls constructed with large spaces among the stones. What mysterious topics to explore.

Undoubtedly you have discerned that space is what strengthens the barn and the wall.

Space can strengthen us.

It is not easy to leave an empty space empty.

A schedule jammed with activities leaves no space for us to experience contemplation.

My Dad believed the neighbor's dilapidated barn was likely to outlast him. He had an inner knowing that the space between the boards was what gave it the strength to remain standing. He was right on both counts.

The wise among us know that space is valuable.

How much space do you need in 2012?

Bonus Post!

2012-01-11T04:00:00.000-06:00

Painting by Mary Benton. Reprinted with permission.

The Wonder of Space - Part 2

2012-01-06T03:00:00.001-06:00

The sudden appearance of fifty-seven cows in Mariana Cook’s front yard could mean only one thing: the dry stone wall that marked the boundary between her property and her neighbor's property had fallen down.

Mariana, a professional photographer trained by Ansel Adams, walked the length of the wall on her side to determine where the wall had crumbled. She noticed for the first time how carefully the wall had been constructed and what a beautiful structure it was.

When she learned that dry stone walls, built by farmers to clear their fields of stones, were meeting the same sad fate as family farms, she traveled the world extensively to see them for herself. She was determined to photograph as many as she could.

On the Shetland Islands, dry stone walls made without mortar have been in existence for thousands of years. The walls on the island are called "lace" walls because of the large spaces between the stones.*

To Mariana many of the "lace" walls looked precarious, much like Dad's neighbor's dilapidated barn looked to me.

How could a wall remain standing when there was so much space between the stones?

What do you think?**
*To those of you who need to see the wall for yourself: 1. Find the book, Stone Walls, Personal Boundaries by Mariana Cook and look at page 94.
2. Google: "Stone Walls Shetland Islands," then click on "For the Love of Walls" article and scroll down to the fifth picture.

**This blog is designed as a read only blog.
I will be asking questions a psychoanalyst might ask if you were lying on her couch.

An analyst expects you to contemplate what you think, feel, and know in order to develop personal knowledge of your internal world.

Contemplation by its very nature slows things down.
"Contemplation is always a revolutionary act. It subverts the daily tedium and searches for the kernel of meaning hidden at the center of each thing," Beverly Lanzentta*** writes in Radical Wisdom (2005).

While you are interacting with this blog, see if you can have the
experience of contemplative space.

I am curious what you will learn from this process. If there is something you would like to share with me, feel free to email me.
***Beverly Lanzentta was cited by Christine Valters Paintner in the Artists's Rule (2011). Christine is the online abbess of www.AbbeyoftheArts.com.

The Wonder of Space - Part 1

2012-01-01T04:00:00.000-06:00

Initial posts in 2012 will be exploring the concept of space. What properties does space have? How much space do you need? Does your life have enough space?

Myfather was a man of few words.

An only child for eighteen years, he learned early in life that the teasing and practical jokes played on him by three bachelor uncles and four spinster aunts increased the more he protested.

In self defense, he developed the ability to "pull your leg" when you least expected it.

When visiting his farm, the ritual after supper was to sit on old- fashioned webbed aluminum lawn chairs and gaze at the horizon. One night Dad surprised me by predicting that the neighbor's dilapidated barn, which was marring our view, would last forever.

To me, the barn looked fragile as a house of cards.

There were huge spaces where the wind had blown boards off the structure. There were almost more spaces than there were boards.

DidDad’s prediction have merit or was he pulling my leg?

What Do You Think?